Brief overview: I am 44 my W is 39 no children. M 16yrs bomb was dropped in August of 2003. W moved out January 18, 2004. My other threads are One , Two , Three if you want to read any details.
I have not heard from my W since July so I am not sure what she is doing or where she is so there isn't a lot to say about our R at this point. The reason I am starting this thread is mostly to journal but feel free to comment if you want.
Tuesday night I talked to one of the elders of my church and he suggested that it is time that I bring the church into my sitch according to Matthew 18:15-21.
This passage states that if someone does something wrong to you to confront them. If they refuse to talk about their wrong to then bring 2 or 3 people with you to talk to the person. Then if that person still does not want to admit the wrong or talk about the sitch or does not seek forgiveness then to get the church involved.
While my W and I have talked about our R from time to time we have not dealt with it deep enough to resolve it one way or another. On October 5th I sent a letter to my W to tell her that we need to talk about our M so far there has been no response. THe next step would be to take people with me to talk to her but since my W is not talking to me I am not sure how this next step would be accomplished.
In any case if the matter is brought before the church (meaning the board of elders and pastor) and my W is still resistant to resolving our M then she may be excommunicated from the church. Then I suppose that the D will take place sometime after that but that decision will have to wait until the time comes.
I have to go through this process because God has set it up this way. Matthew 18:15-21 is what we are supposed to do not a suggestion of what we should do. Another thing is that I am not running off getting the D on my own (if it comes to that) but that I am involving a third party which is more committed to God's word than to what I want or don't want to happen.
What I do want to happen is that my W and I reconcile and rebuild our M. Unfortunately it does not seem that this is what my W wants so we need to come to some resolution of the problem and it is best that I do not do this alone.
Is she still attending the same church? Do you see her ar all? Just curious.
You mentioned you talk about the R from time to time and then sent the letter. Before going to the church, I would think you want to do a face to face to set up a time to talk about the R. Tell her the things you did in the letter, specifically the things you want to talk about.
She'll probably still avoid the issue but at least you would have given her the chance to deal with you directly.
I'll keep you in prayer.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Does anyone know where she is? What about her family and friends? She is probably going through a MLC. Was there an affair? Was she stressed out about work? Or not having kids? Just out of curiosity what church do you belong to? It sounds like the one I belong to. We too, have to take two or three people to talk to someone. Have you ever read the book "How to Save Your Marriage Alone"? It is Biblically based and has really been helpful to me. I have forgiven my H for his infidelity even though he says he doesn't want to be forgiven, and it wasn't wrong. I am waiting for God to show him how wrong he is. Good Luck to you. L
Quote: Is she still attending the same church? Do you see her ar all? Just curious.
No she is not. My W stopped attending our church while we were still together and as far as I know she does not attend any church.
The church (PCA denomination) we attended before moving to PA is in the same denommination I am in now. It is my understanding that our membership would transfer automatically after a year. Since my W attended the church I am currently going to she is still considered a member as she has not requested to be taken off the rolls. Since this is the case my church can be brought into the situation as proscribed by Matthew 18.
Quote: Before going to the church, I would think you want to do a face to face to set up a time to talk about the R.
That is why I recently sent a letter (actually the second in about 5 months) to my W stating that we need to talk our our R. I very much would like to talk to my W but so far that has not happened. The next step I will be taking is that I will call her. Then if she does not want to talk I will have to figure out what to do then because the next step according to Matthew 18 is to take 2 or 3 people with me but I do not see how that is going to happen. After that it would be to go to the church.
I am not looking forward to this step but it may be necessary. The goal of bringing the church in is to reconcile to bring healing to the R. The R need not end in my W being excommunicated.
Just recently a couple in my church went through the same process and just as the process for excommunication was going to start the R took a turn for the better. They have a long way to go but they are working on their M rather than ending it.
I am approaching this sitch as carefully and prayerfully as I can. I had thought by now that I would be divorced but that hasn't happened and now my W hasn't talked to me since July and the sitch just can't be ignored in hopes it would resolve itself.
