Great one liners - that helped me I I

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Sailors_girl

This was concerning putting our spouse on a pedestal. A natural thing we all do, post bomb

...but what someone pointed out to me once is that while we are doing this - that where we are actually placing ourselves is BELOW that person...weird how simple that is

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of OnHoldAZ

God does not force things against our will - he puts things in our path, in hopes that we will change direction. Most people do not.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of M Go Blue

When someone gets defensive to something you say. There's probably a lot of truth to it. People react strongly to something that strikes a nerve inside of them.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of tonibalcer (fortysixty.org)

I have a sign near my computer that says, ILYBINILWY because I love myself more!!!! It reminds me not to e-mail him. It's like avoiding a disease, the further away, the healthier you stay!

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Jack_three_beans

On the subject of letting go

it is NOT an ACTIVE process. It is a totally PASSIVE process.

You do not let go as in move on and get over her. You let go as in letting go of a child on a bike, knowing that they are going to crash one day, but you still have to let them go.

You let them go, and live your life and work on yourself, for the day they come back...

You be there for her, when she wants you, not you be there for her when you want to.

...you hold to something THIS tight, you break it. You hold onto someone this tight...you smother them.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Grasshopper

Concerning lack of detachment, and thinking too much of our situations

What you are managing is your resentment, anger and pain, all of which are evidence that you're still externalizing much of your feelings.

I hate to be graphic, but what you are doing (and BTW, me and everyone else going through this is too) is akin to having your stomach opened up and your guts spilled. You get the injury, somehow manage to put everything back in place and then you reach back in and start pulling bits back out through the wound again. Your assailant has long walked away. The pain you are feeling now is largely at your own hand and while the wound, or at least it's scar, is still there, that doesn't mean you have to reach into it and use it to inflict pain on yourself again.

You are still allowing HER emotions/problems and the relationship to greatly affect YOUR emotional state/feelings. You are allowing your feelings to then control you which is not helping.

When I think about internalizing, I guess I just mean detaching, not allowing external forces, forces that you have NO control over, to sway your mood and outlook on things. Being more self-centered (in a good way) is really what I am getting at. If you learn to put your happiness in a shell, inside yourself and nurture, protect and grow it, then you will be much better off than if you keep fishing for that happiness outside yourself, as you constantly do when you keep looking for your W or your marriage to make you happy.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Bworl

Many times it is when we truly let go of things that they finally have the ability to find their way back to us.

A particularly hokey and contrived analogy that just popped to my mind.

Suppose you took your beloved dog out for a walk on a VERY long leash. And for some reason the dog bolted off away from you, and since his leash was very long, you lost track of where he was and desperately wanted to get him back. Well your beloved dog ran off, got that extremely long leash tangled in all kinds of crap and even though he wants desperately to get back to you too, he can't untangle it. So what do you do?

You let go of the leash.

That frees your beloved dog to come running back to you.

He never makes it back as long as you are clutching to his leash.

[nickyf]

Smurf

I just wanted to say that the leash story makes so much sense, i never looked at things like that before.

Thanks

Nicky

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Grace_o

After all he was breathing when he said it so he could have been lying.

LMAO

[mrspoolboyz]

Courtesy of W2S

Reward civil contacts with civil replies. End spewing calls by hanging up. Don't answer spewing emails with anything other than I am sorry you feel that way and if you ever change your mind or want to discuss this calmy I will be here .... click!!!!!!!!

Can i post on this thread, without Smurf's permission.

[Smurf_SMR]

Superb reply from Pegasus from the fortysixty website, when asked for an example to the question

Do not believe what you hear, and believe 1/2 of what you see.


Can Anybody give me a example??? Can anybody clearify???

The MLCer is so lost, he/she doesn't know what he/she is saying or doing most of the time.
Believing what you hear would be like taking Pinocchio's word as gospel and then being surprised when his nose grew. They don't know what they're saying, but that's not going to stop them from saying SOMETHING, even if it's stupid and completely out of character to them. At the time, it makes PERFECT sense to them.

Believing what you see would be like thinking the Big Bad Wolf in the bed is really Grandma, and then being surprised when you get eaten. They don't know what they're doing, but that's not going to stop them from doing SOMETHING, even if it's stupid and completely out of character for them. At the time, it makes PERFECT sense to them, no matter how bizarre it seems to those of us who are in our right mind.
Best thing to do when confronted with a MLCer is to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and hum your favorite soothing tune until they disappear. They will soon realize that they have no power over you, and you will be back in control of your own life.

[mrspoolboyz]

Best thing to do when confronted with a MLCer is to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears,

SEE!

