speaking of dancing w/ the stars - I heard they quoted Heather Mills (is that her name?) saying to one of the helpers that she thought $20K a day sounded like a lot, but it's really not - and she only asked for $17K!
INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll take her $3K a day -
Good for you on PMA, hanging out with the fam and getting back into your bed.
that was one thing that bothered me about my sitch - I felt even more guilty when my H moved across the hall. After all I did, he shouldn't have been the one moving anywhere
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Thanks UA, hey sorry to hear about your H finding your support stash here on the BB. I'm glad to see it hasn't kept you from coming back! As for me, I'm in a funk today, I may be catching a cold combined with a couple of good physical workouts the last few days using my overly uptight body! But, I'm thinking it may be time to cash in my chips. I just can't imagine continuing this way. I see no healthy future for myself or my family by continuing to live as we are. I'm dealing with a person who refuses to discuss our future, the best I got was "if you want to leave, leave!" I don't even like her anymore. I've NEVER ever felt that way. This is a person who describes herself as "selfish, self-centred, unable to meet others needs but that's who I am" She says she has difficulty in dealing with the kids when they need something from her. I live in a situation with a woman who appears to resent my very existence. The things I thought might make a difference, such as BR dance, working on the finances together have just created more tension and anger between us. We rarely have a conversation about anything other than the kids, she treats me like a piece of furniture when she's not pissing on me! What the Hell kind of life is this? I'm seriously thinking of telling her this weekend that the party is over, start thinking about separation and how we're going to do it. I can't ever imagine this woman changing short of a nervous breakdown. I'm emotionally and physically drained right now. It's time to get on with life, limbo land is nowhere to spend your life. Again, this is very emotional for me right now, I just want to sit down and cry my heart out but I can't, there is nowhere to do it. Sorry, to be such a downer but whatis is.
Did you see my H posted though? He's not upset with me posting here, just that at some points, I was posting TMI.....but as we all know, we're all in such a fog when these things happen and we just want or need to let it all out and I really didn't have anywhere else to do that.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
1. She's calling the shots. She treats you poorly and you blow up. She's the puppeteer. Time to take back the control of your life.
2. It might be time for an ulimatum. Calmly give her 1-2 mos to consider. Ask her to leave. Get evidence of the affair just in case she wants to be litigious.
3. You're obviously not happy wih her. She's committing adultery. Marriage experts say that divorce is never good for the kids unless: 1. there's physical abuse; or 2. Chronic infidelity. Either one ends up emotionally or physically hurting the other spouse, and hurting the kids.
4. You are are doing amazing. But it's clear you are powder-keg ready to blow.
5. Your Get a Life activities are great. Bravo. Very "zen", very calming. Maybe something's missing here: testosterone. What do I mean? It seems assertiveness is missing from your marriage and, perhaps your life. The new you may need something more direct, a wear-your-heart on your sleeve persona. How about Karate or Kick-Boxing? You've tried being calm, non fix-it, emotionally validating and nice -- it's not working for your wife. Your stretching your feminine side to the breaking point, and it's not gettiing you where you want to go. How about an opposite approach? A true 180? How about increasing your masculine strength? Kick ass and take no prisoners.
6. Along those lines. Maybe your wife's seeking a female sexual partner means she's been masculinized to some degree. IF that's unalterable, then you guys are finished unless you are willing to play the sterotypical "female" role. If you are OK with her being dominant, you need to start being what the OW is in her life -- a calculating, ego-feeding sychophant. Notice the OW is stoking your wife's career and sense of mission -- playing to her masculing side. If you are not willing to mimic the OW, and I think you aren't, then try a radical 180, and re-masculinize yourself. Maybe her masculine side can be altered and re-feminized. Re-discovering your masculinity might bring out the female side in your wife and restore attraction. There's a guy named David Dada that suggests sexual polarity is what makes attraction. Loss of mission in life and nerve in a man causes a woman to seek a more masculine role in the marriage and therefore the polarity is gone. Did you lose your nerve? Did you wife's focus on work, instead of relationships, make her more "masculine"? Did you lose your mission in life?
7. If you want to try something else before the ultimatum, try reading the Way of a Superior Man by Dada. And try the e-book sold in http://www.Makingherhappy.com by Cunningham. It's an interesting approach. It's in line with DB principles but it may give you interesting food for thought for a dramatic 180. It would be fun 180. It seems that restoring attraction is key right now. Being nice isn't working. Letting her call the emotional shots isn't working. Maybe standing firm will. If she's looking for a wife, you're not that person. If she's looking for a man, she's not going to get it in the OW. Maybe she'll find that man in you.
You are a saint and a good man. You really can't blow it at this stage.
