flip, I'd like to get my hands around the neck of whoever came up with this friggin "soulmate" idea! As far as talking things to death with your girlfriends, I was thrilled for W when she found this new friend. At last she had someone else to confide in. Partially, I was happy cuz I didn't have to listen to it anymore every night. BUT mainy I was so happy she had a close friend. I had been her only confidente up until then. It's sad, it turned into this.
At the weekend I was chatting to a really good friend I've made since the bomb. She was dumped by her fiance about the same time H left me, so we have a lot to talk about! Anyway, her sitch is that she and her fiance had moved about 200 miles to a new city. While she made loads of new friends (she is very gregarious and great fun to be around), he only made one - 'Donna'.
So, the inevitable happened - he left her for Donna. He would say things like, "Donna and I have so much in common". Her response was, "How would you know? What are you measuring it against?!" If you've only got one friend, how can you tell how great and 'unique' that friend is?
My H left me because it turned out I wasn't his 'soulmate'. Funny, I was just 18 months earlier. Whether the OW is supposed to be his soulmate or just a distraction, I don't know.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
flip, I was just reading about how women connect versus how men do. Women tend to be attracted to each others vulnerablity, they sense it and attend to it. They form connections through talking about their vulnerability, men don't. Men want to hide away from vulnerability, it's shameful to us. If our W's are telling us about their vulnerability then it means we, as men, have not done our jobs to protect therefore we feel shame. We protect ourselves by correcting, fixing, shutting down, fighting with S etc. Ithink this may be why we are so into fixing the problem, to protect our own masculinity versus caring for our partners needs which is often just to verbalize. I wonder how "Donna" played into this? I'm reading How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it" by patricia love and steven stosny, quite a provocative read! I keep seeing myself, my W and our R on every page. That frieks me a little!!!
Whatis; Just checking in, I just had this convo this PM. Soulmate. I don't discount the concept of soulmate, I just don't believe there is a one and only.
Soulmate status is an achievable goal in every marriage for those who are willing to do the hard work to make it reality, unfortunately I only now recognize the hard work part of the equation.
I used to believe I was married to my soulmate, now I realize I have alot more work to do until I am.
As far as the one true love you were predestined to be with for the rest of your life, maybe, but only God knows the answer to that one.
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
Whatisis - I can't believe you are still hanging in there - I would have thrown her out a long, long time ago.
As for the kids - please....... you are an awesome dad - that's all they care about. Having a dad that would be a lot happier without the boat anchor around his neck would be even better. So, take it from someone that was worried about what it would do to the kids (in my first marriage - ya, when will I get it right eh?). I worried about them for the longest time, interesting thing about it is, they sprung back a heck of a lot quicker than I did and they are now very well adjusted young ladies.
Do it !!!! Your W is being so selfish and I can't imagine doing that to my children. She needs to make a choice
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre, What has kept me going, aside from GAL, is always feeling there was some hope, even just a bit! I had hoped that when her school ended there would be less stress and room for a little more thought, it didn't happen. She'd asked her boss for a workload reduction (which was a monumental request for my W) as she could not continue "like this", again, I had hope, it made no difference. I had hoped that the dance lessons together would create some bond, it hasn't happened. After ML in the summer, I thought there was hope, nope! I hoped letting this thing play itself out might work, it's been a year for the A and no change. I know some on this BB have said I must detach fully and give up hope. Well, I don't see hope anymore but I'm not sure I have detached either. I still care what she does! It affects me. The kids keep me going though (no actually I keep myself going!), seeing them every day and being a consistent part of their lives is priceless. How do you give that up for pt parenting because your W is off in la la land? I know it's possible but it seems overwhelming to me right now! Thanks for dropping by. BTW how do you kick someone out who doesn't want to go?
I am cuious to see any answers to your last question.
I am WAY too early in this to make comparisons to you, you are a rock dude, but I can see it going that way for me. Nothing seems to break the log jam.
As with most stuborn log jams, dynamite may be the answer. I don't know for sure, but it does seem like total detachment and the acknowledgement that you/I not only support their new life but demand it, could possibly be the TNT to our log jams.
81388 Me 43, waw 44, 3 kids(D15,D12,S6)Married 19yr, together 27yr. Bomb 11/27/06, Separated 3/1/07 Divorce filed 4/18/07,
"Because it is in giving that we receive; In forgiving that we obtain forgiveness; In dying that we rise to eternal life" St. Francis
whatisis, thanks for the recap. I coposted with you a little bit on ChrisW in the I Need Support forum and I thought you were always pretty grounded in where you were headed from what you told him. I didn't follow your ride though, so it surprised me to see you in this forum. Not making any judgement, we all reach a point where it is time to shake the tree and see where we fall.
My question to you - what picture do you have of your life if you split with your W vs the current picture you have? Which view do you like better? If you like the picture without W, then the way to kick her if she won't leave is to pack her bags and leave them on the front steps, and change the door locks. Have you read Love Must Be Tough? It might help fortify your feelings whatever direction you take.
I moved to Hopefulness. I've looked at the pictures of my life with and without H, and I still want the photo album to include him. It's tough though, I don't wish this type of life on anyone, well except maybe one OW....
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi WCW, thanks for dropping by. I can't imagine putting her things on the curb and changing the locks! If we split, I want it done in a way that preserves what is left of our family. I can't traumatize the children through such actions no matter how justified! You ask a good question, how do I picture myself if I split with my W. I have many dark and dreary pictures in my head which are not necessarily reality based. I see myself in some little basement apartment, with no money, no love and just waiting for my kids to visit! That picture is slowly changing to a more optimistic one. Yet, it is hard to imagine a picture of me sitting in this situation for years to come either. I have been patient and kind, I have done what I can do and think maybe it's time to bite the bullet and move on with life. I've lived with the open rejection for three years and the two previous weren't much better. But, hey, I loved her and still do. But I don't know where the person I love has gone. I just don't know anymore! Maybe the time has come. P.S. I hope Chris W is doing well and that's why we don't hear from him. It was looking positive at the end!
