Rick - not those examples specifically, but I on occasion force myself to keep driving even though I could almost SWEAR I left the garage door up - only to return after work to find it down. There are no two ways about it - I DO have low grade OCD and have been told as much by a professional. The antidepressant that I take is also given to people with OCD - so it's kind of a "two-fer" for me. Since the bomb, the amount that I was taking for depression increased and I HAVE found that it has helped with some of my OCD tendencies as a side benefit. I would say if you rank OCD on a scale of 1-10 (ten being that you believe if you don't flip the light switch exactly NINE times the Oak Ridge Boys will die) I would say that untreated I am a 3. Of course, my W would probably say otherwise.
No on the cutting/burning. I have heard of people doing that. W is a school counselor so she has seen it a lot. Thankfully I have avoided that one.
I decided to take a few days (5-6) off from posting just to try to clear my head of my situation. I know I am opening myself up to a mountain of "no sh*t" remarks - but I tend to over-think and obsess over certain aspects of it. Being away for a little bit did kind of help my head a bit to some degree.
Earlier last week I was trying to fall asleep and my phone buzzed with a text from my wife. "Hope you are doing well. I am sorry that I have caused you so much pain". Just out of the blue - not R talk for quite some time. I didn't really know how to respond. I guess in that moment at her place that night she was feeling "bad" perhaps? I don't know.
Much later in the week we had a friendly via text/e-mail about "first and onlys" - mean things that we werethe first and only for each other (I.E. - first girl that met my grandparents, etc.). I just gave a few and she was so amazed she asked me to write them down for her - because they were "so nice to hear". She didn't know a lot of them - probably because I never told her. For example, she was the first person I had ever taken to a work event in my entire career. It was a fun exercise, and really a timely reminder that we have done a lot together over the last 8 years. She really seemed grateful to read them.
I had S this past weekend and still have him through Tuesday. Those 5-day stretches are hard on both of us. Usually we end up meeting up at church and we get to see him for a little bit. She wasn't able to make it this Sunday, so me and the boy went on our own. I think she was a little surprised I went knowing that she wouldn't be there - based history and some things that she has said before that is a decent-sized 180. I am going to continue going, even if it is by myself.
I called w after church - I knew she wanted to see S so I asked her if she wanted to do brunch with us. She couldn't - but asked if we could do dinner. We made plans to meet up later.
During the afternoon, S was really, really crying and asking for "mommy". Woke up from his nap in tears asking for her - that never happens. I couldn't get him to stop. I literally had to sit on the bed and hold him in my arms and "shhh" him like I did when he was just a few months old. It is always hard for me to deal with that - it really, really tears at your heart.
When he got to see her at dinner, he was elated. We had a nice talk and enjoyed haning out. As usual, we just kind of got caught up on each other's week and had some laughs.
In the car on the way back she made an intersting statement regarding her part in this. She said that she had always thought that she could "outsmart" the dysfuction of her parent's relationship - in other words, be aware of it and not let it influence HER relationships or become a pattern she falls into. She said she thought she could do it, but now realizes that she didn't. It is the second time during this whole debacle that she has made a statement like that - this time was much more clear than the first. In our 8 years together, she always said that her parents had no influence on how she was in relationships - including ours. I won't go into detail, but her parents had a really messed up situation when w was a child - including affairs, pregnancies as a result, eventually culminating in her mom leaving her dad for another woman. Never in the house was there any love shown, no communication, no time spent together as a couple. I DO think that she, on some level, feared that's where we were going - and that's why she pulled the plug and filed for D. Just a partial theory.
Anyhooo - things are still moving forward in terms of the D. She hasn't said much about it, but I still think it is a tought decision for her. Funny, last night on the way to dinner she said that her sister was dating a new guy that was divorced with two kids. He claims that his now ex-wife was a total monster. W then paused and said, "I guess all divorced men say things like that about their ex-wives". Clearly that was aimed at me for one reason or another.