I stick my fingers in my ears and hold my breath, seee, seee, this is just another form of stomping

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of AmyC

...this insight comes from a woman who was in an MLC

Why the MLCer is so distant.

Why do you think she is so distant?
She CAN'T deal with your emotions AND her own,

Her own OVERWHELM her.
That's why she's out there, man.
That's why she's lost.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy or Cinderellaman


Quote:She cannot miss me even though she says she tries (weird, huh?)

This is typical MLC- blokkage....they try to force themselves to feel these things...but since they are NOT in touch with their feelings, just their ratio...that's why they can't FIND those feelings...

It's like when you look for something so hard, but you just can't find it and then you forget about it, and all of a sudden you find it, or remember where you left it....
They are stuck in the first bit....

My H is the same....this is where ILYBNILY anymore applies....they know they love us, but they are looking for those 'butterflies' so hard and then when they don't find them, well...they think they must be gone...

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Jeanette1120

Life is NOT like a box chocolates any longer, as most chocolate boxes now have the pictures on the insdie of the box descripting what they are. So we have a CHOICE of which one we want!

It's as simple as that....a choice. We have choices

[Smurf_SMR]

On the subject of "what you resist, persists"

Jack_three_Beans in his usual eloquent explains it

your battle is a losing one, fight it tooth and nail and you will have no teeth and no nails.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Imageer

When I first came to this board shortly after my W left, I was asking myself all sorts of questions. "Why is this happening?", "What did I do wrong?", "How did I not see that things where that bad?" When I started reading book on the subject, I kept reading the same senarios over and over again. H & W argue constantly, physical abuse, alcohol abuse, neglect, .... What really bothered me is that none of these things where in my marraige. Now I can see that the things that are wrong with my marriage are small and easily correctable. I now realize that the basic (rediculous) reason, I'm separated is because my W wanted to go and play with her bad friend more. Hardly grounds for D and abandoning your children. However, W is not well. She is in MLC and you cannot group this with other people that get D. It is vastly different. We are different because we know, we took the responsibility to learn.

[Smurf_SMR]

Coutesy of Jeanette1120

Resentment, anger, and fear make up the triangle of self obsession. All of our defects of character are forms of these three reactions. Self-obsession is at the heart of our insanity. Resentment is the way most of us react to our past. It is the relilving of past experiences, again and again in our minds. Anger is the way most of us deal with the present. It is our reaction to and denial of reality. Fear is what we feel when we think about the future. It is our response to the unknown; a fantasy in reverse. All three of these things are expressions of our self obsession. They are the way that we react when people, places and things (past, present and future) do not live up to our demands.

If we stay focused, and learn to practice principles in all our affairs, a miracle happens. We find freedom from our self obsession. Resentment is replaced with acceptance, anger is replaced with love; and fear is replaced with faith.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of bambam1970

Someone once told me, "Keep walking forward on the your own path of healing and strengthening. Some day you will turn around and either he will be walking beside you or he will be so far back you won't be able to see him. And if that's what it is, you will be ok with it and ready to move on." I am finding that to be so true

[Sonor]

Smurf,

This was just the thread I needed tonight. I like No. 2, it has everything to do with 180. Change your direction, make it about you. They have made it about them. So join them and make it about you.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Cire2

Put The Glass Down


A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.

He held it up for all to see; asked the students,' How much do you think this glass weighs?'

'50gms!' .... '100gms!' ......'125gms' ......the students answered.

'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor,'but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?'

'Nothing' the students said.

'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professor asked.

'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.

'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?'

'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress; paralysis;

Have to go to hospital for sure!'ventured another student; all the students laughed.

'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?' asked

The professor. 'No' the students said.

Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?'

The students were puzzled.

'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.

'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.

Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK.

Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.

It's important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but

EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep.

That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!'


Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!

[Smurf_SMR]

A couple of Quotes from Rollercoasterider (RCR)

Things will all work out in the end. If they haven't worked out yet, it must not be the end.

Every low blow from her brings you down more. You are subjecting yourself to this by giving her the opportunity to 'do the right things.' But she won't do that. By contacting her you are hearing what you don't want.

Hence detachment and minimum contact

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of bambam1970

When Life is Hammering You

Life WILL hammer you and you won't understand why it is happening or how anything good can ever come of it. The real question will be HOW will you handle it? We can only see what's right in front of us, but God sees the whole picture....our destiny. If we choose to handle ourselves in a dignified manner with as much integrity as possible, we will be rewarded. I believe that.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Walkingback

"Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you try to chase it, the harder it is to catch. Be still, and it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Bworl

an analogy once that used to work for me. You're walking your beloved dog one day (on an extremely long leash). You're dog sees something that catches his attention and runs off, far from you. As time goes by, you begin to worry. What if my dog is lost? What if he can't find his way back? You start tugging on the extremely long leash.