I realized sometime ago that during the time my W and I were together we never resolved anything especially the important issues in our M. I couldn't handle confrontation and just thought the problem would go away. Now it seems I have to take responsibilty for a problem that isn't going to go away.
As always C2H I value your advice and your prayers. Thank you.
I have her address and as far as I know she still lives there. Her job requires her to be in different locations so I sm not sure where she would be now although I knew where she was in July but that was then. I also have her cell phone number so long as she has not changed it. I haven't talked to anyone in her family for about 2 years friends even longer.
My W could be going through a MLC but most of the problems in our M (at least for the last 4-5 years before she left) were a result of the way I treated my W and was why she left.
Quote: Just out of curiosity what church do you belong to?
Presbyterian Church in America.
Quote: he says he doesn't want to be forgiven, and it wasn't wrong. I am waiting for God to show him how wrong he is.
He can't escape reality just by saying it isn't so. You are right. If your H is going to change his view on what he did it will take God opening his eyes to the sins he has committed.
Quote: I am approaching this sitch as carefully and prayerfully as I can. I had thought by now that I would be divorced but that hasn't happened and now my W hasn't talked to me since July and the sitch just can't be ignored in hopes it would resolve itself.
Well, approaching her again and with witnesses is definitely a 180.
As I was contemplating approaching my W about something (before the D was final), I spoke with an elder and was indicating my concern about W’s reaction. To paraphrase, the response was something like, “you can’t be worried about how she feels or what her reaction might be, what does the Bible tell you to do?”
I knew the answer and did what I needed to do. Her reaction was as expected but I knew I had done the right thing. In the end, it didn’t change anything one way or the other but it made her more accountable to the Lord and I knew that I had been obedient to the Lord.
You and I both had women we preferred to not enter into confrontation with during our marriages but as they have disregarded their vows, these efforts to do the uncomfortable things that we know are right are good exercises for us to go through.
The other thought I had about reaching out or attempting to help (Christian) WAS’s see things from a biblical perspective is that we are commanded to reach out to those who stray from the faith. Now, if your W is simply attending another church, it is right to be lovingly corrected with the truth of the scriptures. If she has simply walked away from her faith, this attempt to reach out to her is like the parable of the Shepard leaving the 99 sheep in the flock to seek out the lost one.
Trying to stand in your shoes, I might be thinking this would only anger her towards me but very, very few desire correction but you do her a disservice if you ignore doing what is right.
To take a secular view, I enjoy hearing Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the radio because she is so blunt. If you were to call and describe your situation, she might just say, “Do what you have to do because your W has demonstrated by her actions that she does not want to be married.”
I would be hard to hear but it has to be said and, more importantly, it has to be heard (or read) by you. As you read my recent post about taking off my wedding ring, my brother in the church had to tell me I needed to take it off and I needed to hear it. Though it has been less than a week since I took my ring off, I look at my situation more soberly and this is healthy in my efforts to move forward.
I continue to keep you in prayer, especially over this situation.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Quote: You and I both had women we preferred to not enter into confrontation with during our marriages but as they have disregarded their vows, these efforts to do the uncomfortable things that we know are right are good exercises for us to go through.
I agree with you 100 percent. I read a book on a Biblical approach to conflict. It's title is Peacemaker and I recommend it to anyone that has a problem with resolving conflicts.
Quote: Trying to stand in your shoes, I might be thinking this would only anger her towards me but very, very few desire correction but you do her a disservice if you ignore doing what is right.
I don't know if my W will be angry or indifferent. Either reaction would be bad though.
Going through the steps outlined in Matthew 18 is my commitment to the Lord and His word. Getting the church involved is just as much for my W as it is for me and by not doing so would mean that I do not value our M or her. God disciplines us for our good and because He loves us. And if I love my W I have to do the right thing even though it may be tough to do.
Quote: "Do what you have to do because your W has demonstrated by her actions that she does not want to be married."
It would be hard to hear but it has to be said and, more importantly, it has to be heard (or read) by you.
I have come to this realization over the past few months and even though it is hard hear or read it is true as far as I can tell.
