Storms' a Passin'

[drbty]

(Moving this over from newcomers for future journaling.)


Both 42
M-15yrs, T-17
No Kids

8-1-06: Closing on new home together
8-8-06: Bomb Dropped
8-14-06: Last drink
8-16-06: Papers Served
8-31-06: Signed Settlement Agreement
9-11-06: Divorce final
9-28-06: She moved out
12-3-06: Admitted to sleeping w/ OM (post divorce)
1-5-07: Boob job
1-22-07: Last time I saw her.


This is the story of a fool and what an addiction to alcohol cost him.

I put the timeline together today and was just amazed at how fast it all has happened. The storm is passing ever so slowly, but at least there is no longer the feeling of being in the eye of a tornado. For her it must be a huge relief. She was obviously more dissatisfied than I would ever admit. Looking back, I can see how hard she tried over the years. She finally just gave up and I don't blame her.

We met in a bar when she came up and asked me to dance. I had just arrived in her hometown for job training and she was finishing college. It was doubtful she would graduate due to charges of stealing tests but she did. I never had the courage to tell her I had flunked out. I have a decent job now that took us on trips to Hawaii, Mexico, Caribbean cruises, Aruba, New York, etc. She criticized me for being un-ambitious though, not knowing why I was so hesitant to send out a resume'. She was building her business over the last eight years or so while I was stagnating in the same position. All love and respect for me was lost in the end.

She was a great enabler; the more she did and the more she earned then the less I had to worry about. My traveling a lot for work contributed to us growing apart, her having to be more responsible and independent, and made it even easier for my drinking to increase. I grew more selfish, self-indulgent, and fiscally irresponsible. Her mother had bought and given her the house we lived in for most of the marriage and this became more of a curse than a blessing.

This was my second marriage. That one dissolved for similar reasons, probably. You'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time around, but no. The first divorce almost killed me for sure. I was terribly hurt then and wanted to take it out on other women by hurting them. A one-night-stand got pregnant and gave birth to the baby. I chose above wife #2 over my son and we moved across the country. Her jealousy, my having to pay child support, and questions about his paternity caused a lot of strain on our relationship.

She returned home and ended up sleeping with her old boyfriend. This of course caused us more stress, but we were able to work it out for the most part and move on. That and my first divorce left a tiny undercurrent of mistrust though that I never fully overcame. Her infidelity, my son, and our financial insecurity back then were probably the primary causes of us not having children of our own. I was never able to give her 110% of myself. Both of her parents were adulterous cheats. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I expected her to follow suit, and that this day would come.

When we met, one of her friends said I looked like a GQ model. Guess that was my saving attribute. We were in heavy lust and eventually married in a wedding chapel in Lake Tahoe. Our sex life was always good, even until the end and for a short time after the divorce. At least I thought so and she told my mother the same. I wonder about those last few times. Had she already been with someone else? I think now that she probably had been. She was adventurous, giving, beautiful, drop-dead-sexy and multi-orgasmic. Five or less each time was a mutual disappointment. Obviously, it takes more than that to maintain a long-term relationship.

Exercise is a daily part of her routine: running 5 to 7 miles, lifting weights, doing Pilates. She is short with blondish-brown hair, brown eyes, full breasts, a flat stomach, a beautiful smile and an energetic, outgoing personality. She is loving, caring, considerate, silly, compassionate, extroverted, smart, warm, playful, industrious, hard working, funny, friendly; ... sometimes impatient, critical, snobby, indecisive, crude, ill-mannered, short tempered, pushy, and bitchy. I miss her so much. I love her dearly but miserably failed her. I never hit her or anything like that. Never cheated on her, but I was emotionally absent, disconnected and not a responsible partner.

