Well, just got back from BR Dance class. Let the W have it tonight! I'd had enough of her sh!tty tone and told her so. I also said "I'm a human being and I do have feelings, you know!" Her comeback was a witty "I'm a human being too" Wow! Drove me into the ground, I'll tell you She hasn't spoken to me since. This all happened on the dance floor surrounded by other couples who I believe were too involved in their own floundering around to pay any attention to us. It's the typical crap between us, I'm slowing her down and getting in her way. My mistakes frustrate her although I'm doing pretty damn well in my own eyes. In fact, I'd say we're one of the better couples on the floor! This woman cannot have fun, it's just not in her anymore. Oh well, I wish I had of have handled it a little differently but such is life. I stood up for myself and that feels pretty darn good. Tonight I didn't take her crap. I'll live with the silent treatment, it will feel like a vacation!!!
Just a quick clarification on my last post. It may have sounded as though I was vulgar with my W, I was not. What I told her was that I was tired of her tone and the frustration in her voice whenever she corrected me. I then told her that I was a human being and had feelings too. I sounded rather angry,which is what I would have done differently. BTW she is now speaking to me again but did tell D9 she was sleeping in the basement tonight. Be my guest!
Made me chuckle, I let loose a couple months ago. Didn't seem like the right thing to do, but I sure felt better.
Quote:
It's the typical crap between us, I'm slowing her down and getting in her way.
Um, you were talking about the dancing stuff, right? H told me that but we weren't dancing! Do you think your W really can't have fun? or is it the dynamics between you that prevent her?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, The interesting thing about these dance lessons is that they have become a microcosm of our marriage! Everything that goes on in our R comes out while trying to work together on the dancefloor. I thought we'd bond!!!! W has no patience for anyone who is slower than herself, she's told me this. She wants to master the steps to the dance and I'm slowing her down, she resents it! She is not interested in helping me learn or building something on the floor together, she wants what she wants and she wants it now! Don't get in her way. I know this is fact, many things I wouldn't declare knowing but this, I do. So even though she has a partner who has never danced in his life and is working his butt off and learning pretty darn well, it's not enough. This is just like our M. Anyone who knows me and our M recognizes that I've worked my butt off to support her in whatever she has chosen to do. I do cooking, childcare, bill paying, kids appointments, repairs and almost everything but the laundry because she works longer hours and has more demands at work. No complaints from me! I used to listen for hours to her (not always in the best way, I admit!) problems and complaints. When she had issues with me, I've tried to do something about them. But it was always about me, never anything to do with her. YOU change and all will be well. Help you change? I don't think so! If you can't do on your own then it's just not in you. This is what I've lived with. At one point she was very angry because all her co-workers were telling her how lucky she was to have a H "who cooks, picks up the kids and makes your lunch in the morning". Her comments to me were "Oh, I suppose I'm supposed to be grateful because I have a H who actually does something around here" I said "Hey, if it bothers you, I'll stop". So ME focused and unable/unwilling to get beyond it, it's so sad. No recognition of the good, just a constant reminder of what is missing or poorly done. Kind of like the dancefloor, isn't it. How much is her depression, which is usually in full bloom during the winter months (and explains why I try to have a longer fuse during those months) which she refuses to get any help for. Her OW is her anti-depressant and she uses her like a drug. I'm just a bad trip! Can she have fun? Rarely! She admits it "I don't know how to have fun". OW had this as one of her goals for my W, to teach her how to have fun. Yes, having an affair and tearing your family apart is a good start at having fun, wouldn't you say. Well, enough of my rambling for this evening and, btw, she is sleeping in our bed tonight. She must have gotten over that temptation to sleep in the basement. Should I be happy?
Whatisis, I'm sorry you're here but, shoot, you've stayed the course longer than most of us in your shoes would have. You deserve a parade thrown for you!
8, I love this perspective, and I'm saving it to perhaps use on my blog at some point (credited to some anonymous wise person!). It's perfect.
