This from "jwhetnc" about a telephone consultation with DB Coach, Dotty:
Re: JW's Saga - Part V
posted 11/18/02 04:24 PM
Well, today has been a pretty good day. I met with my C this morning, then had my first phone consult with one of the DBing counselors this afternoon. I spoke to Dotty. I really enjoyed the phone consult. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful C, but I do really feel like I got a lot from the phone consult. They certainly do seem to have some good techniques to offer.
Here is some of what I learned:
1 - No R talk!
2 - Get a life! I am doing this by going to the gym, taking karate, and I am going to start working on projects.
3 - When I start to approach my W with something that might pressure her, listen to that inner voice that tells me "not to go there"
4 - Develop patience. I can do this by practicing patience in my dealing with my friends, co-workers, and training my horses.
5 - I can also develop patience by counting to 5 or 10 before I say something or respond to my W.
6 - I can work on patience when I am working with training my young horse. I can develop more patience by reminding myself that he is young and doesn't understand.
7 - In order to keep my mind from going crazy thinking about my W, I can try and occupy myself with other thoughts. Substitute thoughts of my W with thoughts about things I can be working on.
8 - I can also pick up some of Michele's tapes to play whenever I am driving at work - so I don't start thinking too much about my W.
9 - Some of the things I can do to keep myself busy: make out and implement a plan to organize my house; work on the yard, work on the barn, etc...
10 - When I make out my plans to work on or organize things, set it up so it is divided into small steps that I can quickly get accomplished.
11 - Organize things according to priority.
12 - Learn new skills.
These are just some of the notes that I made.
Dotty seemed to think I am making good progress and she said the things my W has said and done lately sounded really promising. But, she did tell me that I need to work hard on giving my W the time and space she needs to work through her issues. I need to stop pushing/pressuring her at all. Every time I bring up R talk, or pressure her in any way, I am just pushing us back to page one. So, my chances are good if I can successfully leave her alone to work through her issues. My chances aren't so good if I don't give her the time and space she needs and I keep pushing or pressuring her.
I am really excited about what I discussed with Dotty. I feel much more confident about leaving my W alone, and just working on those things that I outlined above. I was already having a pretty good day, but the consult really did wonders for my PMA. I would highly recommend trying a phone consult if you haven't already.
I talked to a DB coach today, Dotty. She was great! Gave me some good ideas and helped me see more clearly. I have a long way to go, but I will give it all I got. Thanks for the support from everyone. Jennifer
Hello, my name is Hector and I would like to give praise to my DIVORCEBUSTING coach, Dotty. My wife left me (WOW) and I was really devastated. I was doing all the things yor're NOT supposed to do: begging, crying, telling my W that she really loved me, but was just confused and hurt, crowding her space.....it goes on and on. I heard about DBing through a good friend and decided to make the phone call to Michele's office. What a great feeling!! Even the people who answer the phones and make those special telephone appointments for people, were kind and empathetic!!! I would like to give special mention to Keri, because when I called initially, I was pretty deep into my pit of despair and I really appreciated her patience and willingness to comfort me by telling me that the DB Coaches were great and that DBing would help. I think the staff at DBing deserve the thanks of all the lonely, haggard and down-trodden people who are trying (imperfectly or not) to save their marriages.
Dotty heard my story and then set out to tell me what I was doing wrong- which was quite a bit! She gave me hope, real hope that I could still salvage my car-wreck-of-a-marriage. She was tough and unapologetic and I really NEEDED that. You see, my familly and friends meant well, but they were letting me soak in my misery. I needed to move on my problems and better myself, and Dotty made me see that! I still have a ways to go, but now I feel a stronger sense of who I am and what I really want. I have never talked to Michele, but if her coaches are this good she must be Scary good!!! I am thankful to have found DBing and I am especially thankful to have found Dotty.... You might make mistakes along the way, but with people like the DB Coaches around, the miracle of reconciliation with your spouse is ever possible!!!
First, she helped me see that what H is doing isn't directly related to me. It is, in a way (I did things that added to the issues, such as protecting him from making mistakes, which he sees as controling), but some of it are things I can't control. He used to be a drug addict, when he was 18. Then he got in trouble and went away to rehab for 2 years. After he got out, a year or two later, we were married. So he never had a chance to learn how to communicate and grow up. Now that we're separated, giving him time and space will allow him to do that, which will in turn help us as a couple.
She had some interesting things to say, especially about my perspective on the situation. For instance, she asked how often H and I have contact. I replied "Right now, he calls me whenever he feels like it". Oooh, boy, did she put a stop to that!
She told me that by looking at it as "whenever he feels like it", then it's as if the rest of the time he doesn't feel like it. That puts my PMA in a bad spot. I'm putting assumptions on how he feels.
We also talked about how I should keep track of when he contacts me, because that's going to give me clues. If he goes through a period of withdrawl and misses me, then sees me, I can control how he feels upon our parting, and change how often he makes contact.
She told me her view was that I should do a 180 as far as the amount I talk and what I say. I've known that, but she helped me identify more. For instance, when he goes on about what he's been doing while we're separated, she suggested I should pipe in with "Wow, that sounds great!" and "You sound like you're really having some good experiences", and things like that. It will make me appear interested in what he's doing and give him an opening to do more talking, which has been a problem for him in our relationship.
