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#930293 - 02/13/07 02:14 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: imLIN]
momof2girls Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/07
Posts: 910
Hi Cheriberry,
sorry you are here with the rest of us! I know exactly how you feel...you are lost, lonely and blaming yourself for actions you can't control...I am right there with you. My H left the week before xmas by telling me he wasn't happy blah blah...admitted OW about 3 weeks later. Wants nothing to do with me and when he talks to me it is in a very crappy tone (works wonders for my self esteem! UGH)
In about the last two weeks (since finding this site) I have started to do a 180...only talk to him when I have to..pleasant but not overly forthcoming with information...since I have started doing this his tone has been much nicer to me...slightly more conversation and he has left messages twice this week...this is huge because he hasn't left a message in the 8 weeks he has been gone. My situation is under "We're seperated...What now?" then "I need help" I really feel your pain I am living it with you!
Unfortunately, when he is nice I get my hopes up! I know I shouldn't...I just can't help it...imLin you are wise...what do you think?

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#930302 - 02/13/07 02:30 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: momof2girls]
vampsmagnolia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/02
Posts: 90
Loc: bedford va usa
Hi momof2 and Cheriberry,
I am in the same "boat" only much longer, will be 5 years in July that H has lived with OW. We are still friendly, but not physical. No kids. He has 3 grown from first marriage, one of whom I am close to. There are 8 grandkids too.
We still give one another gifts, talk usually daily, see each other almost daily. He farms and has to come here in relation to that.
I suppose there is always hope, however, a little over a year ago, OW bought some land 8 miles from my home, built a house and they have lived there ever since. Use to live in another town. She met him as his cancer nurse when he had surgery 7 years ago. Admitedly, sensing something was going on with him (he had started sleeping in other room), I felt rejected and lonely and had a brief A that I ended abrubtly when he found out. Of course, his continued and he moved in with OW 4 months after I found out about her. He totally blames me for everything and says he could never again live with a wife who had been with another man. (very double standard). I went over 4 years with no one, not even a date. I do date someone now, but there is no future in it. Mainly out of lonliness and more friends than anything.
I still wonder if my marriage can be saved? My faith (Catholic) has helped sustain me more than anything else.
I still live in our home. He pays the taxes on it, keeps grass cut, pays my car insurance, etc. I am retired but work for his brother part time in his restaurant. so, am still very much connected to his family.
His mom, who is 92, likes me and we get along. My H does not get along with her at all.
Any thoughts on my sitch?

H 66
Me 55
Married 16 yrs.
Sep almost 5 yrs.

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#930303 - 02/13/07 02:31 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: imLIN]
Hope4M Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 21
He said exactly the same thing, OW or not he was not coming back. Did he ask for a divorce? He asked me only after 4 weeks.
I asked god for a sign at church on Sunday if my marriage will be saved. He came to church to see our youngest in a event. When they sent the sign in sheet around he signed it his first and last name and family (5) and then stayed for they luncheon afterwards. I try not to read in to things. I just don't want to get hurt any more than I have. You do give me some hope. I just want him to come to senses and realize what he is doing. Thanks

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#930358 - 02/13/07 03:17 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: Hope4M]
momof2girls Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/07
Posts: 910
come to his senses?? Isn't a wonder he ever had them?? When people go through MLC or OW they are not living in a reality world...I don't think they think about the ramifications for the future at all! My H isn't even putting the kids b/f OW...she is his world right now (makes me want to vomit)
My H told me he was not coming back the day he left. He goes to a L on Thurs but I think he is only going because I told him I talked to one just to know my rights with child support and marital assets...I am praying he will not file...I am getting nervous!
vampsmagnolia,
I give you credit...5 years and he lives with OW...I think I would be so occupied by that that I could not function in my everyday life...If you want your marriage you fight!! It sounds like he is not ready to break any connection with you!

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#930380 - 02/13/07 03:29 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: Hope4M]
vampsmagnolia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/02
Posts: 90
Loc: bedford va usa
My H really hasn't asked for D. Actually, says he isn't marrying again. Once in a while he'll rant and rave and say he isn't paying any lawyer, but we can settle up amongst ourselves. (not practical in our sitch as we own land and livestock and equipment together).
However, he has never really pushed for D and it has been almost 5 years.

