Have read your books and began my mission of DBing a little over 2 months ago. My H and I are not separated but were very close to it about 4 months ago. No A's that I am aware of. I have seen improvements in the way he has been controling his temper and our fighting has gotten to be alot less. I have changed in a way where I refuse to let him push my buttons and I'm not fighting back with him anymore.
Even though things have calmed down considerably, I still feel like I am on the verge of becoming a WAW.
My question is - how do I get him to understand that I have wants and needs too? H has a really hard time doing anything for me - especially if it's something specific that he knows I want. If I ask - he refuses and takes offense that I even would ask for something I want. and if I don't ask - it's not going to happen either. So to avoid more conflict and rejection, I've stopped asking him for anything. He seems to be happy with this because he doesn't have to do anything and he knows I'm not going to say anything about it. However he still asks for and expects me to do for him. This feels very one-sided and unfair and I'm not at all happy with this arrangement.
We have been together for 17 years, married for 8 and there are many areas of conflict in our marriage. I have only started one thread on this BB - and that one is about our most recent money conflict. I haven't updated it in a few days - but he has finally agreed to putting things back the way they were. But as of today - he has still taken no action. And I am not really expecting him to follow through on his promise either. I have already decided that I won't bring it up again. In fact - now we're buying him a new motorcycle. So he's really in a good mood. This is the same story as always, another one of his needs met - mine - sitting on the back burner as usual. Here's that thread. http://66.111.66.234/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic&f=24&t=004876
Sorry - I don't know how to add links - but just copy and paste.
I have almost given up of ever having a happy and fulfilling marriage with this man.
Since words don't seem to work - what ACTION oriented suggestions would you have for me try in communicationg this to him?
Not as good as it used to be. Again, it's gotten to be very one-sided. It has to be his idea. If I initiate, I'll get rejected probably 90% of the time. I stopped initiating sex 2 mos ago as part of my 180 after reading your books. It really wasn't too difficult since I was tired of the rejections anyway. Now I wait for him to let me know. But his signals are hard to tell if that is what he wants. I feel like he expects me to read his mind or something. He doesn't say anything, no compliments, no physical affection, no flirting, basically ignores me and then wonders why I'm not always in the mood when he is. We're still having sex - when he wants to - but it's just not that much fun anymore.
I have a similar situation. I think shutting out is not the way to go -- but I don't know what to do myself.
Last night I stopped H after he initiatiated. Ifinally told my H that I enjoyed sex with him and it would be better if he said something romantic. H told me the next day he feels weak.
H rejects me and only approaches when he is in the mood- no preliminaries.
Thanks for the response. Pulled up this thread today to reread. Looked at my response on Friday and realized that what I wrote on this board is just complaining and 'more of the same'. Consequently - not getting the results I am looking for.
Over the last couple of months since I began to consciously apply DB techniques and deliberatly learn how to control my emotions and do some 180's in my behavior - I have noticed changes in my H's reactions towards me. Good changes. and even though I have made an effort not to ask for anything - he has made progress in trying to do for me. Baby steps. I need to remember to pay attention to those and keep positively reinforcing his efforts.
So after thinking about your response re: our sex life, decided that I would try the act 'as if' this weekend. So I acted 'as if' things were fine all along, did my own flirting w/ him, etc. and decided ahead of time that if I didn't get the the response I was hoping for, I wouldn't take it personal. in other words, I had to prepare mentally for the anticipated rejection. and guess what - we had more fun 'at home' this weekend than we've had in a long, long time.
Then H really surprised me. Household chores is another area of HUGE conflict with us. I stopped asking for help on this a long time ago - cause it just didn't do any good. and typically, since H doesn't help much around the house, the kids seems to think this is just my job too.
I started my normal Sunday cleaning routine yesterday, and lo and behold - H jumped right in and started helping. doing dishes - no less - which he hates. also got the kids helping too. the house was spotless in a few hours and we had the rest of the day to 'play around' some more. I also thanked him and let him know how much I appreciated his pitching in without my having to ask.
Maybe things are starting to turn around for us. I am feeling much more optomistic today. I'll keep reading DR and this BB to help me stay solution-focused and I'll keep watching for more baby steps.
as someone once told me - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Thanks Michele - hopefully I can post as one of your "Divorce Busted" success stories someday.
