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Thanks so much Sg. You rock!! America's Next Top Model??!!
Thanks for your confidence in me.
Tonight I went out with my girlfriend to a restuarant and the owner who was a very nice gentleman began telling us of his cousin's brutal D. I felt so bad for the guy. A part of me really wants to be a marriage-saving couple's therapist. I feel so grateful to Michele and everyone here doing this work and it's so important.
We live in a society that is broken. More and more single mothers and children who don't spend time with their fathers. It totally sucks. This is not good for us and our future.
Anyway, my girlfriend and I had such a good time. We went to Brooks Pharmacy after dinner and just cracked ourselves up over simple, silly girly things because we were both a little tipsy!
Loc: North Carolina
Rainbow, Just been reading through your thread. Wow. Alot of intensity here in your story. A couple of thoughts of mine, not that they are necessarily worth anything.
As someone who has been married for 21 years and is now faced with a W who has decided that divorce is the only option for her happiness, I have a natural bias that causes me to be skeptical about those who seem to move on too quickly after a previous relationship. I wasn't around here to know what your first R sitch was all about, but I get that your H had an affair and this led to divorce. You fought for months, eventually conceded defeat due to forces working against you.
My problem with your current sitch starts with the speed with which you latched on to your JG. The whole "soulmate" deal reeks of rebound to me. You're the psychology student, right? I've read plenty in the past months and I'm pretty sure the prevalent advice is that a good year post R is reasonable before deciding that you've met the new love of your life.
My second concern is that you have been all over JG. I'll be honest and say that I would be extremely uncomfortable if it were me you were pursuing like this. In one moment you talk about giving him space, then you post a succession of 4 length emails that you fire off to him, one right after the other.
You have been doing some therapy for yourself and I applaud you for that. You've been doing lots of introspection too and I think that's great, especially with some of your childhood issues that you've shared. May I humbly suggest that maybe the best course of action right now is to let JG know one final time that you definitely desire a relationship with him, that you're grieved over the mistakes you made early on, and that you're taking some time to deal with some of your own issues that you hope will eventually make it possible for the two of you to be together one day. Then leave the man alone. Really. Alone. For good.
Let him be the one to contact you, and when he does, don't jump back in to smother mode. Let him say his peace, reaffirm your feelings and your desire to find some personal peace and happiness, and maybe your happiness at hearing from him. Then let him go again. Really. Let him go.
I just get this overwhelming sense of urgency in you to make something happen now. And it's clear from his responses, at least to me, that he's not ready for that. But it's also clear to me that he COULD be ready for that at some point. The fact that he felt so hurt by you, and still will communicate and see you speaks volumes to me. But you HAVE to 1) give him his space to recover and 2) get your self in order. If you can't be happy with yourself, alone, you're not ready to be happy with him.
To me that's what letting go and detaching is all about. And I know it's hard, it's a killer for me. I'm still struggling with it. But I don't have a W who is interested in seeing or talking to me, so I guess that makes it a bit easier for me.
Anyway, that's my feelings. Of course feel free to disregard them because one thing I know for sure is that there's not a whole lot that I know for sure. Know what I mean?
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I think that A LOT of what you say has merit. I agree that JG needs loads of space right now. He's clearly stated that to me. And it's good that he's healthy enough to ask for it and take it. I'm not sure about the "going dark forever" part though.
SG: It would be nice if you could comment on the stich based on what B has said regarding the dark/no dark period. Right now the plan was to go dark for 3 weeks straight. So far, it's been 10 days.
NOTE: In the past, I've gone dark for 2.5 weeks and then JG was the one who broke contact. (He needed a ride to the train station, so he called me.)
(Another minor point, the last time we spoke he revealed to me that he hadn't told one of his best friends anything about us. I asked why and he goes, "Because I didn't want him to ask me, 'when are you getting back together with rainbow, etc?' That proves to me that at the back of his mind, the reconciliation is emminent, it's just a matter of when. Also, he implied that this is the message he conveyed to his family too.)
Regarding the stuff about my M with exH. I'm completely or almost completely healed from it. We're friends. I bump into him often. And we always had a great R/bond all through the D and everything. We were never not talking or fighting. It was a gradual, loving decline of the M.
We didn't D because of his A. We ultimately D because he didn't want children. He changed his mind on that issue.
Also, I was the one who FINALLY ended it because some events unrelated to me happened within HIS family that made me have this HUGE revelation that I didn't want to have children with him or his family. (Family is very important to me. JG's family loves me and I love them!) This was in the end a irreconcilable issue. The straw that broke the camel's back.
JG was not rebound at all. I resisted dating him for a few months. But our connection was too strong and we kept bumping into each other on the bus and train, etc as we're neighbours and have mutual friends.
