Tomorrow is the temporary custody hearing and my attorney is telling me to take the 150 days out of 365 offer. Contingent upon us possibly seeing a mediator, if my wife agrees, to potentially up that percentage.
Through this process I am continually amazed at our miscommunication, high emotions, and such different view points. Perhaps the complete lack of trust has a large part to do with the almost instantaneous anger.
I converted my wife's legal separation filing to a divorce once I had talked to a CPA and found out the tax benefits I thought existed weren't really there. Just did that last week, wife got the answer papers (which she didn't read), I never brought it up with her until last night.
At which point she went ballistic. Asking me why I didn't bother to tell her, I was taken aback by her vehemence. I told her it wasn't being sneaky, I thought we had talked about it, it doesn't give me any advantage to keep it secret, and frankly I didn't think she gave a rat's as$ about the nuance between legal separation and divore.
Her expression upon reading my answer to her complaint in which my lawyer requested child support from her was priceless (I make 3x what she does). I tried to explain I didn't know he did that and even if I had, didn't she explain to me that when she filed her initial papers that she included everything up to paying her legal fees, as stuff needed to be in the initial paperwork and couldn't be added later!
I think most of her anger stems from this is the first action in which she wasn't the initiator/in control. I am not sure this has really anything to do with db'ing except I am still working on detaching and treating this as a business matter.
This relationship is a burden and is wearing me down. There is no way this relationship will be suitable for an R unless/when there is a lot of space between us for a good period of time. I can say, all though I have made mistakes, I definitely feel I have kept to the higher road as this marriage spirals towards its end.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Tomorrow is the temporary custody hearing and my attorney is telling me to take the 150 days out of 365 offer. Contingent upon us possibly seeing a mediator, if my wife agrees, to potentially up that percentage.
Through this process I am continually amazed at our miscommunication, high emotions, and such different view points. Perhaps the complete lack of trust has a large part to do with the almost instantaneous anger.
I converted my wife's legal separation filing to a divorce once I had talked to a CPA and found out the tax benefits I thought existed weren't really there. Just did that last week, wife got the answer papers (which she didn't read), I never brought it up with her until last night.
At which point she went ballistic. Asking me why I didn't bother to tell her, I was taken aback by her vehemence. I told her it wasn't being sneaky, I thought we had talked about it, it doesn't give me any advantage to keep it secret, and frankly I didn't think she gave a rat's as$ about the nuance between legal separation and divore.
Her expression upon reading my answer to her complaint in which my lawyer requested child support from her was priceless (I make 3x what she does). I tried to explain I didn't know he did that and even if I had, didn't she explain to me that when she filed her initial papers that she included everything up to paying her legal fees, as stuff needed to be in the initial paperwork and couldn't be added later!
I think most of her anger stems from this is the first action in which she wasn't the initiator/in control. I am not sure this has really anything to do with db'ing except I am still working on detaching and treating this as a business matter.
This relationship is a burden and is wearing me down. There is no way this relationship will be suitable for an R unless/when there is a lot of space between us for a good period of time. I can say, all though I have made mistakes, I definitely feel I have kept to the higher road as this marriage spirals towards its end.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
So today was the hearing. My wife changed her mind from the 150 days she was offering yesterday down to 90. She was pretty pissed when I mentioned to her last night that she was under a misconception. That misconception was that the temporary custody agreement automatically instilled the need for us to implement it and start rotating out of the house.
I informed her that if either of us was unhappy with the results of the hearing that either of us could continue living in the house as long as we wanted. She took that as an ultimatum from me by saying if I wasn't happy with the custody agreement I would continue to live in the house. She took it the correct way....it was my way of indirectly stating she may want to negotiate with me on the custody days and approach close to the 50/50 that I desired.
So before the hearing this morning I kept texting her various ideas of how we could up the percentage of parenting time...at least for a couple of hours as she wasn't responding with other than 'have to talk to my lawyer first'. We went to the hearing and the referee stated that 'since there is a difference between what the two parties want they can either negotiate or I will make a decision....once the hearing starts there is no going back.
He asked her first as she is the plantiff if she was interested in negotiating. She said no. I cannot explain to you the level of fear and tension I felt. However, they couldn't prove that I was disinterested in the welfare of the children or that I was incapable of meeting their needs. He awarded us 50/50 custody!
She is a great mother, hands. It just wasn't the case that I am not capable. What a load off my mind. So tonight we drew up the plans for revolving through the house. One week on, one week off. I leave Friday.
I am so relieved about the custody on the one hand, so disappointed another chunk of the divorce process has started on the other.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Moving out tomorrow to begin the one week on/one week off rotation through the house. Wife is literally not speaking to me. Got home yesterday and said hello, no response. Asked her if she saw my missing key ring (has the safe deposit key on it, wonder if she took it), no response. Said her name, no response. Then quit trying.
She lost 'control' of this situation at the hearing. Anyway, enough about her. Worried, excited, feeling a sense of relief at the impending move. This morning I was thinking to myself 'what am I going to do Saturday'? Wont be in my house, so no house projects, no cleaning, no kids.
I do have work to catch up on as I have fallen behind during this stressful time. Think I will go in this weekend but won't until Sunday. Need a day off to unwind. Field trip with a bus of 1st graders and my son tomorrow! 1-1/2 bus ride both ways......should be very interesting.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
So I moved out Friday, had my first mid week visit with the kids. Sure have missed them all though I did get to speak to my daughter the other night and also skype'd both of them another.
