Acceptance...

[Live4myDay]

I sooo appreciate the comments. I opened up to this forum because I'm trying to recover...to survive the big D. I know he's not coming back...I know and accept it's over. I feel I struggle with this new dynamics and that's what concerns me at the moment and anticipate the upcoming events. I do not see nor talk to my X. My kids are adults and that is fine with me.

I have a great new life and am finally at a good place...some set backs I suppose, but for the most part I think I'm on my way.

I'd just like to hear how others have handled these incidents. Like I know he's most likely going to ask OW to get married... which I guess that;s the course it will go. He's moved on with his life and so be it. Like the picnic after S graduation, he wants to invite me and my side of family while OW is helping to host at his house.

I know I'm talking a lot about this but that's what I was needing the most help with. Am I in the wrong forum? I don't have any hope. I agree with JS that it is only setting up expectations. Screw that.

I have learned to have no agenda or expectations. I am my D caregiver and patience and agenda's go out the window, especially mine.

I could go on a talk about the other issues in my life such as caring for my disabled D or my dating adventures getting my feet wet. My X is like that splinter that just festers...he's in my D life and she is with me 24/7. Thank goodness he lives 1000 miles away!

Just looking for everyones great advice...thank you so much for listening.

[kat727]

No, you aren't in the wrong forum. I am only commenting on what you have said.

My ex married his affair partner. I have never met her and have no desire to. I get along with my ex for the sake of my kids and my own well being. Hate is a cancer in itself. I don't need to drag it around.

If in your case the OW is his affair partner, I would have a hard time going to the after graduation picnic. Perhaps I would go for a short time for my son but I wouldn't stay a long time. If she is the person he started dating after he left, I would have an easier time since adultery was involved. I thought you were doing two seperate activities though. So you get to split the time with your son. Be happy for him and no guilt trips for his time spent with his dad.

Hope that helps. kat

[kat727]

Oh, just a quick add on. My ex and I and former in laws on both sides do get together after graduations, concerts and what not. The focus is the kids.

In my case none of the kids like her. They have never asked her to one of their events. We have a weird situation I guess. Maybe it is because they both cheated on their families and she isn't ver close to my former in laws. Beats me.

[JustStunned]

All of us have connections to our Xs. Some of us have direct frequent interactions through shared parenting, others not so much. We will all have events where we will be provided opportunities to interact with our Xs civilly. IMO, How well we accomplish that interaction is a measure of both parties maturity and growth to independence.

Although I am tempted to avoid or flee it is not in my nature to do so. I do not seek interaction or avoid it. Looking back to this past Christmas I was definitely uncomfortable at the family gathering. Late in January X left a nieces birthday party early. She may have been uncomfortable or the headache she professed may have needed attention.

In July we are both attending a baby shower (diapers and such) for the second grandchild. DIL asked if I’d permit X to attend and be in the house they are living in. After Mom passed they moved in until S gets orders. When they moved in I did not trust X and forbade her entrance into my house I still do not trust X, however this is about the children and grandchildren and attending a baby shower she will not be left alone for long periods of time.

I am not dating so she does not have to deal with that aspect of my moving on. Is she dating? I don’t care enough to try and find out.

This is where we find ourselves now. This is just a moment in time. How we perceive it and our future is up to us.

[Live4myDay]

HI ALL! Well...I got back into the motorcycle classes since I was on stand by. Took the 2 day riders course...and...failed the test. I'm sooo bummed. I totally panicked at the last turn on the last portion of the test. Instructor said I nailed it until I went out of the lines...which was automatic elimination. ARGH! I was so devastated. I was over thinking it completely and knew it! I go back on Friday to retest. It gives me a little more time on the bike for practice.

On another note: I met this really nice guy on ourtime.com. I was being pursued by 3 men from online dating sites. My daughter and I went through them and we both picked this guy. We met at a park and talked and walked for a couple hours. Pretty good feeling about him.

He's a recovering addict ?? he's 6 years out and works with other addicts especially adolecent kids. He's trying to get his degree in counceling. He's super nice to me something I'm not used to I guess. Since he as come out the other side from a 12 step program he's very communicative and understands what I've been through also. He is divorced since 03 with 2 kids about the same age as my kids. Said they divorced because of his addictions. I

I have to wonder does she still love him? He told me she is at the point of forgiving him. He does communicate with her because of his kids. But that its cordial and that he doesn't have feeling for her. They married because he got her pregnant but then he said they tried to make it work several times.

He seems very confident in who he is and where he is in life. Like he sprititually has it together. It seems he's fallen head over heals for me. And is all patient and understanding with me and wants to help me guide me whatever to get me through to the other side. Worries me a bit that he may want to help too much or that I may become dependent on him.

I know we've only seen each other 3 x since last week and text and talk briefly. I'm SCARED...of getting hurt of becoming too involved of relationship !!

I know I went on these sites to date with the purpose of finding a relationship, but yet now here I am and it does click and I like him...BUT...like finding another car or house...what else is out there? Have I looked at all my options? Is he really someone I want to go further with? I already red flagged that he doesn't wear shorts??? Hellow we live in Florida!! I don't want to have to change somebody.

I realize I will never find that perfect someone. I am accepting of that. Am I being too picky? Am I trying to find that someone who is one up on my X? Why am I even feeling that I need to one up him? and then I'm still afraid to LET HIM Go...even though he could care less about me...

Very emotional week since last I wrote. And now I have to focus about graduation and returning home next week too...

Just feeling confused and maybe overthinking...feeling appreciated, but don't trust.

[kat727]

So what if he doesn't wear shorts? Maybe he doesn't like them, or has a scar on his leg or is sensitive to the sun. I would also say you are getting way ahead of yourself. Seeing someone three times is a ways away from being in a relationship. Just take one day at a time and enjoy getting to know someone new.

As far as still thinking of your ex...maybe that is your own red flag waving. Maybe you aren't ready to date. Maybe you should think about that.

kat

[Live4myDay]

I DID IT!! I got my motorcycle endorsement! I passed the course. What a great boost of confidence! Driving home I was just so "full" of gratitude and accomplishment! It only took me 30 years but I DID IT!

It's all part of finding me again. My kids are so proud of me for going after something that I had always wanted to achieve. A great feeling.

I don't know if I'll ever get a motorcycle to have of my own, but I could put it on my list of what I'm going to do if I ever have any extra money! LOL