Newcomers, set your goals

[sully]

Thanks JJ
The advice to use the 'I will....' is great! I will have to revisit my goals and use that.

[mj3423]

^

[LisaZ]

First Priority Goals:
1. I want my husband to miss me!
2. I want him to feel Comfortable being in the same room with me.
3. I want H to look me in the eyes when he talks to me....STOP avoiding eye cantact altogether.
4. Want H to be concerned and iterested in my well being...not just the kids.
LisaZ

[jwhetnc]

I am guilty of smothering and controlling my W, and she had repeatedly requested time and space. After a few months of my not giving my W the time and space she needed, she moved out last weekend in order to give us both a break.

So my goals are now:

1- Back off and give W time to think. This means no unecessary phone calls. If she calls me, then no "M" talk.

2- As a result of my backing off, I hope that W will eventually call me just to see how I'm doing.

3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.

4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.

5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood.

6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient.

7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me.

7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted.

8- W will show interest in doing things here at home.

9- W will want to come home.

[Jamesjohn]

I LIKE it, jw!

Small, doable, positive, action-oriented steps!

As time goes on, you'll see how you can break some of these things down even smaller, and will more easily see where you're making progress.

Good job!

Does anyone else see where they can break their goals down just a bit more?!

[jwhetnc]

Thanks JJ! I guess right now I'm trying to take it one step at a time. I'm on the first step - time and space. I figure I will focus on that until I get to step 2.

Here's an interesting note: I've been out of town on business this week (and kept my cell phone off), so this week went well. Funny thing, as soon as I got in the car to head back home today I turned on my cell phone, and 10 minutes later my W called me about some small matter. Then, later this afternoon while I was seeing my C, W called again and left a message on my phone saying I didn't need to call her back - she just wanted to tell me something minor. I don't want to read too much into it, but I find it interesting that she appears to be finding excuses to call me. (at least I hope that is the case)

[3K451]

J, that is great!

Been thinking about this thread myself.

1. I will be more patient. I know I can be "Pushy" when it comes to making a decision... making it look like I want a certain outcome, when in reality I just want a problem "solved." As a result, I hope that my H can work with me on practical matters in a peaceful manner to make a win-win outcome.

2. I will not let my temper get me into trouble! Hopefully, my H will take the hint and won't argue in response so we can have a peaceful discussion.

3. I will end OW discussions (although I won't stop learning about her... need to rip a page or two out of her strategy book, but not steal the whole novel ). That way, H doesn't feel berated (I intensely dislike her).

4. I will try to be "darker" to H. Difficult to do with kids, house, etc., but I think I can do this by listing problems that need discussion and then waiting to discuss, phone, email about them once every couple of days, rather than the round of emails, phone calls, etc. we go through. That way, H won't see me as "mommy" or the "responsible" one every day.

5. Continue to work on myself slowly as well... update the wardrobe, the look, the attitude. Market myself against OW . Maybe this way, if the D train doesn't get rolling, H can see me in new eyes and want to spend more time around me!

[jwhetnc]

Hey BK - have you been reading the "7 habits" book? They talk about Win-Win in there.

[3K451]

Not yet. Had my nose buried in technical stuff for work. Whadda geek I am. Will run to library this weekend.

I've got to knock off this geek/mommy thing!!!!

[fyredude]

I don't know if these would be goals or just signs that I would like to see, anyway.

1. W would call just to ask me how I am doing or feeling.
2. W would come over to see me even if under a pretense of working out details of divorce.
3. W would ask to do something together.
4. W would show signs of wanting to slow down or rethink divorce action.

fyre