My wife hasn't spoken to me since the custody trial. I have sent her a couple of emails trying to start some dialogue. Last one she finally responded to about some business stuff and answered my question of 'I sense you are really upset with me can you please tell me why?'
She responded with 'The minute you got on the stand and lied under oath in order to take my children away from me I lost all trust and respect I had for you. If you want to talk, call my lawyer and set something up. I am never again speaking to you without someone there recording every word so that you can't use what I say in lies against me.'
I know there are always two sides to a story but I am having a real difficult time even attempting to see where she is coming from. All I wanted was 50/50 custody....she wanted to go to the trial....she wanted me to only have 90 days rather than the 182.5 that represents 50/50.
She obviously in her mind thinks I am lying about something. It is either my involvement with the children, grocery shopping, giving them baths, going to school activities (all of which are substantiated by my journal I have kept for over 4 months).
I think the main thing is when I was asked by my lawyer if there was anything that concerned me about my wife taking care of my children, I sat there contemplating, silent, for about 15-20 seconds. After much hesitation I responded with 'my only concern is her untreated mental illness'.
That is based on her having been diagnosed as bipolar in 2009, her having bariatric surgery in 2012 and deciding she no longer needed her medicine. Without the massive amounts of overeating/sugar she did indeed improve most likely through the reduction in hormonal swings from the crazy amount of sugar. However, lately I have noticed after her doing so well these past few years, chocolate wrappers stuffed in and around the bed.
She is reverting to her old behavior and it was a concern of mine. I think that is what she is referring to about 'using her words against her'. Not sure as she won't explain.
I have been trying to stay detached from that reaction. I still care about her though at it really hurts having someone you care about literally hate you. We still need to communicate for the sake of the children. This Friday I go home and she leaves the house for a week.
I want to straighten this out before her anger possibly causes her to permanently move out or somehow mess up the plans that we created for the benefit of the children. She is just so angry she is unapproachable right now.
Sigh. No idea how to handle this situation at all.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I would stop trying to convince your wife or be nicey nice. It is pointless at this time. Enjoy the kids and focus on YOUR happiness. Leave W to her own devices.
Quote:
I want to straighten this out before her anger possibly causes her to permanently move out or somehow mess up the plans that we created for the benefit of the children. She is just so angry she is unapproachable right now.
if she wants to move - let her. Her choice anyway.
Stop worrying so much about her and start worry about YOU and the kids.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
First week at home with the kids has gone pretty well. Wife still wont speak to me but then again i guess i haven't really tried to speak with her. Guess that will be the new normal. Pity it has to be that way but perhaps in a way better for me.
Slightly easier to detach when one doesn't really have a choice! Friday I move out again, another week without the children. I have had to put on my big boy pants and do some stuff I never have before. Scheduling daycare, drop offs, pick ups, summer programs etc. Have it all scheduled out until fall.
Divorce, if it proceeds at current pace will be finalized in Oct. Don't really see any other options at this point. Gal'ing as much as I can. Going to go to a 'highland festival' this weekend, following weekend is a golf outing. Should be fun.
Certainly going to be financially difficult. I am going to go from exempt status at the federal level to paying about 12k per year in taxes. Add child support of $500/month as well. Probably have to start packing my lunch, no more subway.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
My wife called me today and told me 'the kids aren't happy'. When I inquired why, she stated that my 9 year old has sobbed both times she was dropped of to me. I told her that this was the second week of our new custody, this is a shitty situation, and yes the kids will be unhappy for awhile.
She said to that that that wasn't true and we needed to talk. I almost thought the phone call was recorded as she offered up that we can have a 'private agreement of custody' (meaning she gets more than half) and we can leave the 'public agreement' as is.....insinuating that that would help me keep child support low. I replied that 'it isn't about money'.
She stated the kids aren't happy and we need to talk and come to a different agreement or she will have to file a motion for a contested custody trial. I don't think anything will come from a meeting, but I will meet in an effort to avoid a costly trial. I think 50/50 is in the best interests of the kids. She stated she doesn't want a trial as it 'will get ugly, really really ugly'.
I just want her to leave me alone.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
We had a 2.5 hour meeting at the library yesterday. Started out really hostile and pretty rough. However, throughout the discussion, many misperceptions by both of us were revealed (about the child custody trial) and by the end both of us were much more at ease with each other.
I had brought a recorder which I put on the table in front of my wife. I had wanted the recorder and the meeting in a public place because I have no trust whatsoever (before the meeting) for my wife and felt it necessary to cover my ass. That is how bad things had gotten between us.
We stuck to it and by the end had resolved several issues and I think both reached a level of rapport where we can somewhat stand to be around each other. I really think that this relationship is beyond saving but I will try to maintain d'bing with a mustard seed of faith.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Interesting morale question. My wife was going to date a customer of mine. This customer is from my largest account. The thought of my wife dating anyone is very troubling but by itself, I have no control, and need to just deal with that.
However, when I learned about this, I asked her not to. I have to deal with this customer about 2 times a week personally, he is in my shop dealing with others about 5 times a week. I stated that I didn't want her potentially messing with my business by dating someone from my largest account. I can imgaine several negative possibilities arrising from that scenario. In my mind, 'any risk is to big when dealing with an account that represents 25% of my yearly sales'.
Do I have the 'right' to insist on that? Still obviously can't control her but that just seems petty. Like there aren't other people she could date. Perhaps I am lying to myself and just saying if she was merely dating I would have to learn to deal with it but the customer part makes my situation 'unique/special'. Special in a way that justifies my interference.
Any thoughts?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