I have told my W on more than a few occasions that I would not fight her on getting the D and I have kept my word. We have split up just about everything with the exception of some finances. After 2 years in PA you do not even need to get the spouse involved to get the D. Just some minor legal obstacles to overcome and you're done. So the question remains, why are we still married? I have no answers other than if the D takes place it will be in God's time.
Thanks for the prayers I need them. May God bless you C2H and have a good weekend.
I am still hurting and still would be obedient to the Lord to reconcile if there was true repentance accompanied by the required change in her behavior and real accountability to godly women. I am willing to be receptive mainly because of the kids but also because I know the Lord brought us together and that He would direct me to forgive her.
HOWEVER, things just don’t look like they will go in that direction as he moves deeper and deeper into her relationship (sin) with OM. As I realize this, God has brought brothers along side me to comfort and encourage me as well as to hold me accountable. I have been willing to be transparent and the Lord has done his part to reveal what I needed to see and to bring forward the right guys at just he right time. It seems like we are going in opposite directions with respect to our Christian walk. I daily have more and more peace knowing that I am seeking to do what the Word instructs me to do.
As I mentioned above, do what the Word instructs you to do. Grow, grow and grow some more in the Lord. Continue with the “work on you” approach. You have confessed that you recognize you contributed to the marital problems. Keep seeking the Lord’s help in changing those things in you so that IF the miracle occurs and you reconcile, those problems will not resurface. Most of all, seek the Lord’s face.
“Father, be with d_o_c as he seeks to be obedient in reaching out to your daughter, his wife. Bind the enemy who is seeking to devour every marriage, especially those between your children. Minister to your child in his pain and strengthen him day by day.”
Quote: 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. 6 Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
I am sorry that you are still hurting. I actually wouldn't expect you to be otherwise. Just to know what splitting up does to a person is to know that the pain does not leave us quickly. And to have kids I would think it is more difficult to watch them go through their own suffering. I pray that Jesus will provide you with peace, strength, and comfort during this difficult time in your life.
Quote: I have been willing to be transparent...
This is the best way to be, open and honest about what you are going through. It helps those who want to help you and it prevents you from building up walls that could bring harm in other areas of your life. Being transparent also gives the Lord an opportunity to work in your life and to use you to glorify His name. For what it is worth C2H I think you are doing the right thing the best you can with the help of the Lord. Right now that is all you need to have the healing begin in your life.
Quote: You have confessed that you recognize you contributed to the marital problems. Keep seeking the Lord’s help in changing those things in you so that IF the miracle occurs and you reconcile, those problems will not resurface. Most of all, seek the Lord’s face.
Good advice and I have been trying to work on me with the Lord's guidance. I know that changing the things that harmed my M will help if my W does return but also it can help me in my relationships with others.
I try to keep in mind that God uses the difficult and painful things in our lives to help conform us to His image and to minister to others. These are the things I try to keep in mind but I do stumble more often than not it seems. But I trust that the Lord will bring me through just like He brought the Israelites through the wilderness and just as He restored Job's life I know He will restore mine.
On a different note I have decided to call my W on Monday to see if I can arrange for us to talk about our R. This will be a continuation of the first step in Matthew 18 to confront my W about our R.
By confront I do not mean to fight or battle her but to bring to the forefront of our lives the current situation that our M is in and to disucuss it as lovingly and respectfully as possible. This sitch will not resolve itself. Divorce or reconciliation will not take place unless we are willing to talk. Since I have sent 2 letters (1 in June & 1 in October) about the need to talk about our M without hearing from her I feel that calling her is my only option at this point.
Please pray that God would open my W's heart to be willing to talk and to help me love and understand my W to the best of my abilities and to be guided by the Holy Spirit in my actions when talking to my W.
Thanks for the prayers C2H. I continue to pray for you and your family. Take care and God bless.
doc, praying for you- this is a big step and my sense is that pursuing an active solution (calling) vesus a passive one (more letters) is a big step for you. To me, it is similar to finally taking my ring off- something that needed to be done but inside, I didn't want to do it.
Bless you,
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
