Kansha, I was just catching up (again) and see what a rough time you've been through. At least with Alex, Frosty & Snod checking in on you, you've been in good hands! Glad to hear things are a little smoother these days. Hmmm, do you think MY hormones could have had anything to do with my H and I getting into it over the windshield wiper blades yesterday??? Ah well, life goes on.
I did enjoy time w/my college girls home. Youngest just went back today (oldest a week ago). Much as I love them, I'm ready for a little peace & quiet. Just pin that terrible mother of the year award on me!
Good luck with the job search--and I do hope you find something beyond a "job," because that's mostly how I feel about mine, and at times it really sucks. But it may take you a few tries to get there. I'm in favor of giving your H a little more time & patience, if you have it--it does seem that he's come a ways, and that you love him.
I can't believe that it is nearly a year since I was making plans to come over and visit. I had a really nice time out there on the West coast. I think of you everytime I get into my car (I still have the key ring!) and when I go to bed at night. One of the last things I do is take out my earrings and put them in the little music/trinket box I bought on our last day out.
For an update on my sitch. check out Snodderly's thread over on MLC. Nothing new, still in limbo land.
I read your last update and am sorry that things are not progressing any faster for you either. As to your H wanting you to D him that is a real possibility. It means he doesn't have to make a decision and he can blame you for what is happening to them. On the other side, the length of time this has been going on without any movement in the direction of the D, shows that it is not what he really wants. If it was he would have made it happen by now.
I would like to suggest a modification to your plans A/B/C.
Get a job. Don't bother getting a place of own just yet. Get out more. Use H as baby sitter. Build a life for you and the kids without H.
When you have re-established your life without H in it, then consider the D option. By that stage, if you have done all the above, it will really be just a piece of paper.
In the meantime, let H win all the skirmishes and battles. Remember you are going to win the war.
Well, I have been a busy bee!! I didn't even have a second to log on to the BB. I am happy, OH SO HAPPY to report, that I have found a project/home business/"job" for myself. I am starting a business that I am actually enthusiastic about and when I get further along, I will share about it with you. Of course, it will take awhile for me to earn my keep but the potential is there. Whew! I didn't think I would find anything that I could be enthusiastic about.
We have been in nail-biting mode here for the last week. H is the process of landing a very large contract. We are at the end of our savings so it couldn't come at a better time. God has a way of lifting us up at the very very very last minute. I trust in God. It turns out we won't know anything until next Wednesday so if you have a mind to pray for us keep those prayers coming.
Now here is the crux of my very existence for the last 4 years:
Quoting credo21:Build a life for you and the kids without.. H
...When you have re-established your life without H in it, then consider the D option. By that stage, if you have done all the above, it will really be just a piece of paper.
I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I did just that, in these past four years, that I would never, Never have stayed. I would have been long long gone. I would've created something that would've allowed me, encouraged me, to do what 50% of all married people do, DIVORCE! I would never have been able to stand up to that immense tide.
That is why I was so reluctant to get too much of a life. I knew I would not stay and learn my lessons and be able to withstand all the pressures. I am just too weak a person, in that area. Perhaps you might think this is just a justification, or lack of courage or excuses or what not. But I needed to detach just enough so I could stop the pain and stop any pursuit but not enough to break my bond with H.
I know myself, when someone causes me pain, I leave, cut them out of my life etc. That actually was my knee jerk reaction to my H's behavior. For some reason, I didn't act upon it.
But, today... I think it is now time to really do this. I have earned my way out of this marriage and know that I am not running from pain now. I can fully commit to my own life now, knowing full well, that it will irrevocably change the course of my life. I know it is time to finally, finally, let go of my marriage completely for better or for worse. I am now not holding the space for our marriage. If my H wants it he will have to hold that space. I love my children and have done everything I can to "stay" for them. I'm not leaving now even. Just finding myself and not afraid of, if in the process, I leave my marriage.
I'm not sure if I have conveyed the true essence of what I believe and feel within these words. But, I do know this, it is time for a new chapter in my life where it really is about Kansha.
Quoting credo21:In the meantime, let H win all the skirmishes and battles. Remember you are going to win the war.
Wiser words were never spoken my friend. I need to post this everywhere so I do not forget.
Frosty, I hesitate to even call “it” a fault. Apology is very important, spiritually. It’s just that you are such a contribution in every way and have nothing to apologize for! Hugs to you!
Snodderly, I will e-mail you and send mine along. I’m actually suppose to be on the east coast in May for my brother-in-law’s wedding(I get to sing a song for them). It will be just a fly in and out kind of thing, though. I’m glad you did not toss that crystal- ball, it really is a symbol of how far we have come! I’m so proud of you Snodderly! You have become a mainstay for so many people.
Hey Deb, Thanks for still checking on me! I LOL on the “just pin that terrible mother of the year award on me!” comment, I thought I had won that! Hugs to you and yours.
Credo, Aww shucks! That was nicely said! I’m so glad you use that key ring. It was a fine time wasn’t it? I wish it were a yearly thing. And you were so generous to share your travels with me! I will go and check out your situ.
Kansha, have been away for a week, but wanted to quickly stop by and say Way to go, grrrl! Very happy to hear about the work prospects. Once you are involved with that fully, you'll see that h will fade from sight (to you) and may become more engaged.
You are speaking as one truly and fully detached now.
I've been layed up with a sprained ankle. It got so bad I finally just had to stay completely off it for 3 days. I think it is now on the mend. We're still in nail-biting mode here . Tomorrow is the day where we should hear something back regarding H's contract. It will be a relief when the contract is signed and the check is cashed. No hormone sightings right now so all in all I'm doing okay.
Sting !, How are ya girl? I am excited about my business. I'm working on the business plan right now. It will take some perseverance on my part but I'm finally ready to take it on. I do love to see you stop by!
Alex,
Quote: You are speaking as one truly and fully detached now.
Ya know, I feel different. It's amazing how much more room for detachment there always is.
I was working on my business at the computer last week and every time H would come to talk to me I just was soooo preoccupied that I hardly realized he had come and gone.
I really do feel as if a new chapter is beginning. I just don't have the same passion to save my marriage. I'm not sure I have ANY passion to save my marriage. All my passion is now going into my new business. Of course my kids, I'm passionate about.
I would probably have never have gotten to this point if my H hadn't whined his way through the Retrouvaille post sessions. That was really the last straw. Of course your coaching gave me that little nudge I needed! Hugs to you and yours.
Kansha, you actually sound, for the first time, like someone who has a new lease on life, and is not troubled by any kind of domestic strife. Whew! Isn't it a wonderful feeling? I really threw myself into work once I got to the point where I figured I'd done enough worrying to last a lifetime, and the energy was better spent elsewhere.
Hi Kansha, Just thought I would let you know that I was here. Have tried to read the majority of your postings and it seems to me that there are similarities in our H's.
Sounds like you are doing well though...other than the sprained ankle! I am hoping that I will progress (as you so successfully have done) and get rid of this awful pain that I am carrying around day in and day out.
. Tomorrow is the day where we should hear something back regarding H's contract. It will be a relief when the contract is signed and the check is cashed. No hormone sightings right now so all in all I'm doing okay. 