Well, I'm moving over from Infidelity (neighbours are too noisy )cuz tossing in the towel is becoming a frequent thought these days. For any of you lucky enough to have missed my sitch I'll fill you in as briefly as possible: W and I have been married for 17 years (D9 and D13)and five years ago W began working at higher stress jobs that had an element of isolation within a big institution. She befriended a fellow female worker who became her emotional lifeline. Since that time I have been increasiningly shoved aside. Her gf helped convince her to go back to school and get an graduate degree (while holding on to her ft job) and I supported her in doing so. But this increased the stress and depression she felt (she went on AD's but stopped). Three years ago she told me that she didn't know how she felt about me anymore, two years ago she told me she didn't love me anymore, one year ago (to this day!) she told me she was having a R with, you guessed it, her girlfriend! She refuses to say she is gay, she claims "it was just something that happened between two people". I discovered DB about two years ago and have been working at improving myself and changing what I can in the R but to no avail. I have become an incredibly happier and fuller person despite all this sh!t because of DB. W wants to stay together and raise the children BUT continue her A. I have told her that is not acceptable and I will not continue like this for much longer. Recently, I saw a Solution Focused Counsellor re my sitch and she suggested W come with me if possible. I suggested this to W and was told to basically blow off! I don't think it's going to happen, she said "if you want to leave, then leave". She's got her cake and is eating it too. What holds me is my two beautiful D's who we have been able to raise into two remarkably well adjusted kids, considering! The SF counsellor also pointed out the amazing job I have done in changing myself and working on the R. Now, I am at a point where I don't see anything that will change as long as I am here BUT I also can't stand the thought of tearing my D's world's apart either. Yes, what W did (and is doing) was selfish but if I leave am I doing nothing but the same? Am I too saying ME ME ME!Yet I'm getting damn tired of being furniture in my own home too. Any thoughts out there in DB land?
whatisis, welcome and sorry you are here. get the DB and DR and the Sexless marriage books and read like a madman. So, you two are still living together? Was sex a problem too then?
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
Wow...all I have got to say is you are one hell of a good man....and no matter what happens your girls will know the quality of father they had....my hat goes off to you to hang in there this long...
I will keep you in my thoughts that you find the answers you are seeking....I can't imagine living in the situation you are...and I totally agree that you probably won't be able to do it forever...
One can only hope that in all of this someday your wife wakes up and realizes that the relationship she is having is lesbian...I don't know how else it can be described...."just two people"...come on....that is DENIAL big time!
My best to you....and your beautiful wonderful girls!
Thanks for checking me out, Rosie! Sex was an issue in the sense that she felt I didn't put enough romance into it. I worked at trying to be more romantic, to no avail. But as far as the act itself, she was quite into it! I believe A with OW is basically an EA, it's two needy people who plugged into each others needy spots. W needed to be the wounded bird and OW needed to care for a wounded bird. Their R is pretty onesided and therefore sick, if you ask me. OW caters to W's every whim and need and puts no demands on her at all. In our brief discussions re this new R that is what W has told me. I told her they were a "pair of f'ing sick bitches" (not one of my better days!). They seem to have no real opportunity for a sexual R as OW lives with "mommy and daddy" and that's where they spend much of their time! They go away maybe twice a year for a weekend (and what they do, I don't want to know). W has always been a "why can't you read my mind" kind of person and she claims OW actually can "read her mind". I told her I wasn't a mindreader, sometimes I would know what she needs but other times I wouldn't and will have to be told. That wasn't good enough.
The reason OW can read her mind is because she is WOMAN...men don't think like women....and for a very good reason....you wife needs to learn to communicate!!!...but that is her issue and one she will have to face someday....I am sure of that!
Thanks UL and imLIN, W says she is staying for the girls. She sees herself as some kind of martyr because she is giving up time she'd like to be with OW to be with the family. She sees OP only once or twice per week and usually after the kids have gone to bed. How she suffers! have there been any positives in the M? Hell yes, many but they don't ever seem to result in any changes! After a sexless year, in August we had sex! She had been away with the girls and upon return I gave it a go and it happened. Why, who knows. Since then, nothing and I don't try anymore. I don't want to come across as needy and pathetic. We go to ballroom dance lessons each week together, at my suggestion. I thought having to work together on something (especially something she loved) might bring some connection (and if not, I would have a new skill to use with other women )We never miss a lesson and she even suggested we sign up for the next session! At home, I'm pretty much furniture, she has no interest in me as a man or a person. That's not to say that at times she is not considerate and caring she is but it's not the norm. Hell, she's even planning family vacations for next Christmas! My SF counsellor says W needs to start looking at what she wants for the future and how she's going to get there. Right now she's only bulling her way through each day. She refuses to look further than that, she said "why do we always have to know where we are going?". This from the woman that practically schedules her bathroom visits! Well, I hope this rambling was of some use.
imLIN, my W says she doesn't buy all that "men are different than women" stuff she says it's just an excuse for men! Therefore my inability to mindread is due to my own deficiency versus reality. That idea works out well for her and her A, doesn't it. OW is a goddess who can do no wrong, the wrong stuff is my job!
Something I've really come to understand since all this happened is that you will never get everything you need emotionally from your H/W because of the gender differences. I need my female friends to hang out and talk crap and analyse everything to death. My R with my H gave me different things. And that's ok. That's healthy. People who look for their partner to be everything to them are never going to be satisfied. They'll end up like my H, blundering around looking for his 'soul-mate'.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
I thought I might let people know what GAL activities I have done. Just a little more info for those who are interested! joined a church started to run (up to 5 miles now) aerobics class Yoga class BR dance with W Chinese cooking (can cook 50 dishes now) University courses Reading and writing poetry became vegetarian (just over one year now!) Oh, lost 45 lbs!
For the R began planning weekend activities for family ( W said I never planned anything so I started) became more romantic (W said "stop doing that, you only do it because you think I'll like it!") Began listening better (no more "fixing" just listening and validating) suggested BR dance class tried being more assertive with her (made no dif) continued being caring and supportive despite the pain I still ask her out to movies, lunches etc usually with success (frequently I hear "I was going to ask you")
So that's the list off the top of my head! There's probably more back there somewhere.
)cuz tossing in the towel is becoming a frequent thought these days. For any of you lucky enough to have missed my sitch I'll fill you in as briefly as possible:
