My almost 1yr Annivesary (Success!)

[JAG-06]

Hey Everyone,

It's been months since I've posted anything, but now that my one year anniversary of "the bomb" (March 20th) is coming up my thoughts came back to this place where I turned for such valuable advice. I came back to tell you "It can be done!" You can have a spouse fall deeply in love with someone else, have an affair with that person, rewrite your entire history together as negative, decide that you two weren't meant to be together ... and then turn everything around and forge a new marriage that is stronger and happier than you ever imagined.

Here are my previous posts in case you want to see where I've been.

My first posts

My second post

My last thread


I've been absent from these boards for so long because one of the things I noticed was that everytime I read someone elses post I was reminded of the pain my W caused me with her affair. I could be in a good mood, but reading about someone elses problems caused me to relive mine. I had to step away from here so that I could heal on my own. It helped me - it may help you too.

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to tell you was that I am a success story! My W and I have completely reconciled after my discovery of her affair and our marriage is better than it has ever been. And yes it even better than when we were newlyweds (if you know what mean!). It has been an amazing journey, and although its been one of the most painful times in my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This marriage that we have now is better than I ever thought a marriage could be.

I hope I can give you some advice on some of what I learned on this journey. This may ramble a bit because I haven't written it out and I'm just going to start writing, but please ask any specific questions and I'll be glad to answer them.

First, I highly recommend you talk with a divorce busting coach. They helped me wade through the mass of material in the DB and DR books and come up with a plan of action. My coach was Laurie and she was fantastic.

I think there are a lot of subjects in DB and DR that are very helpful and I would recommend that as a starting place. I consider those two books a foundation for anyone struggling to keep their marriage together when finding out about an affair. But to be honest, at least from a male perspective, I think they fall a little short in helping us re-attract our spouse.

Another book I highly recommnend is the Passionate Marrige by Snarch (sp?). It's a tough read, but there is a lot of great information in there. It's especially refreshing to hear someone say that you're supposed to have problems in your marriage - its all part of growing. And most growth doesn't happen witout some pain. This is a must read.

For the other men in here I would strongly suggest that you get an eBook by David Cunningham (he's recently revised it and renamed it so I don't remember the title now) and sign up for his free daily newsletter. I think his website is http://www.makingherhappy.com - he has some great insight into what is attractive to your spouse and what is not. Men, if you have a WAW or a near WAW then you absolutely need to get this now!

Okay that's about it for books. My other advice is to try not to start conversations about deep stuff with your spouse. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk, what I'm saying is you need to let your spouse start these kinds of conversations. If you bring it up, your spouse will automatically get into a defensive position and you won't get anywhere. And most importantly, the problem with these kinds of conversations or questions is that you are trying to talk logically with someone who is acting on emotion, not logic, and that is a losing battle.

If you have a friend that is emotionally charged about buying a new sports car, no amount of logic will be able to change that persons mind. The same with your marriage. Your spouse is reacting emotionally so you can't deal with them logically. You have to re-establish an emotional attachment first.

How do you do that? You have to be attractive to your spouse. You were once - they married you right? So you can be again. Search through your past and try to remember what traits you showed that your spouse was attracted to. I bet that you still want to do those things that attracted your spouse in the first place, but that life or kids or work has gotten in the way.

Wow, I'm really rambling now and I need to take a break. I'm sure I'll think of more to say and I'll follow up on this post with those thoughts. But feel free to ask any questions you have. I'll be happy to give you any guidance I can.

JAG

PS - My W just bought us new wedding bands because she feels that we have a completely new marriage too. They are simple silver bands with the famous quote from the Book of Ruth "Whither thou goest, I will go".


Me - 39
W - 36
M - 12 years
Bomb - 3/20/2006

[cat03]

oh Jag!!! so nice to hear from you! I was wondering how things went!!!
======
gs I noticed was that everytime I read someone elses post I was reminded of the pain my W caused me
-===========
yes and yes, I too took a break and made it a point to not come here more than 1x per day, and it did work, it did wake up some old pains and my wouldn't couldnt' heal properly. I do come now and then to give some new folks some advice, it's sad to see so many people here hurting. But yes, taking a break does give you a chance to heal.

I'm so happy that you W has changed, I and I just love the inscription on the rings!!!
My M has changed for the better too, much much better than what it was 7mnts ago. My H is still wary of his feelings and afraid to be hurt, but he is giving the best he can and our M has taken a 180d from what it was.

[JAG-06]

Cat!

Good to hear from you again too! I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you. You were one of the people I missed most on my self imposed exile from the boards.

JAG

[cat03]

missed you too , but i'm glad it's been for the best. For the time being I'm restricting myself to this board and I lunk on the separated board.
Piecing books are scarce, a great book I'm always recommending is "healing the hurt in your marriage" which helped me moved on and to learn to forgive.

[shreeve]

JAG are you still active on these boards? That is identical to my situation.

[shreeve]

I mean except the part where she comes back in 11 months

[Cherry]

Just reading over your post.
I understand that it can be hard for you guys with success to come back and see the hurt and hear the same stories over and over and relive the same hurt. Like cutting open a wound I guess.

Your insight is great though. It gives me possible hope. My m is very much on the rocks, and h has been researching a d. At first I felt helpless. But just reading that the key to your success' is when you well and truly let that spouse go for a while, and turn the focus inwards. That is where I feel myself right now. I feel like I'm truly trying to save myself now, and took the focus off him.

I can only pray that I make it to here one day and join you guys, but in the meantime- I'm going to work on me.

[srt]

This is inspirational to read and I hope it gives others like me strength to keep standing

[srt]

This is inspirational to read and I hope it gives others like me strength to keep standing

[AmyTx]

Wow .. there is hope. I hope that I can one day post my story here as well!