We are very much alike. It's uncanny. We can talk forever! My exH and I while we were very happy and made each other laugh a lot and had some amazingly wonderful times, but our values deep down weren't similar. We didn't look at life in the same way. And he was physically abused by his mother that I didn't realize prior to marrying him that made him rather unhealthy. But he's a good man and I love him still (in a affectionate way) and want him to be happy. And hopefully, we will always keep in touch and be in each other's lives.
I've only met a guy like JG one other time in my life. When I was 18. I had this amazing connection with this guy who was my friend...(so unfortunately, nothing happened there! And then I moved.)
I don't want to jump into a full blown R with JG when we recoincile. Please understand this. And this is something that is going to be hard for me, but knowing that I'm working on myself, I would only want to see him once a week for about a couple months maybe and then progress to something more.
The MAIN REASON I was in such bad shape for a R with JG WAS because I hadn't FULLY healed from my M and exH's betrayal. So NO, contrary to Bowrls comments that I moved on too quickly. In actuality, I didn't. I should have taken time to heal myself BEFORE getting involved with JG.
Related to how much time it takes to heal post D, psychology is not an exact science. While it might take some several years to heal, for some it can take a year or two. It took me 1.5 years. Soon, it'll be 2 years since H and I seperated and made up our minds to D (mutually!).
I'm sorry B that your wife of so many years has seemingly moved on so quickly. But remember that women plan Ds for years before they finally take action. She has probably been moving on without you and away from your M for years. Trust me, I have a ton of older female friends. They make elaborate plans to D before they actually confront the H and make a break.
Timeframes are not exact...ever. In fact, there is no onesize fits all rule for any of this. Just generalities, that seem to work more often than not.
I told you 3 weeks, because like Bworl says, you're all over it. Does that mean you absolutely have to wait for him to contact you? No. If he doesn't call, test the waters in 3 weeks.
If he does call...like Bworl says, don't be all over him. Back off. Better to not even answer and let him have to call you another time or two.
But...can you do that. You can...but you may need to work up to it.
Healing time. I'd bet Rainbow, that you're a fast healer. I think you do everything fast and well. You'll do this well, too, I know it.
That said...JG isn't as fast as you. HE probably needs the time and space to feel the urge for you. Guys in general are different that way. I have read that it can take a guy 8-12 weeks to remember that he misses you. That completely drives me bonkers. With 'Y' the guy I came to the board for..I went pitch black 9 weeks. Then I tested the waters. It would have taken longer for him to call me...but he would have...because he does still now every few months. If you completely forgot about him, he'd probably come begging. You don't have to do that, though...just press reset. You've got spark and spunk He won't be able to resist you. He'll call.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
(Note: It's much easier for me to look at another person's situation objectively than my own. Go figure...)
quoting SG ---------
If you completely forgot about him, he'd probably come begging.
So why shouldn't I go completely dark indefinitely then? Right now, since I'm on a roll with not contacting him, it's definitely getting easier by the day to keep going. I was telling my best friend last night that once I go several days without contact, it just gets easier to go longer.
(I think it's the contact, then his withdrawal that gets me off course from detaching. I'd like to think I'm learning my lessons though.)
So if I do make a casual call in 3 weeks or 13 days from now (that would be 3.5 weeks), what would be the goal of that call? And why not wait for him to freak out and come back begging?
DBing is hard. But like I read on one of the Wise Advice from Veterans thread, pouring my energy into myself keeps me more upbeat than anything else.
Thanks SG for having me as one of your favorites!!
I might just keep going dark for now then. It's been 4 months and it's always been the push-pull thing. The first month, I DBed my ass off and just called him once a week, totally detached, no R talks at all. It WAS working in that he'd be eager to talk to me and would say thinks like, "I've been reading this book and have been dying to ask you all these questions." Also, he'd make future statements that included me like, "You'll see when you meet him...etc."
Then I picked up my stuff from his place and that led him to call me 3 times that day. Then that led to 2 conversations and me pursuing a bit, but also to us having coffee twice. After the second time, he sent a message with our mutual friend that he wasn't ready for a R.
Then I went dark for 2.5 weeks. He called first. Then he dropped off my birthday present. Then my email, then I called to pick up my book. Then his email saying he was badly hurt. Then my over-the-top pursuing behaviors with the roses and the gifts and the emails, phone calls. Then he withdrew completely. Then I went over and had those part one and two conversations. Withdrawal again and that's where we are NOW!
So he knows where I stand. He just needs to get there on his own. Thank goodness I have friends and things to keep me busy. But it's still a roller-coaster nevertheless. Posting here helps immensely though.
Also, another 180 in my own personal life is that I've stopped telling every tom, dick and harry about my stich and asking for an opinion. I've decided to just share over here, with my therapist and my best friend. No one else. That's keeping me centered too.