This from Amy - about her consultation with DB Coach, Vernetta.
~~~~~~
I have had two telephone consultations. I get great advice almost daily here, but I always refer back to my notes from my phone consults when I am getting really confused.
They will want to know what your goals for the session are. They will ask you how they can help you or what you want help with. They will focus on you, so be ready for that.
I was able to ask some specific questions relating to divorce rates, things the WAS does during this phase, etc. and they had accurate answers for me.
I really am happy with my two sessions. There were times when I didn't like the answers given. I would question her reason for those particular answers, and then it dawned on me....thats why I called a coach!! They know their stuff.
I would suggest really trying to figure out a few specific things you want the coach to help you with. H/She will want to know a run down of your sit., and then the specific questions/goals you have for the consultation.
My most recent thread is "Things Worked, but H filed for D. HELP!" Or something similar to that. (*SEE BELOW) Run through it because one of my posts has a summary of my most recent consultation. It may help you see what she was able to do for me.
Vernetta was my coach. I loved her. She is also a Christian Marriage and Family Counselor aside from being a DB coach for Michele. She was great. Good luck!
Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to summarize for others what the DB coach, Vernetta, advised me on today. I know all situations are different, but the general advice is usually the same. By the way, Vernetta was GREAT!!
My Questions to Vernetta:
1. How do I act when I move home?
Take it slow, no pressure. Keep it superficial and simple. NO expectations. Rebuild the friendship. Show him you need things from him in a good way (not by begging, clinging, etc.). Decorate, put a feminine touch on the home you haven't been in for so long.
2. Do I publicise to my church, etc. that I am home? My H's big deal is he would like no one to know our business. My church had told me they wanted to throw a party for me when I moved home.
Don't publicise, but when asked, give an honest answer. Possibly say "yes, I am home for now", or "Yes, for a while". I would rather just say yes and leave it at that.
Ask H what he thinks about the party/reception thing. If it is going to make him feel uncomfortable, politely decline any sort of welcome home party. It doesn't hurt to ask him though, because it validates that I respect and can honor his wishes (whew, that is a 180 based on how I FEEL right now ).
3. How do I react to questions like the W/D purchase, etc. How do I react if he decides to move out?
Vernetta said it sounded to her like he does have moving out on his mind. She suggested that I GIVE him the w/d instead of keeping it or selling it to him ( ). She said, "you have two sets...why do you need two sets?" You would probably do it for a friend. She mentioned that it seemed that money was a power struggle between us and I probably made H feel somewhat emasculated from all my money talks ("I'm the head of the household" "you don't pay any of the bills", "I do it all"). Paying for the w/d is just another way of bringing the money into it. As hard as it is to swallow, she is right (thats why I wanted a DB coach!!). What I will have to do, though, is not make it sound like I have pity on him. That would't work. I probably need to just say "you know, I have two and I can't use but one. You can have one". I will have to use tact, etc. The way this works in my favor is that I can't give them to him until Feb., so he will still have to suffer for a while if he moves out. I guess she would probably tell me he should be able to use mine if he does move out. Not sure about that one.
As far as him moving out. I could simply say to him "If you would like, why don't you just stay here. I'm not going to be around all the time, I have things I am doing" or something to that effect. Be friendly and upbeat.
4. Do I spend time at home during leisure time or do I go out?
Yes, go out with friends and reconnect. Don't do anything that could get back to him in a negative way (like getting drunk, etc.). Weigh the times you should stay around. If he offers something, don't be so quick to leave. Just don't be there waiting for him to make a move. Choose my times carefully.
5. What about intimacy?
It is a good line of communication to keep open if you can (this doesn't mean it would be in all situations, but in mine it seems ok). Use ways to put some romance back into it if possible. She felt there was a connection there.
