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Wow- 25 is right on the money. I've been reading so many of her responses over the last few months, and they are always just…on target. In-depth, insightful, helpful, and full of food for thought. And in the end, after all is highlighted and dissected, the focus remains: on you. I wish you could see yourself in the same lens that many of us do. I read so much of your sitch, and almost can imagine it going down that way for me as it has lent itself in that direction so far. YOU will be better off in the long run, although the short run is very painful. Quite simply, like it or not, it may not be with your XW; but man, she is broken and grasping for straws. What she has either a). won't last; or b). won't make her happy. And especially if c). you start dating and begin to build something with someone else. And I don't suggest that as a tactic, but as Cinderella sang: "You don't know watcha got….till it's gone…"


Me: 34 WW/WAS: 32
S:6 S:4
W wants D: 3/14
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Ha Crimson listen to those words 25 told you, myself I feel very identified with them... Being married to a person who never communicated what upset her untill now that she is asking for D, its basically a need of perfection, they are not looking for you to be perfect...they want themselves to be perfect and time will show them they are not perfect, maybe at that point it will be late for them to reconcile, who knows.

I spent the last 4 months telling myself why why why? Why she could not tell me how much those things affected her? Why she couldnt seat down and simply talk?
Mindreading my friend, a perfectionist expect that everybody reads their mind and bro I have to tell you no e of us are perfect, some people choose that path and there is nothing we can do about it....is your life going to be miserable because of that? Nop , I can almost guarantee you it will be better, you will learn from this experience, thats for sure.
We all have flaws, could you improve them if nobody points at them? Probably not, so thats God's gift for you.

You are living, yes it hurts but its part of the process, I do things in a different way now and I thank God not my W for showing me that because I am growing up and I will experience things impossible to experience without this...


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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Hey GM - I don't know if it's "I care" or not. I mean, I have really, really, really pulled back. I have basically gone dark over the last week plus. I was just curious what "goodness" looks like to her from my end. Because historically, it has mean access to S whenever she wants (pictures, etc.), giving up days when she wants them to go home or vacation...and so on. In the absence of things like that where she is on the receiving end -- she thinks I am being retaliatory or vengeful. I am not saying I care 100%, I'm just saying that's how I think she sees it (mind reading? Maybe). I have been out with dates with a decent number of women that are divorced - some with kids, some without - and a statistically relevant number of them being on the receiving end of physical abuse. When I tell them the honest facts that have lead to the divorce they almost all say "you're kidding - right?". Furthermore, SO many of them have been given the shaft financially by their ex-husbands. And by that I mean they hide money, or just flat out don't pay child support. I have yet to find one that has received alimony. Not one. I guess I say all that to say, yes, GM, I have been a damn good ex and have gone way above and beyond -- to the point I don't think she even realizes it. Or worse yet, it has just become an expectation. I have given extra days, accidentally overpaid spousal support and not asked for it back, sent pictures, updates, on TOP of really trying make material changes in my character as a man, a father and a partner in life....based off of her criticisms. I have gone way out of my way to keep the peace often at the cost of my own happiness. So yeah, there has been goodness on my end I think....all of which has become an expectation or entitlement I think. Never noticed.

So I had to pick S up at her place last night a 5. Yep...it was a chilly reception and basically no words were exchanged between us. She watched as I walked away with S and loaded him into my car. She didn't seem too happy, but I feel as though it was more being not happy with me (not returning texts, not answering phone, basically "blacking out") than about her situation in general. Granted, neither of us likes to give up S when our time is over - but there was a friendliness in interaction there that was gone.

Crimson

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Internal conflict. frown

So this year I thankfully have S for Easter. It's been great - I made him a huge basket with some of his favorite stuff and this morning I recorded him coming downstairs and finding it. He loved it. smile Then I put him in his Easter outfit before church and took a few good pictures of him with my SLR in the backyard. We made it to church and for the first time ever he actually wanted to sit with me through the service instead of staying with the little kids. He was really well behaved and, honestly, it made the service more special to have him sitting on my lap the whole time. I'll admit I got choked up a time or two......dude, "new" Crimson is a total sap about things....especially S.