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#930546 - 02/13/07 05:32 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: imLIN]
cheriberry30 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 20
Loc: Marlboro, NY 12542
Roller coaster right is RIGHT! And that is EXACTLY how I feel right now ... How is he surviving w/o me and why doesn't he need me. I feel so useless and empty. And I too feel like I have to be in control of everything or it will all fall apart, go wrong, it's not done right, etc. And if it wasn't done right or a mistake was made I would freak out. I have a problem w/ things that are unorganized, dirty, not clean. Not nec. OCD, but I like order and schedules. I guess I need to be more relaxed, it's ok to err, breathe and all. I am so glad I stumbled upon this message board thing. Ya'll are wonderful and it's so good (not saying this in a bad way, kinda sucks but...) to know I am not alone. Because I feel VERY alone, scared and forgotten.

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#930563 - 02/13/07 05:41 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: cheriberry30]
cheriberry30 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 20
Loc: Marlboro, NY 12542
LOL. I didnt notice there was a page 4... oops, LOL. My husband said to my kids last night (when they asked if he was every coming back) "Not right now, but maybe down the road, but for now this is for the best" He has been gone for 4 weeks. During fights he says he wants a D, but other times, says no, he is confused, needs space, etc. He too said he isn't paying a lawyer but wants to sit down and settle amoungst ourselves, but my house was bought by my parents so there is no house, etc. to settle on. We still have sex, its ALWAYS good between us. I don't regret it, he is my husband, I have needs, he is my booty call right now. I pray to GOD there is no other W, he swears up and down. I thought he knew I WAS on Effexor XR (anti depresant/anxiety med) but he didnt, last night I was talking about how his ins. is being ridiculous w/ $100. after 1st of year up front for meds for every person then they'll start covering. He said "Why are you on them again you didnt tell me" He said "Dont be on that stuff Cheri, everything is going to be ok" He was so sincere. I too get my hopes up when he is nice. Valentines Day tomorrow, our Anniversary Thursday. My kids and I are going on vacation for 5 days starting Thursday. I know its eatting at him, but I need a break from all this. I got him a card for 2/14 and our ann. His coworker, aka friend of mine said he told her he was getting me something for v-day. Just a NONmushy, happy vday, happy ann. cards. Basic, simple, to the point. I hate getting my hopes up. God do I hate it. But I have you guys to get me past and through it. <3 xoxoxoxo <3

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#930619 - 02/13/07 06:13 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: cheriberry30]
momof2girls Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/07
Posts: 910
You and I truly feel the same...I know there is OW and right now I wonder if he is spending v-day with her (YUCK) debating getting him a card from D's...I do every year and he does not get me one from D's. I am not getting him one from me...I think he is being such a jerk because of OW...
He has been nicer to me the past two days and I am getting to focused on hope! Why do I have to be so stupid!
No card for tomorrow from me is a good thing or not?? need advice.

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#930974 - 02/13/07 08:47 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: momof2girls]
cheriberry30 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 20
Loc: Marlboro, NY 12542
momof2girls. Do you know for a FACT/100% sure there is OW? Or is it just your thought? This is MY opinion here so take it w/ a grain of salt, on your question about v-Day. Do not lower yourself to his level if he does not get you one from D's. This is what I was doing before his co-worker aka my friend told me my husband was getting me stuff for V-day. I got the kids each a card to give to him, I got him a basic card for v-day and our anniv. Something basic, to the point, here ya go. If you dont want to get him 1 from you, fine. But don't not get the kids something to give to him. Your only hurting them. My theory, you want to be a JERK flip off, but I will not be!
I say the SAME thing w/ the "hope" deal. 1 minute he is so nice, the next a JERK. Doesnt help his "friends" are so envious, jealous and want his life so bad, they would do anything to make sure he is miserable w/o me!

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#931153 - 02/13/07 10:26 PM Re: Can my marriage be saved? [Re: cheriberry30]
momof2girls Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/07
Posts: 910
Oh yeah...its definite. he told me and my MIL tells me sometimes he sleeps there at night. I feel so hopeless...for example right now he is flying and I get nervous so I checked flight status which I got from MIL (not him) his flight has been cancelled so now I am worried. why? because I am stupid! It will be interesting to see if he calls to tell me!

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