We came up with a plan for me to keep my mouth shut, keep the mystery going, and get him interested in finding out what's going on with me. And by keeping quite, it gives him more of an oppertunity to be responsible for the things that go on, because I'm not assuming the responsibilty for myself (as far as meetings and takling about the R and things go).
To her, it seemed like the time we're together is really good, because I explained how there's no tension between us usually, and he still has that spark of attraction for me. She said not to push for together time, but take advantage of it if he initiates it.
From now on, I'm going to ACT AS IF this divorce isn't happening, and do everything I would do in the case the process wasn't started.
I'm also going to work on myself, trying to meditate more and slow down and calm down. She could tell by my voice that I'm high-energy and anxious, so my plan is to calm myself down and become a more relaxed person. I think I may look into yoga classes.
I have some concrete things to change and work with now! PMA is high as a kite right now. *cackles happily* "
Good morning everyone! Thank you all soooo much for your heartfelt words of encouragement - makes it far easier to bounce back onto my feet with all of you reaching out to pull on my hands...
Had a terrific counseling session with Dotty last night - very, very worthwhile for me and we covered a lot of ground. Couple of big points - first, I had been pressuring and pursuing as a result of some stuff that happened over Thanksgiving - and that I "knew", but wasn't "owning"....the particular incident that spurred the R talk was a church flier for a couples dinner - I asked W if she wanted to go - ooops - Um, no - violated LRT it did...along with my pressuing and pursuing....
Dotty did note that, that I *have* had some major positives occur and that this last backslide was a result of my stopping doing what was working - which is what I realized already - but very nice to have hammered home.
One thing Dotty pointed out, was that hearing "I'm not sure what to do" from your WAS is a *good* thing - for it means that they are not certain - and that's great! Far better to hear that than have them be certain they want out. Also, it gives a great chance to acknowledge and validate - a great reply would be something like "Wow, you really sound at a loss right now (Acknowledge). That must be very tough for you (Validate)"
Part and parcel with this is the absolute necessity of making sure that there are no "I" statements - it *has* to be alllll about them. When we truly "reflect" a conversation, it's about their feelings and emotions - but when you interject any "I"s, it suddenly becomes about us - and that's what we're trying to avoid.
An added benefit of acknowledgement and validation (A & V), is that is gives a sense of "safety" to the speaker - we're saying to them "Tell me more - I'm listening to you" - and this is exactly what we're looking for, a chance for us to rebuild a sense of trust in our Ss....
False hopes - something else we talked about as this was said to me. Dotty relayed that this was extremely common and not at all a "bad" thing. Again, it gives us a chance to A & V to *our* benefit. WAS: "I don't want to give you false hopes" US: "It sounds as if your withholding yourself to protect me? That must be awfully uncomfortable for you." Etc....
IOW, rephrasing their emotion/feeling and then adding in compassion and empathy as well.
In many ways, nothing "new" was added to my arsenal - except the biggie - clarity of purpose. For me to be able to recreate my M, the best course of action is to make my W's interactions with me as safe as possible - and therefore, it cannot be about me at all, but rather, completely about *her* - sounds a bit paradoxical, but in reality, it isn't....
We also talked about some specific goals and issues pertaining to my upcoming life - what will help me be her friend instead of aggressively pursuing LBS at Disneyworld, whether or not I should pursue getting a place to stay on my own (No! W asked me to stay - honor that request!), how to work on my exuberance which leads to backslides.
The other thing of course, is GAL! One thing my W said the other night, is that I'm not particularly attractive to her - and I have to agree. Tough time of year for "doing things" - but you do what you can. So, salsa dance lessons start on Tuesday, signed up to do 2 Sat per month with Habitat for Humanity, Men's group is 2 Mondays per month, etc.
Reread JamesJohn's post of LRT up in the saved links section again last night - and yes, it's right there. LRT isn't necessarily just about giving them space, but moreso about rebuilding ourselves. When I was pursuing this weekend, it was b/c I wasn't thrilled with myself and was seeking validation and affirmation from *her*. Nope - that ain't gonna work. However, when I LRT well - which I have in the past, it's ulitmately been about me pursuing *me* - LRT techniques are actually focused on relieving *my* pain and keeping *me* out of trouble spots. If I say "ILY" or just call her up to chit chat, I'm exposing *myself* to risk of rejection as well as pursuing her. It was well worth my time to read the LRT bulletpoints in DR and with each one, see what was in it for *me* - not for her, but *me* - what was I getting from each method?
I'm alive, I'm well, I'm me. LRT stuff works - I've seen the results. My personal stumbling block is immediately getting excited about the results and then stopping doing what was working! If a sales pitch works, why change it midstream? Better yet, when it works, I feel better about *me* and what I'm doing for *me* - and that's a great thing.
Whew - if you waded thru all this, you deserve a gold star! Gold stars on the house!!!!!!
LRTing is it. It truly is. But - and here's what I'm tasked to remember - the focus of this, if to be sustainable, has to be on me, not her, me. And when it is....when it is, then I can and will have incentive to keep doing what's working.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