I found these boards sometime around November. Doing my best to follow the principles. My father was a minister for all my life. Married for 35 years, until his death. I started running from God about 22 years ago, what a huge mistake. I'm now trying to do things right and this has brought me back to Him. Working on GAL. Back in church. Back in school (all 'A's so far). Lost 40 lbs. Won't even think about dating for at least another year. Exercising several times a week. Nothing to drink in almost 7 months.

One thing neither of us ever did was contact al-anon or AA. Oh how I wish we had. Things could have been so different. She thought I drank more than normal, but had no idea how much I was really consuming; it was a lot. Fortunately, that obsession is gone today, and I pray forever. Is booze a factor in your relationship? Give them a try before you give up. The number is in your phone book and someone will answer your call 24 hours a day.

[drbty]

Just journaling the struggle....

Been a rough week. Trying to effectively deal with the anger, (plus a 1,000 other emotions). At her. At me. For her giving up. Then I realized earlier that I had given up too. Things happened so quickly. I was in shock. Second guessing decisions made at the time. She owned the home we lived in, gifted from her mother. I supposedly had no claim to it, someone had a purchase contract on it. I didn't have 5K to pay an attorney. (eta: At the 11th hour, I bought the home from her at the last minute. The pressure of dealing with the houses was the main reason for everything going through so quick.)

Guess it doesn't matter at this point, but sometimes I wish I'd fought harder. I can only hope that the way it turned out was God's will. I made this mess, now with His help, I need to deal with it.

I'm struggling financially. Her new home and office building are paid for. To make ends meet, I took in a roommate last Mon. He's in a recovery program too. The condition was that he could stay here as long as he stayed sober. Looks like he's gone back out already. He was gone since Fri to a neighboring town. Had to get a ride home since his car was supposedly stolen. This will be his last night here. Instead of a beautiful wife waiting in the bedroom, I've got a 280lb drunk snoring like a train on my couch. Lord gimme' strength.

Bills are piling up. Owe a bunch on a credit card. Need to sell my car and get a beater. Need to sell most everything else I own. Gotta' pay for college. Dealing with the pressure of making good grades. Procrastinating on working the steps of my recovery program. That must take priority. If I lose sobriety then losing her will have been for nothing. It all seems so overwhelming at times.

Lord give me strength.

[drbty]

Read the following and felt a great sense of peace. It's all going to be OK.

From God's Answers to Life's Difficult Questions by Rick Warren:

Ch. 7 - How Can I Overcome My Problems?

(He recounts the story of Jehoshaphat being surrounded by overwhelming armies on their way to destroy him.)

This story is relevant to each of us because we all face battles each day: financial, spriritual, marital, vocational, relational - all kindsof battles in our daily lives. God put the story of Jehoshaphat in the Bible in order to illustrate certain vital spiritual principles in winning the battles of life.

Identify the Enemy

...very often the enemy is our own attitude. It is not so much the situation that gets us down but our response to the situation. Before we can start winning our personal battles, we have to accurately and honestly identify the enemy.
Jehoshaphat reacted with alarm. This is a typical reaction for everyone. When we see a big problem, we panic and become unsure of what is going to happen. "What's going to happen to me? I'm starting to get afraid!" This is a natural reaction to problems, and fear is not bad unless we deal with it in the wrong way. We can use fear to motivate ourselves to conquer the problem. But if we become discouraged and give up, or get angry with God and ask, "Why me?" then fear defeats us.

Admit Your Inadequacy

Jehoshapat was afraid because he was facing what seemed to be a hopeless situation. He cried out to the Lord, "We have no power to face this vast army. We don't know what to do (2 Chron. 20:12). This illustrates the second principle in winning the battles of life: Admit your inadequacy. There is only one kind of person God doesn't help: someone who doesn't think he needs help. When you admit your inadequacy and ask for help, God can work on it.
... Too often we have our eyes on everything except the one who can solve our problems. ... If we keep our eyes on the Lord, we will win out over our circumstances. ... We need the power that comes from God. (Zech. 4:6). We need to let God's Spirit live through us.