Meanwhile, your dog has finished his long adventure and also realizes that he has wandered too far from you. He is frantically trying to find his way back to you, but his leash is all tangled up with all the stuff he ran through on his adventure.

You're pulling. He's pulling. Neither of you are getting anywhere. The two of you are NOT getting closer together.

What's the answer?

Drop the leash.

One of you has to stop pulling. Your dog sure can't disconnect himself, so you have to let him go. Eventually he will drag himself and the leash back to you.

But you have to let go.

[Smurf_SMR]

Courtesy of Wekin1 (Path Partners)

One would wonder why or how it could happen after so much water has passed over the dam. But I would remind people of how this all started in the beginning by asking some questions.

Would it have been any less difficult to visualize our wives going down this path prior to the point where the wheels started flying off?

Is it really conceivable that a person can be one person for 20 or 30 years and then permanently become the opposite?

Is it conceivable that a person could actually "pretend" to be happy, loving and fulfilled for decades without collapsing much sooner from the exhaustion in keeping up such a tremendous act? Even the best professional actors can't maintain character for that long.

Is it really conceivable that we were so blind that we mistook the thousands of gestures, intimate moments, sharing moments, acts of love, conversations, gifts, expressions and all the rest for something other than a comitted love relationship that was organic and genuine?

If hormonal shifting is normal, if it has the ability to change women's personalities for a week a month, isn't it possible that a MAJOR, sustained hormonal shift might also change a woman's personality for a longer period of time?

If a woman's hormonal cycling begins and ends monthly, is it not more easily acceptable that a major hormonal cycle, such as is proven to exist at midlife, will also end?

Guys, I am all about hope and optimism. I have repeatedly stated for over three years that hope is all I have ever had to stand on...even now amid MY second chance.

BUT...I am not about false hope...false optimism. That is not what I am offering to you here either. However, my hope is based on facts and reason and it had NEVER been reasonable to me that my W would change as dramatically as she did, forever.

I could not put a year or two of "craziness" on a scale and have it somehow outweigh 16 years of what I knew to be true of her. There is no way. We are not living in a Walt Disney world here...this is real life where the fantastic rarely is.
.....

[BigMac]

I love this thread. All the quotes stacking up is super great.

[MrBond]

Here's another:

Be the Lighthouse.

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

The good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

The competition we believe that exists with the OP is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world....

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong....they do not like what they are doing....

Their actions towards you, the children, the OP and themselves keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions with real dept and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life....yet the filling is way to fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down, regardless of whom is next to them....

They are the living cliche of...no matter where you go to hide, there YOU are.

He or she is lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home. Even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them towards it, let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

They are untrustable right now, but you know that. So they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently, but you know better.

You show them the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives, without love busting.

Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them. You fill the childrens lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or power struggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is OK. No one can stay very long in that chaos..it is wearisome to the soul..

And remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse...

[Matt165]

This one about the holding of the glass....
When her MLC started, my W couldn't sleep but maybe 2-3 hours a night. She would tell me how she would wake every night worrying about this or that. She still does this now that she has moved away. How can a person EVER be "happy" going through this night after night? How can they EVER find peace when they can't stop thinking what MAY happen? The worst thing WE can do is JOIN them in this craziness! I guess the thing is beware of the old adage "If you can't beat them, Join them", the last thing I want to do is join in HER craziness!!

[GoatGal]

I am enjoying this thread too.

I hope others continue to add to it.

[Cadet]

I love the light house post and I was doing some research and I think I may have found the person that wrote it, sadly they are not from DB and I am unable to share that information here, however if anyone is interested they can let me know.

[pbetra]

Hi,
I hope that this is not irrelevant here, but whenever I come across it, I am reminded to adjust my 'perspective'.

I started an online course earlier this year. It was Buddhism and Modern Psychology. However, not long after, H dropped the bomb. I did not realize what I was dealing with as his 'unscheduled anger' & erratic emotions were hurled at me. I felt that I had failed at my M because he blamed me for all that was wrong. Panic, sadness & frequent crying followed as you can relate (which I hid). I withdrew from the course as I could no longer concentrate or do my assignments on time.

Anyway, I found the following thought interesting & would like to share. It was from a thread >What is Happiness? There was a discussion on suffering (which Buddhism appears to be 'obsessed' with for some ).

2 examples of suffering (1 for me, the other for H).

Response 1 - Me/LBS (Post that I could relate to 'somehow')
The feeling is that we can use 'mind' to allievate suffering. Pain is from body but suffering is ALL mind. When it was suggested that we do not have to suffer, I questioned about victims of rape & war.

The reply >> that it is the act of holding on to the angst, stress & anger that arose at the time of the crime that created the suffering. HOLDING ON creates the suffering - but we hold on to fear/emotions without realizing it. The poster went on to comment on that emotions are impermanent & can be replaced with happiness at will. Remember the crime has passed - but the act of holding on is continuously present as we cycle the hurt. The pain in the body is a separate component - the 'pain of the mind' suffering, is controllable at will <<<

Although this post is about MLC and not about crime, the response is similar I think. We hold on to the emotions experienced by the 'bomb-crime' & as LBS, we suffer. I see the relevance of detaching here (another Buddhist approach btw), letting go, GAL ... vs suffering, the act of holding on to those emotions associated with the MLCer, their 'bomb-crime' & overall MLC behaviour.

Response 2 - H (Post I associate w/ H)
On a related note, another thread mentioned we also 'suffer' when our expectations/goals are not met (This one was big, because H had BIG, BI G, B I G (!!) goals that ALL failed - this was in addition to employment issues & milestone birthday). H believes that I am the reason that he is 'suffering' such a plague in his life - however, as people we set ourselves up - & suffer.
At will we don't have to, because suffering is all in the mind.

Why should I include this here? - because I learn from it, its my nts.
It's a reminder that I can be HAPPY AT WILL. We all can. DETACH & move on (not easy !!! but possible)

take care, p.

[pbetra]

Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!
[/quote] [/quote]

Thx u - very profound.
I have saved for my 'feel good' file !!

[exquisitetobe]

Mine were poems

I asked for STRENGHT... and God gave me difficulties to make me strong

I asked for WISDOM... and God gave me problems to solve

I asked for PROSPERITY... and God gave me brain and brawn to work

I asked for COURAGE... and God gave me danger to overcome

I asked for LOVE... and God gave me troubled people to help

I asked for FAVORS... and God gave me opportunities

I received nothing I wanted, I RECEIVED EVERYTHING I NEEDED !!!!

[exquisitetobe]

BE SOMEONE

Be someone who listens, and you will be heard
Be someone who cares, and you will be loved
Be someone who gives, and you will be blessed
Be someone who comforts, and you will know peace
Be someone who genuinely seek to understand, and you will be wise
Be someone kind, considerate, and you will be admired
Be someone who values truth, and you will be respected
Be someone who takes actions, and you will move life forward
Be someone who lifts others higher, and your life will be rich
Be someone filled with gratitude, and there will be no end to the things for which you'll be thankful
Be someone who lives with joy, with purpose, as your own light brightly shines
Be, in every moment, the special someone you are truly meant to be

[exquisitetobe]

" an entire sea of water can' t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship.
Similarity, the negativity of the world can' t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you. "

[25yearsmlc]

On forgiveness and or, holding onto anger...


"Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

...to get smoke in their eyes."



Let it go...

[25yearsmlc]

"Once you KNOW you have truly GAL, done your 180s & become the very best

You that YOU can become, then turn it over to God. Let HIM carry your marriage awhile.

There's literally nothing left to do then, but hold your head up, and go in peace."

[25yearsmlc]

Saw this and really liked it. Reminds me of the many great men on this site.


Boys play house, Men build homes.

Boys shack up, Men get married.

Boys make babies, Men raise children.

A boy won’t raise his own children, A man will raise someone else’s.

Boys invent excuses for failure, Men produce strategies for success.

Boys look for somebody to take care of them,

Men look for someone to take care of.

Boys seek popularity, Men demand respect and know how to give it.

[RAI]

Appreciate all these sayings. Here are two that I heard from my very wise older sister that sustain me.

"What we accept, we teach."

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

RAI

[RAI]

I asked for STRENGTH... and God gave me difficulties to make me strong

I asked for WISDOM... and God gave me problems to solve

I asked for PROSPERITY... and God gave me brain and brawn to work

I asked for COURAGE... and God gave me danger to overcome

I asked for LOVE... and God gave me troubled people to help

I asked for FAVORS... and God gave me opportunities

I received nothing I wanted, I RECEIVED EVERYTHING I NEEDED !!!!

exquisitetobe,

POWERFUL STUFF!!!! Thanks for sharing this one. It really helps me accept my current sitch for what it is: a growing experience.

RAI