Thanks for the input, Theo! Actually, I did take Tae Kwondo with my kids for over a year, great exercise. youngest D quit after she inadvertently kicked the instructor in the balls and everyone laughed. She never quite got over that one. One thing W certainly is aware of is that my schedule is not open to change any longer to make way for her life. I make plans regardless of her "night out" with OW and she changes her plans. W has always been driven work wise, part of it is cultural and she works for an organization of her culture, that just pumps her up even more. She isn't interested in getting ahead but only in looking competent. Her biggest fear is looking incompetent to others. I have put my job related growth on hold for her and recently decided to start taking courses to further that aspect of my life. W comes from a very disfunctional family where father was involved in an A for 25 years and W's mother knew about it. Her response was to use the children as weapons against Dad, my W was a child forced to be Mother to her Mother and to the rest of her brothers and sisters. She had no one stroking her and telling her how wonderful she was and when the "sychophant", as you so aptly put it, showed up she went for it hook line and sinker. One of the things she said really attracted her to me was, as she told me, that I treated her like a Queen! Somewhere in family etc that died down a bit (imagine that). She wanted to be the center of attention and that couldn't be with a young family thus the sychophant. Now to your ideas, how would I show this manly side you mention? Certainly by saying "talk to me properly" would be one way (I've done that one before, no luck), anything else come to mind? Presently I do what I want and she knows I'm going to cuz I told her that a year ago, and I do it. So, ideas anyone? I do like the idea of giving a time limit on the ultimatum, letting her really decide what she wants. If she wants the OP then she's welcome to it, lets just stop playing f@cking house and get on with life. Thanks Theo.
1. Approach her sexually. It shows confidence, it shows passion, it shows you expect somethign from her. She may say no. But then, why not try? Brusied ego? You're past that by now.
2. Ravish Her. If and when you do have sex, be the ravisher. Pentetration is an expression of masculinity. If your sexuality has become merely mutual stimulation (oral or manual), that's androgynous. Two men or two women can do that to each other.
3. Shock her with your love, don't reason with her or withdraw. When she psychologically beats you up, don't "disengage" to control your anger and lick your wounds, don't reason or argue. Instead, move towards her in a passionate, counter-intuitive way. When she's snappy, say, "Shoot, you are so hot tonight." When you did somethign awesome at work (got a promotion) and tell her, and instead of praising you, she says, "Where's the milk I asked you to get? I left a note in your briefcase." You can act pissed and go get the milk. (Wrong answer...you just ceded power to her) You can tell her she hurt your feelings (Well now, little boy is about to cry). Or you can apprach her with a huge grin on your face, kiss her on the cheek -- better on the lips -- and say, "Hun, I'll get the freaking milk, but I just got a promotion." Cut through her cloudy mess with your unshackable unperturbable love.
This happened to me one evening at dinner. We were on a date night and at the bar waiting for our table, my wife and I got into an argument about her new spiritual path. It was devolving into "Theoden, you're judging me." and me saying, "No, I'm not." I was trying to argue my way out of this. It was getting worse. At the time I hadn't learned listening and validating. So instead, I shocked her with my love. As we sat down at the table, I have her a lustful look and said, "Damn you look so hot tonight." She blushed from ear to ear and we has a great evening. I also was drinking a bit and was very relaxed.
Did I mention the benefits of alcohol?
4. Find your mission in life. Enhance your career. Become incredibly clear and passionate.
Honestly, try reading The Way of the Superior Man. Try the ebook I suggested. There are uniquely masculine ways of delaing with the woman that are firm but tender and passionate.
It still might be about sexual polarity. The Lesbian affair is what intrigues me. Maybe she simply wants a sycophant and anyone will do, man or woman. Hmmmmm.....I doubt it. Why a woman and not a man? I don't believe in the cultural androgyny that everyone is buying into. This might be a male-female issue.
Maybe she'll only be comfortable being a woman if she feels your heart is bigger than hers, more generous, wilder, more of a leading, protecting and guiding presence. That way she can relax in your presence.
In re to my last post, I was just thinking about the time I did tell W how it was going to be. It was a few months after bomb #2 and she called me just as I was going to leave for a Yoga class. She wanted me to take the kids because she couldn't get home in time. I told her that I could not because I had not fed them and had to leave right now. She got flustered and said she couldn't leave "we're talking money" and I said "if you had called earlier I could have accomidated you but now I can't" she said "what do you want!" I replied "I want to go to my class" so she said "Alright I'll come home!". When I returned from my class she lit into me, "You need to be more flexible and stop being an A-hole" and I replied "I'm sorry you see it that way but you've put me in a posititon where I am forced to take care of my own needs, I was flexible for years and look what it got me." She looked at me and said "You're right" and walked away. Since then this issue has never arisen again. I handled it in a calm, controlled manner and that may have made the difference? A screaming maniac doesn't seem to make the same impact, no matter how right. Just thinking out loud.
Theo, I used to go for it frequently and, sorry, it got damn frustrating! I scored twice in the same week once this year after that she'd pull herself into a little ball so I couldn't get at anything. Stopped trying then, it felt kind of pathetic to keep at it. As for why the woman and not a man. She told me other men had asked her out but she said no, even though she wanted to, because "I was a married woman" and the woman is/was her best friend so she explains this as "it was just something that happened between two people, nobody planned it" She said it snuck up on her because they already had a close R. Personally, Theo I think I was right when I called the two of them "a pair of sick bitches". Really, I think she's nuts.
Ok...so you think the whole polarity thing doesn't apply in this situation?
Perhaps not.
I thought it might be a fun option to try.
Ok...then.
It looks like, long-term this situation cannot continue. You are living with someone who is committing adultery and disrespecting you.
Only you can decide when it's time to offer an ultimatum.
I think that would perfectly be in order.
Protect youself, get evidence just in case. Speak to your counselor and talk to a lawyer. I'm sure you will be amicable with your wife.
I think, perhaps the separation, the reality of not having you around, *and* of seeing how much her best friend/lover will eventually become a suffocating presence in her life, might turn her around. You will continue to DB for yourself and any other exciting woman you meet. It may be your wife, it may be someone else. It's been said that addicts only stop when the pain outweighs the rush.