We went to brunch with my parents afterwards and he was showered with attention from total strangers (I'm biased, but he is a d@mn good looking' kid!). One of the 180s that I continue to live is the "retirement" of my cell phone dependence. It was a MAJOR problem that I didn't even notice and it caused a lot of friction and unhappiness for XW. Nowadays I barely have it with me when I am with others and rarely take it out. I left it in my coat pocket for brunch and left the coat on the chair. After I got up to take S to the bathroom, I looked at it and there was a text from XW:

"Is S having fun Easter?"

I said nothing. I still haven't. The conflict is that I know how hard it is not to have him for holidays....it really, really is awful and I know it impacts her, too. Part of me wants to be understanding and sympathetic and give her details and pictures an video....my heart does not want to see her hurt....even though I am ridiculously unhappy with her right now. ON THE OTHER HAD....I still feel compelled to hold my ground on just keeping to myself. That part of my head thought "If you want to be part of S's Easter, be part of his Easter....the only thing keeping you out of it is you".....relax, I didn't say that. Furthermore, during C when she hit me with OM she said clearly to my face "We are not an intact family...we don't do things that intact families do"....and then went on to talk a little about "boundaries". Am I nuts, or does that sound a little askew relative to her asking about Easter and and inviting me to his swimming lesson?

I'll be honest, guys, part of me wants her to feel the pain of not knowing....because that really is the net effect of where we are right now. It's not a "pretty" place -- not for me anyway. And, in the fantasyland in my head, I want it to trigger her thinking about her choices and the future. Wishful thinking, I know....but still. Then I try to balance that with kindness and compassion....and a fundamental understanding of what it is like to miss S.....especially during holidays. That's when I really question myself....am I doing the right things?

Just looking for some guidance and advice.....conflicted between being kind and being firm.

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Hi Crimson, I get what you are going through... i just commented to labug that i have a deep feeling about doing the 'right thing'.
So when your W asks a question like this, you don't want to just ignore... it seems wrong in terms of your value system.

How about just replying with 'Yes thanks'.

In this sense, you've done the right thing. You've responded like a perfectly reasonable person to a perfectly reasonable question.

And yet, you have not crossed the country that she has set in place. If she wanted to be part of your Easter, she wouldn't have made the choices that she has.

I also suspect that this will put her on a path to stopping these sorts of requests. She won't be getting what she wants out of you, but you won't come across as looking rude or cold.

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"crossed the country" should be "crossed the boundary"!

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The bottom line is that you are right, GM. I AM mad that she didn't pick me. It really does boil down to something that juvenile...something that "5th grade". And you're right - there is part of me that wants her to have to feel the pain of that decision. I guess that is wishing for punishment. I am still hurting to the point where I don't want to have a co-parenting relationship with her. I feel like saying you do your thing and I'll do mine -- good luck.

Even given all of that, I seem to be bound by my conscience. I know the pain of missing him....especially on holidays. How many times have I had to to it myself so far?I replied to her text by basically saying it was a great day for him from beginning to end and that I relate to missing him on holidays. I wished her well and sent a video of S discovering his Easter basket this morning.

Then I cried.

Yep. Not ashamed to admit it. I cried because it is hard to do the right thing for someone that is hurting you when you know you don't HAVE to do a thing for them. I cried because in my mind she read that text and watched that video snuggled up in the arms of OM -- and it made her day even better. I cried because I feel as though I take blow after blow after blow and keep getting back up and trying to take the high road with someone that does not care about me or my feelings. I cried because it feels as if me being nice is me saying "I am OK with everything and I hope you and OM are having a great time!". I cried because I wanted to hold a line and do something that I knew would hurt her....and I couldn't....even though she has hurt me without thought. Again and again and again.

She responded later with just "thanks!!". Happy to take once again. Happy to get exactly what she asked for while having to give nothing at all.

Again, I know it was the right thing to do...I know that. It was just hard...very hard. Much harder than I would have expected. frown

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Thanks GM....bumpy night, but feeling better. More to say later.

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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23


And people ask me what I have faith in and what morals I follow and what guides me I give them a simple answer:

I do what's right.


This. This so much. I hope people don't overlook it because of it's simplicity. I meditate every day on something similar: what is the right thing to do; what will increase my happiness AND the happiness of the people around me. It has made all the difference.


H: 43
W: 37
M: 11 years
T: 12 years
S: 11
D: 8
ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14
MC started: 9/22/14
Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14
Piecing: 10/20/14
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