Take It To The Lord

Jehoshaphat had all the people come together to seek out the Lord. The third priciple in winning the battles of life is to take your problems to the Lord.
This means praying. ... Prayer ought to be the first weapon we use - not the last - whenever we face the battles of life.
Jehoshaphat prayed, in effect, "God, I know you have helped me in the past. I know you can help me in the future. So please help me now."

Relax In Faith

Notice how God responded to Jehoshaphat's prayer: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's" (v.15). The fourth principle in overcoming life's battles is to relax in faith. ... If we try to fight God's battles in our own power, we are sure to be defeated.
... We don't hold up God; he holds us up. We don't have God in our hands; he has us in his hands. God is trying to tell us, "Relax in faith and let me work through you."
...
...let God manage things. Victory in life is a gift from God: "Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory!"
... He promised to fight the battle for us and with us... Your problems shrink in size when you turn them over to the Lord.
... It is a mental attitude of quiet confidence that says, "I'm going to trust God."
... It is never God's will for me to run from a difficult situation.
... God wants to teach me that he is sufficient for any problem. The sooner we learn it better. We can save ourselves problems by standing firm and waiting of God in quiet confidence.
Jehoshaphat says that we are to have faith in the Lord our God, and we will be upheld; to have faith in his prophets, and we will be successful. First, we need to stand firm on the character of God. God is faithful, and we can depend on him; he will never let us down. Second, we need to stand firm on the writings that God has given through his prophets - the Bible.

Thank God In Advance

The fifth principle in conquering life's battles is to thank God in advance for giving you the victory.
...
The lesson is that there is power in thankfulness. Each one of us can say, "Lord, I know I have problems, but I thank you in advance because there is no situation that you can't take care of." That's true faith - thanking God in advance.

[drbty]

A friend and I began reading A Purpose Driven Life January 1st. She had called me on the 20th to pick up some things from the house. I ran out and bought her the book, CD & journal. Gave them to her later that day and encouraged her to read it, preferably with a partner. She called 2 days later, asked if I would go through it with her, and would I meet her for lunch to discuss it. I agreed and we did.

We read Day 1 over lunch, which was when I discovered she was still recuperating from the augmentation (have/had many issues with that, but kept them to myself). The author suggests reading one chapter a day, discussing each chapter with a partner, and journaling thoughts. After lunch, I began having doubts about us committing to communicate with each other for the next 40 days, knowing that I would be disappointed and not good DB practice. By that evening, I was convinced it was a bad idea and called her. No answer; left a message.

We still have the same last name. When I picked up my dry-cleaning the next morning, included in it were two of her boyfriends' shirts. Ticket dated 1-5. That punch-in-the-gut certainly confirmed my decision. We talked a few hours later; vividly remember the long silence that followed when I told her I had his shirts in my car.

She stayed with friend's right after dropping the bomb. I tried to give her some space and stayed away at times too. Huge mistakes on my part during the first few months. Pursuing, calling, other stuff... Together, 'dating', weekend trips, gradually drifting away, setting up her new house for her. I made it easy for her to just transition away.

For the most part, I had gone dark by the end of December. We've communicated to finalize insurance, investments, etc. Too much relationship talk though when we did. Two weeks ago during a conversation I said something to the effect of "What does it matter now. We are over." She responded by asking, "Are we?" and maybe we can go to lunch sometime soon. I haven't asked her. Called her last week and made the mistake of expressing how angry I was at myself for letting things happen so fast.

Back around November?, it seemed that God had spoken to me through a close friend and a stranger; two women that told me of their prior relationships, the circumstances, why they left, and what they were feeling then and now. Neither would have ever considered reconciliation. Their situations have born out a striking resemblance to mine. They helped me to accept matters, not pursue, and GAL.

Fast forward to this morning. She left a message on my phone, sleepy voice.