Quote:
Soulmate status is an achievable goal in every marriage for those who are willing to do the hard work to make it reality, unfortunately I only now recognize the hard work part of the equation.
I used to believe I was married to my soulmate, now I realize I have alot more work to do until I am.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Thanks BI! Last night Whatis almost lost it. W's habit of late is to put the kids to bed, go to our room, read work related articles and talk to OW on the phone in bed. I came up late and there she was lying in bed talking with OW, she then got up and left the room. I started fuming and I almost said "Why doesn't she just move in, she seems to be in our bedroom most nights anyway". I didn't. I went to bed but got angrier. I was on the verge of telling her to start thinking about our future because in one month if she is still in this R with OW then she's on the sidewalk! Again, I didn't. I have learned NOT to act when I'm feeling so emotional. BUT, this is the issue. How many more days...months...years am I going to have to fight off pain and anger just to survive in my own home? This is not a life! W seems to be addicted to intensity, she seems to live it at work, at home and in her R's. When stress seems to be less, she creates more. I certainly feel I'm being pushed away and shut out but, hey, big surprise eh! Any connection I've tried to make is stomped on. Do I just say "to hell with it" and move into the basement? How are we supposed to live like this? My God, it's NUTS!!!!! Oh, and did I mention OW keeps W fully supplied with "work articles" and keeps W fully exhausted by talking till late at night. Her big ticket is keeping W fully caught up in this intensity cycle. Yes, this keeps my W dependent on her for her little rays of sunshine and expertise. F@cking b!tch, I feel like going over to her house and outing her in front of all her neighbours. Maybe a little visit to her workplace...OK, I know...breathe!!!
If you are as fed up as you sound when you write, you need to set boundaries, enforce them, and be ready for the consequences.
If you are not ready to issue and enforce, then change your focus to something other than W, OW, negatives. What is okay in your life? what do you like? are you enjoying time with the kids? Shift your focus to what makes you happy and then do more of that. Easy, right?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
UA, you just wrote "I don't know how you do it?" I'll now tell you because I've just read about exactly what it is that I do. I'm reading " How to improve your marriage without talking about it" and I opened the book to where I'd left off and bang! there it was, Emotional Transformation. The authors advise "when you feel like giving up, you can transform that troublesome emotion by making a small improvement; when you feel like casting blame, redirect to some form of appreciation; when you feel like withdrawing, redirect toward connecting; or when you feel like attacking, redirect to protection". This is actually how I do stay sane! For example, this morning, after leaving home in an ugly mood, dumping on this BB, and brooding about how I'd like to verbally give it to my W...I stopped and picked up the phone, and called to see if she made it to work OK (weather was very bad this morning). I left her a message and said "drive home carefully, I'll see you tonight" I felt like attacking and redirected that emotion to protecting. I transformed my emotion. Often when I'm in this kind of mood I stop and think about what she must be feeling right now, the anxiety, the fear, the lonliness etc. It helps me get past myself and my exaggerated thoughts. I also started to think about the ways she has tried to connect with me recently, not just the ways she's shoved me away which I am very quick to point out here. Yesterday, she emailed me something she thought might be helpful in my work, that was nice. When she calls out "drive safely", that's caring. When she brought me a dessert on Tuesday night (after our little skirmish at dance class), that was nice. All those were small but connecting events. They are little things but they must be acknowledged too. So, UA this is exactly how I do it! It's funny to see it in black and white at the same time I am experiencing it, but what is is! I hope these thoughts help somebody else out there. Take care.
She hasn't spoken to me since. This all happened on the dance floor surrounded by other couples who I believe were too involved in their own floundering around to pay any attention to us. It's the typical crap between us, I'm slowing her down and getting in her way. My mistakes frustrate her although I'm doing pretty damn well in my own eyes. In fact, I'd say we're one of the better couples on the floor! This woman cannot have fun, it's just not in her anymore. Oh well, I wish I had of have handled it a little differently but such is life. I stood up for myself and that feels pretty darn good. Tonight I didn't take her crap. I'll live with the silent treatment, it will feel like a vacation!!!