6. Can I tell him I love him since it has been so long since I have? (My mom thought it might be time)
Probably would not be in my best interest. He knows. It could cause guilt feelings, and he doesn't need to feel those right now. Show him love through actions. She asked me if I knew about the 5 Love Languages. She said I should try to see which one of these I think my H receives the best. I actually think it is words of afformation. They are not just through ILU, they are more. Ex. You did a great job! You worked so hard on that and it is perfect! You look great! Etc. I have to be careful and not throw a lot at him at once, and find the right time to do them.
General stuff:
Just like with a OW/OM, I cannot control the relationship between H and his brother (who I think plays a HUGE role in our troubles). All I can do is attempt to influence H through my actions. He may be feeling like he needs the freedom that his brother has. I need to show him the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If he begins to talk about anything, even if it is the hardest thing for me to listen to, I need to validate his feelings. Listen without trying to analyze or argue. Ask "what is that like for you"? Sound familiar, Cara?
I need to help my H have a smooth ride back to me. I need to give him as much power as possible in the decision making in our home (if he stays!). For example: I need to ask him if he would like for me to help him get health insurance since he won't have any after my last day at work). This is a kind gesture and it still lets him be in control of the outcome. He may say no, and then I will have to accept that answer and go on.
Bart's parents feel the way they do and I can't do anything about it. Sadly, he probably doesn't hear anything they are saying to him just like he doesn't hear me. It is like he is in a haze, or on drugs. You almost have to treat them like that. It is kind of like "love the sinner, hate the sin". They need to let him know he is loved and they realize he is going through a very hard time, and they want to help him through it if he will let them. My question here was "so are you saying that they should be ok with whatever he wants to do?" Vernetta said no, they don't have to agree at all with what he is doing, but if he thinks the world is against him totally, he is only going to run more. Makes sense...
Also, she mentioned that if my H is the type who needs words of affirmation to feel loved (I think he does because his father hasn't ever and will not give him any praise for the work he does on their farm and he gets so upset about this), then nagging and griping (something I excelled in)makes them REALLY run. Again, makes sense.
Sorry so long, I needed to journal this myself, but hope it helps anyone else who could be reading. Thanks again to my great DB friends. I think I will try to check on y'all now!
This from Stan T. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virgina,
For some time I have wanted to express my appreciation for the work your organization does generally, and for the coaching I have received from Vernetta, specifically.
I have worked with a handful of therapists over the course of my life in both individual and family endeavors. To me, in her dirvorce-busting coaching, Vernetta combines outstanding personality insight with a very goal oriented approach. I believe she has helped position me so that my marriage has the best possible chance of success and I do the most to improve myself regardless of the eventual outcome of my marriage.
I also appreciate that even in her individual coaching with me, she takes a balanced perspective and, when appropriate, helps me identify with the position of other people. Especially in marital crises, it is hard to find people with balance in their perspective. Many people, with the best of intentions, are only going to tell you the things you want to hear. In a gentle and compassionate way, Vernetta also expresses what I might need to hear.
Finally, Vernetta possesses the rarest of all commodities and I am very thankful she offers this: spriritually directed wisdom.
Thank you and all others in your organization, Virginia, for an undertaking the helps both individual people and society at large by standing up for marriage. You not only stand up for marriage, but you give people the tools to make marriage the uplifting and transforming experience it can be for those who will give it a chance.
You asked which part of Michele's wisdom helped me the most.
1) Firstly, I decided to accept some blame for my problem, even though I didn't really think it was my fault, we all know deep down that it takes two.
2)As far as Michele's advice, it was wonderful to read that divorce isn't the answer and that it is possible to turn things around. Without experience in this area, we all fear we are on the slippery slope. I would say to everyone, as Michele says, do not listen to well-meaning friends and family who think you have suffered enough, you've given it your best shot, etc. Tell them you need encouragement. They really do not know.
3) Michele's description of MLC was extremely comforting. To understand a bit of what was going on with my H gave me patience.
4) The first thing I did was to get myself a phone consultation. The advice Vernetta gave me was priceless. Her insight into my situation was what kept me going. She told me to change my behavior. I would not have known to do that. I learned to be careful with what I did and said. I had always been impulsive, and very "up front" before. I suppose this was a "180". I learned as I went along, because I repeated the behaviors which worked, as Michele says to do.