"Hey db, it's S. I was wondering if you uh finished doing the Purpose Driven Life. I'm probably gonna' try to pick it back up, because um, I feel like I need something. So anyway I was just wondering how, how it worked out for you. If you would recommend it now that you've probably finished it with your buddy.
So anyway. I'll talk to you later. Call me on my cell phone if you get a chance. ... I hope school is going good for you. ... I'm proud of you for trying to finish that. Talk to you later, bye."

I haven't returned her call. I do pray for her, and hope that she can find what she's looking for. Particularly a relationship with God. It always seemed that she placed unhealthy expectations on me to make her happy. Father cheated and deserted the family when she was young.

I don't think she left me FOR the OM, but she knew him as a client for a year. He's the rebound guy, a pleasurable diversion - 49, divorced, 3 kids, described as a 'player' she said. Never seen him. Lives in the next town, business owner. I know she doesn't like competing with the kids, wants to be #1, 'worshiped and adored.' No clue if or how many others there's been. I really don't, at least have tried not to think about him/them that much.

Anyway, just pondering what the best response would be to her call. If any.

I sense more and more change within myself. Things happen for a reason. If we had been working on reconciliation, I wouldn't have been working, at least as hard, on recovery and completing college. Not sure I even want to talk to her anymore. At least not for a while. Certainly not ready to be her 'friend'. "Hey how are. So how'd your date go." No thanks.

[drbty]

Well, thought about it for a while and ended up sending her the following response to her call around 11:00 this morning. She probably won't see it 'till tomorrow.

I wonder what she's thinking, her motivation for calling. Did my response totally ignore good DB? Or guess I should say R(elationship) R(ebuilding) theory.

Everything happened SO FAST. There are still so many emotions to work through. Again, I can't help but wonder what she's thinking.

btw, She was raised as a non-practicing Catholic. I was raised in a Pentecostal church. Neither of us went for any significant time throughout the marriage. She did some group Bible study a few years ago. Expressed interest in going to church more through the years. We talked about spirituality from time to time, but that was pretty much the extent of it.

Have I mentioned that her brother divorced and remarried the same woman a year later? She knows that due to the recovery program I've been advised not to get into any relationships for at least a year. This is an additional strike against me. I still have the slightest hope that one day we would be restored.

Any comments (reality checks) would be appreciated. Here's what I sent her:

Hi.

You said in your message that you thought you needed something more; a spiritual connection with God. We all do. I heard George Harrison singing 'My Sweet Lord' yesterday and thought of you, and the video concert we watched.

You would enjoy the book, and the journey. It can help put the things we go through in life in the proper perspective. It is most effective when done as the author recommends but that's not mandatory. You could also listen to the CD version.

He is certainly working in my life. Our separation was painful and not the path I would have chosen. However, there is now a growing peace, joy and satisfaction in my heart I haven't felt in many years. People in the program are reaching out to me for help. There is a new significance to my life. I spent over 4 hours on the phone yesterday with three of them. Their stories are shocking and heartbreaking while others are uplifting and inspirational. It's amazing to be such a real part of other people's lives.

A guy in the fellowship stayed with me for a week. He had a relapse and I had to make him leave. I was disappointed in him and for him. It occurred to me that you probably had that feeling so many times over the years. I'm sorry for that. It was a tiny glimpse into what you must have experienced.

You may wonder about what it means to have a "spiritual connection". The following is a devotional thought from two days ago that might help you:


A WORLD OF THE SPIRIT

We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime.
AA, p. 84

The word "entered" ... and the phrase "entered into the world of the Spirit" are very significant. They imply action, a beginning, getting into, a prerequisite to maintaining my spiritual growth, the "Spirit" being the immaterial part of me. Barriers to my spiritual growth are self-centeredness and a materialistic focus on worldly things. Spirituality means devotion to spiritual instead of worldly things; it means obedience to God's will for me. I understand spiritual things to be: unconditional love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and humility. Any time I allow selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear to be a part of me, I block out spiritual things. As I maintain my sobriety, growing spiritually becomes a lifelong process. My goal is spiritual growth, accepting that I'll never have spiritual perfection.


