Learning to "detach with love" is so important to getting your life back on tract. We don't have to stop loving our MLC spouses, but we do need to do it from a distance.
Establishing BOUNDARIES is very important for the LBS to have some level of self-esteem or self-worth. The LBS needs to protect themselves from the verbal abuse the MLC spouse trys to project onto them.
When a MLC spouse says they never loved us, or they list all the things that are wrong with us, it blows are self worth into a million pieces. The MLC spouse needs to stop allowing the MLC spouse to continue degrading them as if they have no value.
The MLC spouse projects their pain and own feelings of not being good enough onto the LBS so that they feel better about themselves.
A person with low self-esteem often has to put down others in order to make themselves feel better about who they are.
A MLC person is attempting to overcome his or her own insecurities by bringing up all the shortcoming of his or her spouse. By making their spouse out to be not good enough, the MLC spouse begins to believe that he or she "is good enough."
I know, this is a little twisted. But a MLC spouse looks at their LBS as pathetic, weak, and not worthy of them. Why? Because it is how they protect themselves and avoid dealing with their own issues of feeling not good enough, loveable, respected, appreciated, validated,..etc.
To all newomers and early stage LBS;
In the early days of trying to understand your spouses MLC and why are they doing this, it is very confusing. In time, with great people like Snodderly posting, you will begin to see things for what they are.
Take it day by day, focus on your own needs and health as well of those of your children. Over time, life will become settled again and you will look back at this experience from a totally different persepctive.
I will just say that M. Go Blue is so correct. I'm six months in, and MLC W just said she wants a divorce. So do I. I've listened to a lot of spewing of nonsense (most recently two days ago). I'll own my failures, but what I heard two days ago convinced me she hasn't budged an inch since we separated. Same old crap. Thanks to these boards, I have learned to let that roll right off me. I just detached and told her I wasn't going to get involved in her drama. Simply walked away. I think it drove her nuts. THAT is the way to go. It's hard, but necessary. Time and knowledge bring new, healthier perpectives. It will come if you are open to it. Take care.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