I also bought the "Marriage Breakthrough Tapes". They may not be overly geared to MLC, but I would recommend them to every couple, especially those who are young. I wish I had watched them 20 years ago. They are so full of good sense and guidance. The bit I liked the best is that we argue about the same things 25 years on in our marriage that we did at first. This is so true. I have now decided to give in on my big issue (he saves everything). It just isn't worth compromising your happiness over. ~~ Forgot to say that the main thing I did, which Vernetta told me to do was to "act as if". I asked her "how do you act happy when you want to cry?" She said, "YOU ACT!"
I want to thank Keri for sharing with me the value of the relationship coaching. Because I had my mind on couples counseling, I was "on the fence" when Keri mentioned one-on-one relationship coaching. Thankfully, she stuck with me, persuaded me further, and I signed up for a session.
I want to thank Vernetta for the great coaching session. In the first session she was right in there with me looking at the fine details of my girlfriend and my interactions in such a way that I'm now empowered to avoid and resolve potential future conflicts. She was very affirming and validating, helping me discover my own strengths that I can now powerfully bring to bear in the relationship. In one session I felt empowered to be responsible for the success of the relationship - no longer feeling a victim of that emerging destructive pattern in our relationship that seemed bigger than the both of us. The tips and resources were invaluable. The session was worth 10 times the cost. I can't thank you both, and Michele Wiener-Davis, enough for saving myself and my girlfriend from the pain of potential future needless conflicts.
Sincerely,
Michael T. Walker, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist Trainer of Marriage and Family Counselors for 8 years
My wife and I have been separated since February 8th, We attended six hours of counseling with a local therapist not affiliated with your program.
After six sessions with no progress I called DB Coach, Vernetta. In just two phone sessions she gave me more practical, useful problem solving techniques and advice than 6 hours of face to face therapy. We have discontinued the first therapy and my wife intends to return home soon.
Thank you to Divorce Busting. Your helpful, useful advice has actually resulted in the end of our separation and the reconciliation of our marriage.
I had my first phone consultation today with Vernetta. She was very nice and didn't make me feel silly for calling. I sort of felt embarrassed, but that feeling quickly melted away. She really listened and gave me some good advice.
I need to talk with more enthusiasm about things, even my work. Change my demeanor about work altogether even if inside I hate it, I have to try to find positives! I need to be upbeat and show him I am being more assertive. Be light-herted and good humored.
She also helped me with "insteads". This was so helpful! Instead of dwelling, there are other things I can be doing. I have to replace the negatives with insteads. Instead of being sad and moping I can keep on reading my "Divorce Remedy" book. I could exercise, do charity work, etc. It helped because I always feel like I have my husband in my heart and on my mind. I don't want to replace him, but I need to replace my sad thoughts.
"As-ifs". I can be tactful about describing things that have us together in the future. It doesn't have to be something like "When we go to Hawaii" but things about the new house and how I refer to it. I hadn't thought of this before and I will definitely use it.
Role reversal! When and if he ever does want to talk about the relationship, I need to act like I am helping him NOT like he's helping me.
I can also validate and affirm his feelings and even if I disagree there are ways I can let him know I support him without compromising my feelings. LISTENING!
I have two more sessions I will be doing. Right now I am preparing for a business trip to Texas, where I will be until Tuesday night. I am hoping the 3rd big hurricane doesn't hit us and I don't get stuck in TX!
My husband is coming to my apartment on Saturday, Sept. 18th to drop of a table and chairs of mine. I don't want to make it into something it's not. But I am happy to be seeing him. I will be putting my new found knowledge to the test!
Best to all.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I booked a telephone session with Vernetta when I did not know where to turn. It was the most profoundly helpful thing I have done to date, because....well, I don't know why, it just was! She understands human nature so amazingly. As I said, it was the best money I have ever spent. She was able to explain to me some negative aspects of my own personality which were driving him away. I hold onto everything she said still. Just a thought for you.........
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