May God bless and keep you safe. He can give you the Peace in your heart that you've been searching for, for so long.

My daily prayer:
"God, I offer myself to thee -- to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always!"

-w

[drbty]

Reality check for myself. We're done. Get over it.

A friend mentioned to me yesterday how materialistic she had seemed for the last several years. I do have a pretty good job. We had everything materially that you'd think someone would want. Vacations, the paid-for home, 2 nice cars, her business. But I guess there's always something more, shinier, nicer, better out there. At least it seems she thinks so.

Thinking back too, she was always trying to change me. Even from the start, critical & condescending, smothering and needy. Maybe the drinking was my escape from her. Probably never were right for each other. Maybe now she can find that perfect, ambitious, handsome, charming, blah, blah, blah husband to love and adore her 24-7.

I'm getting tired of beating myself up about our failure. She thought I drank too much before we ever got married. Never once in 15 years did she try to help cure that addiction; other than to nag, bitch and criticize. Never did she just pick up the phone and call AA. Or google it, or buy a book. Not once. And again, I never hit her or lost work or anything like that. I was emotionally absent at times and it prevented better communication. There were things she could have done differently too.

No response from the note so, in spite of knowing better, I called her this morning. Said it was too long and she didn't read it all. She was in a car, probably returning from, headed to, or with OM. She still has so much anger, and can't forgive me it seems. But that puts everything on me so that she doesn't have to consider any of her actions.

Oh well, just need to keep moving forward and doing the next right thing for me. Tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

hey drbty - thanks for posting on my thread. I came over to catch up on your sitch.

First off - where are you in FL. I'm heading down on Saturday. Spending some time in Port St Lucie (NY Mets Spring Training), my MIL in Melbourne, and then meeting a fellow DBer on Monday for dinner and a prayer meeting in Pompano Beach. Are you anywhere near any of these areas?

I've read through your thread - and I really can't say too much right now. Why don't you post a little about the last few interactions you've had. Any news since 3/14? What was the interaction before that?

Reality check for myself. We're done. Get over it.

But I will say this ... it's over only when YOU say it's over. Rethink this. No, infact - never think about this again.

Give up some details. I'll share my thoughts and maybe lead over a few other people who could give some insight.

I've said this before, and it applies to you too. Those of us who are DBing and have no kids are at a substantial disadvantage, since we don't have many interactions. So you have to make every one count. We almost need a special thread to bring together us "special needs" DBers. LOL.

Fill us in on what's been happening, her reactions, etc.

[drbty]

IWMIW, Thank you. I appreciate your input.

I'm in the N. Central part of the state. Hour S of Jacksonville, and several hours from where you guys will be.

Conversations have been sporadic since the end of Jan. I posted this on the 3-14:

For the most part, I had gone dark by the end of December. We've communicated to finalize insurance, investments, etc. Too much relationship talk though when we did. Two weeks ago during a conversation I said something to the effect of "What does it matter now. We are over." She responded by asking, "Are we?" and maybe we can go to lunch sometime soon. I haven't asked her.

Called her last week and made the mistake of expressing how angry I was at myself for letting things happen so fast.

Last conversation was 9ish am on Sat the 17th. Didn't end well, she started crying, "I can't talk about this right now" and hung up. Both of us were defensive. Called her right back, left a message saying I didn't want things to end on such a negative note and that I was fine, she was fine and it would all be OK. Yea, I know, totally blew that morning.

It seems she's talked in the past tense in most of the calls since Jan, still with a lot of anger. I've probably expected her to acknowledge my changes too much, and wanted her to think in the present; weight loss, school, church, sober, working out, more energetic, etc. Learn patience, grasshoppa', patience.

Point is, I don't want to repeat these mistakes again.

Those of us who are DBing and have no kids are at a substantial disadvantage, since we don't have many interactions. So you have to make every one count.

Exactly. If or when she contacts me again, I hope to be better prepared to have a pleasant, short conversation. No relationship talk.

Goal is to continue GAL, finish school, work the steps, etc. But at what point do you start to initiate a new relationship? (With her I mean.) Don't think she'd even consider a reconciliation 'till I've had at least a year of sobriety. She's as much as said so, and at times I've tried to think of this as a year-long break. A chance to heal & get where I need to be as a better, stronger person.

I know we can never go back to what we had. Anything we might have together will be like starting from scratch almost.

Anyway, not much to work with but I do appreciate you checking in.

-db

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

drbty - hang on, I called out for some help. I'll post in a little bit.

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

A couple things to start ...

First, get on the email list for Charlene Cares. Here's a link to the signup page:
Daily Email Page
And a link to the main site:
Rejoice Ministries

This ministry really help keep things in perspective. Help lead the way. Give great comfort and fill you with Faith.

I met a couple guys (Faithful_H and 4kids), and though I haven't really corresponded with AmyC, I asked her, too, on a different thread, to pop over here. These three people are so well grounded in tying together DB and God. They are truly an inspiration.

What DBing suggests (and it is God's will too) is that you get rid of the anger. I'm not sure why I was able to do that from the start. I knew about her OM the day my W left at the end of October. I had NO CONVERSATION with her until 4 days ago about OM ... because he doesn't matter. And it was discussed humbly and lovingly. There is no place for the anger or defensiveness. All your interactions have to be from love. I'm not very good at evangelizing God's word. But some of the other people I invited over will fill in the gaps and tie it all together.

The GAL aspect of DBing is clearly designed to do as you believe it will do for you - make you a better man, a better husband. I'm only sorry as I read the boards that many people don't get the missing aspect of GAL. Yes, you have to get up and get out. Enjoy life, don't sit home and be depressed, meet new people. But GAL to me has meant more than being social. It's also about being whole. IC, self-examination, faith, building confidence, defeating anger, loving yourself, forgiving those who hurt you. You don't find those things sitting in a club. I think, from reading your sitch, you see that now.

So IMHO, I think this is where to start.

And a couple quick notes from your post:

It seems she's talked in the past tense in most of the calls since Jan, still with a lot of anger.

My W would talk, just a few months ago, about M in the past tense, but about love in the present tense. Listen to all her words.

......... And this was my mantra from the day W let. Give love. Get Love. Again, get rid of the anger. If she starts to be angry, end the convo. Don't get caught up in it.

I've probably expected her to acknowledge my changes too much, and wanted her to think in the present; weight loss, school, church, sober, working out, more energetic, etc. Learn patience, grasshoppa', patience.

So you know this already. All I'll add is that again, DBing (patience) is based so much on basic Christian principle (God's perfect timing).

If or when she contacts me again, I hope to be better prepared to have a pleasant, short conversation. No relationship talk.

I have to tell you, that "going dark" had it's advantages at the beginning - but I depended too much on the effects. I did not call my W at all (except for business matters and only 2x just to check-in since the bomb). Yet she seemed to have tried to reconnect with me from just before Christmas to early January. Then again at the end of January. Had I picked up on the signals, I might be at a better place. So this may be anti-DBing in some sense ... but don't stay dark forever. You have to tread the line between dark & grey. But never any pressure. Leave that up to God. He'll put plenty of pressure on her.

at times I've tried to think of this as a year-long break

Don't put a specific time limit on this. Call it "a season", not a year, 6 months, a fiscal quarter, etc. You are either in it or you are not. It's your wife's timing as they say in DBing ... (God's timing as I now admit) The only time reference I set was that I would not even evaluate where I stood for 6 months down the road. My marriage was worth 6 month. Now I know it's worth much more than that.

So that's what I have for now. I'll be keeping an eye on you. Post often ... if nothing else, it's theraputic.