Newcomers, set your goals

[mj3423]

ok - here are mine:

1. i'd like my wife and i to be able to spend some quality time together, either having dinner together, going for a walk, etc. - without her feeling smothered.

2. i'd like to be able to spend waking hours together in our apartment without there being tension or things being uncomfortable.

3. for my wife to feel comfortable enough to express that she sees that our relationship is getting better and/or that she has had doubts about the D

4. i'd like, before i move out (prob. less than 30 days), for my wife to express a desire to put the D-process on hold and re-assess the situation.

comments? Michele, would love you to weigh in.

[sully]

I have just a few goals right now:

1)have W feel like we are a family again.

2)W will want to have an outing with just me and her without feeling smothered.

3)Make my relationship with my son better than it is.

4)W to see that i have changed and changing.

[LJNC]

what are the solutions to maybe seeing some of those goals come about? What do you need to do?

[Chrissa]

Sully, thank you, I needed to hear that "Don't ever give up."

I'm not a newcomer, I've been here for several months. My sitch has changed, so it is time for new goals.

1) Move out of "our" house into a wonderful, comfortable new place, with lots of light and openness. (I am giving the house back to H)
2) Get past my own personal drama and histrionics, and accept the D with dignity. I will do nothing to encourage it or move it along, but I will not fight. This does not mean entirely giving up hope, but rather means that I will put it away on a shelf for now, and stop looking for the mixed messages.
3) Remain close friends with H, with frequent warm, friendly communication and occasional in-person visits.
4) Forgive H, OW, and most important, myself.

[serenity sarah]

I would like H to want to give the M another try. I have moved out, so I would like him to ask me to move back in to the house and to give the M another shot with the commitment to learn to love one another again.

To do this he needs to:
1- Feel loved by me.
2- Feel adored by me.
3- Know that the times I disagree with him, I still respect his opinion.

These goals are very much about how he felt about the M, but he needs to want to try the M again. Afterwards, there are a lot of goals from there about how to make the M more loving, but first he has to want to try again. So what can I do to make myself more attractive to him? My goals are:
1- To develop my career. To get another job like the one I have, but with higher pay.
2- To be a wonderful mother. To build a nurturing relationship with my boys.
3- To pursue hobbies and outside interests that bring joy to my life.
4- To exude happiness. Enjoy life. To be the best "Sarah" there is.
Sarah

[Kenu]

Ok, Here are my goals that I wrote down when I began reading DR, please tell me if they're not specific enough. I figured I needed to revisit these or get input from others.

1). W will agree to return to counseling together (currently I'm going alone).
2). W will plan a date for just the 2 of us (no kids)
3). W will agree to work on relationship (is this the same as 1).

Not sure if these are action-oriented or not. Should I break them down and be more specific?

Kenu

[lostlove]

goals,
1. to have h ask to take me out of the house without kids. (before the football game)
2. to have h ask to come over on a non-scheduled night
3. to not cry when h tells me he loves me
4. to have h move back home by christmas
5. to actually read the books for my book club
6. to keep living my life for me but with him
7. to attempt to "detach" from this bb
8. to get son potty trained (stubborn little taurus)
9. to do more decorating of the house
10.to laugh more with h (he's crackin me up lately)
11. to get some sleep
LL a success story in the making!!

[Kenu]

8. to get son potty trained (stubborn little taurus)

I just wanted to let you know I got a kick out of this one! Our 4yo S is potty trained in-as-much he doesn't pee his pants when awake but goes in his be every night. If I have to wash another sheet......arg.

Good luck on this and all your other goals!

[Jamesjohn]

mj3423-

"1. i'd like my wife and i to be able to spend some quality time together, either having dinner together, going for a walk, etc. - without her feeling smothered."

What things can YOU do that might help her not feel smothered?

"2. i'd like to be able to spend waking hours together in our apartment without there being tension or things being uncomfortable."

What things can YOU do to ease some tensions, and to help make things be more comfortable?

Goals are more achievable when you can break them down into things that YOU can do, that are action-oriented on YOUR part.

I've found that it helps when you begin your goal statements with "I will..."

I think that if you work on your first two goals, the second two will fall into place a little easier.

[mj3423]

thanks JJ- i will think about that, and you are right. Good tip on the "I will...s"