The w called just to chit chat about her grocery shopping experience. Goal accomplished this week. She was complaining how the kids never want to do anything with her and are rude to her. I validated her comments perfectly. Then the s12 calls me when I got home from work and asks if they could come over and play at the park with me. I was expecting her to just drop off the kids but instead she stayed and we played with kids. She was cake eating but at least I got to play with my kids on my night off from them. And it was on her time.
Second, when we got done with the kids stuff she stuck around a little and we talked and talked and talked. Felt good to have a friendly conversation like that. She had a few slip up while we were talking. Saying we should go and do this and that. No R talk. Hit another goal. Baby steps but it really felt good to at least talk to my old friend. Tomorrow is another day. Patience patience patience. But I feel like I am moving in the right direction any ways.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I am going to answer about boundaries by coping & pasting a post by a dearly respected man who once blessed us with his wisdom. See below the post from Coach:
Quote:
Boundaries let people know where they stop and you start. Boundaries let others know how they can treat you, if you can't show someone that you love and respect yourself then it's hard for them to do so. Boundaries are for yourself and are needed in a healthy, loving relationship. You won't get the love you need without communicating and enforcing your boundaries. Boundaries are not controlling, manipulative, or blaming. Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior. When you make a boundary you are choosing for yourself how you let others treat you. When you make a choice you empower yourself. I have decided this is how I will be treated and I am responsible to myself, I am not a victim because I have a choice in my life.
How to set and enforce boundaries: Setting: Quote: When you . . . . . I feel . . . . .
I want . .
Enforcing: Quote: If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.) I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
Example: Quote: When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind," and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something, I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.
I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.
If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
Boundaries work for all parties involved. Try them out they help you handle it.
Thoughts, resources, examples .........
Cheers Coach
I am going to send a copy he gave from another website.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I won't name the website, but this is what he copied about the subject of resolving barriers vs setting boundaries:
Quote: "Let me address this question of: What's the difference between dissolving the barriersand setting good boundaries?
This came up in some of the discussion groups, and this question also comes up —you won't be surprised— in many of the places where I do this teaching. I've given this some thought —and I've heard a lot of other people's views on this too, so I've been educated by other people's thinking on this. Currently, this is my answer, and I'm sure it's a work in process.
I feel that setting boundaries, good boundaries —the intention of that— is to allow for communication to happen. And, barriers are shutting down communication.
To set good boundaries takes a lot of courage. And you have to be going through this process of acknowledging your pain, and also what triggers you, and acknowledging how much you can handle and how much you can't handle. Theres already a lot of courage that's gone on in coming to the place of setting boundaries. But, the intention is to make communication clearer.
For instance, the classic situaton of you're in a relationship where you're beaten. And, all your friends are saying, "Why do you stay in that relationship?" Well, it's because of barriers, and turning away, and all of this stuff. Because, why do you to allow this to happen to yourself again and again? Well, it's very complicated, and it has to do with the ego structure and how we are afraid to actually to go into this, and we're hoping that this time the happiness that I'm seeking will come from staying in this destructive relationship.
A barrier is this turning away and staying stuck. There's ignorance involved in barriers. Maybe that's one of the main ingredients of the ego and the self-centeredness, or the barriers, cocoon— however you say it— is ignorance: not really looking at what's going on. So, then, usually with a lot of help from other people, and your own reservoir of courage beginning to come up, and your own reservoir of clarity and sanity and self-compassion getting stronger, you get to the place where you actually say: If you hit me again, I'm leaving, and I'm leaving for good, and I'm not coming back unless you do some work with a therapist, or whatever, around the fact that you keep hitting me. But, from my side, I'm out of here. And then you do it. That's an example of setting good boundaries. But it takes a lot of courage to do that, because that may mean the end of this relationship, which represents a lot of things.
Setting good boundaries is actually pushing you more and more towards going into it. And it's clarifying the situation. It is the most compassionate thing you can do for the other person and for yourself, because it's frightening because the other person is often not going to want to hear— your boss, your spouse, your child, or whoever it is, is not going to want to hear your boundaries, and they're going to get angry with you.
If you've ever been on the receiving end of someone setting their boundaries, and it provokes you and makes you angry, but at least you know what you're working with. And you can even say, This doesn't work for me, I have to go —or you decide to stay and work with it. But, at least, there's clarity.
Whereas, with barriers, and the whole way ego works, it just causes a lot of confusion —mixed messages are a sign of barriers— and so the suffering just escalates with barriers.
The idea of setting good boundaries is to provide clarity, communication, and it takes a lot of bravery to do it."
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
