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#2233491 - 03/26/12 10:30 PM Re: How to approach sex/needs (soon after his affair)? [Re: Fergie]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 11172
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Fergie
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You didn't read the nuances or qualifications or caveats. Not surprising.

No. There are no nuances. No qualifications. No caveats.

If there is even a possibility that person you were in a monogamous relationship may have had sex with another person, you get tested. Period.


Fergie

what bothered me in your response was the absolutism, and

your needlessly rude insulting manner, which offended me.

For you to post more of it, after I made that clear, makes this pointless.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2233493 - 03/26/12 10:32 PM Re: How to approach sex/needs (soon after his affair)? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 11172
Loc: west coast
iow

I can make a mistake without being "ignorant" and

you can be rigidly self righteous and insulting without being factually wrong on the original assertion.

I think delivery and presentation make a LOT of difference, particularly in relationships.

Is the hijack over now?
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2233505 - 03/26/12 11:21 PM Re: How to approach sex/needs (soon after his affair)? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Bestgal Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/12
Posts: 115
Loc: Los Angeles

Quote:
I read your original post (or one of them) and there is a lot that is not clear to me and you have not answered. This is the first time I've heard that OW said she wanted to run away with your h. I thought she lived with some OM?

and once again I ask, Why do you believe the affair ended at all?

Solely b/c your h says so?



Ok - my apologies if it sounded like I haven't answered some/anything. I truly have no reason not to! But here goes: The OW lives with her BF, and has been living with him for 2 decades. Still, she had an A with my H recently. When I found out about it, I spoke to my H about it (briefly by phone at first, until I got off). He was crying and said he was sure I probably wouldn't ever believe anything he said from here on out. I told him for me to even consider any reconciliation at some point, he was first and foremost to end it with her - period. I gave him the option of continuing it if that was his choice, but that I wanted no part of it / him if that was his choice. He said it was not what he wanted at all, and that he was going to cut it off immediately. After I had spoken to the OW about it (the night before I think it was), she then contacted him to say that this would be the perfect opportunity for she and my H to run off together, or be together, or whatever her exact words were. He told her no, that was never going to happen.

To answer your 2nd question: why do I believe the A ended at all, is it just because he said so?

I believe it as much as I am able to right now. Are you asking me if I have a crystal ball, or am I psychic? No, I'm not. Do I trust him? No.

But I choose to believe him right now for these reasons: because he has been an open book and answered every question I ask him without defensiveness. Because his phone is out where I can access it all the time now, and I still check it - and see no communication from or to her whatsoever aside from the one incoming call he told me about the other day. When he's on the computer, he's right next to me, and I haven't seen him attempt to hide anything. He doesn't clear his computer history, and he leaves it open. We've spent the majority of the past few days together, give or take an hour or two here and there, and he doesn't seem anxious to check his phone, email, etc. I've told him I will be going with him to pick up his last check, and he said he has no problem with it. She will more than likely be there picking up hers. Last night when I asked him again if she had somehow contacted him at all, he said no. I told him it killed me to think some woman got over on me and didn't know a thing about the good things in our marriage, as lame as that sounds. He said that if it meant he would need to tell her this directly, that he would call her in front of me to tell her he was working on mending his relationship with me, just so I could hear it for myself. I declined; I thought that was a bad idea. Aside from those reasons, my gut isn't telling me anything is wrong. I don't feel sick to my stomach like I did when I just felt "something was off". We're communicating about it daily. He tells me he's a bit uncomfortable divulging each and every play by play of how they kissed, how many times she said she had feelings for him, etc but that if a counselor tells him to answer each and every detail I ask him for, that's what he'll do if it will save our marriage. He's mentioned more than once that he would like to go to therapy with me. I don't know what else to say. I'm taking this as it comes. If I'm wrong and I find out he's managed somehow to still see her, etc. - well then that will certainly be another conversation.

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