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#81377 11/09/01 03:27 PM
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Michele Offline OP
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My workshop schedule has gotten really busy lately and it's impossible for me to respond to everyone's personal situaion. From time to time I will do what I can. However, if you have a specific question about the contents of the book, ask. Here's a letter I got recently.
************************
Dear Michelle,

I have found The Divorce Remedy to be most instructive. I immediately
re-read it when a new situation arises between my husband and I - whether
positive or negative. I continue to hope that he will eventually reconcile.

Would you have time to clarify a couple of points from the book?

1. In dealing with a spouse who won't end an affair, you advise against
pursuing, etc. Does contacting my husband regarding home maintenance,
renovation decisions and location of household work tools constitute
pursuing? He doesn't seem to mind such contact, but I'm not sure, since I
only recently realized that he has some passive aggressive traits - not
involving inefficiency in any way though. He has told me that he wanted me
to manage the work that needs to be done.

Although not ready to follow the "After the last-resort Technique", I would
like to be prepared on one point.

2. The letter you suggest writing advises telling your spouse that you love
them enough to let them go, but should that letter also indicate that there
will be no further relationship until the OP is completely out of the
picture - or is the spouse suppose to make this conclusion. The recommended
contents of the letter isn't quite clear to me based on my interpretation of
the direction on page 219.

Here are my responses:
In regards to your first question, it's unlcear to me whether your husband does or doesn't mind the tasks. On one hand, you say he doesn't mind, but on the other you mention that he's asked you to handle these tasks on your own. You first need to figure out whether he's burdened by your requests or whether he really doesn't mind doing what you've asked. That makes all the difference in the world. If you're unsure, you can try once more and see what happens. As always, the proof is in the pudding.

To your second question- Your "setting him free" letter should tell your spouse that it's clear to you that he has made a choice for the OP and that you no longer want to suspend your life waiting. Be clear that you aren't willing to share him anymore and that you have come to terms with letting him go under the circumstances. Don't tell him to stop seeing the OP, just tell him that you realized that you deserve more in your life and that you're not going to be with someone who is unfaithful. In other words, don't tell him what to do , tell him what YOU'RE going to do.Get it?

Hope this helps.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81378 11/09/01 04:42 PM
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Michele,

Sorry to hear you've been so busy - I've been hoping you'd get a chance to read some of my posts and give me your insight.

I've read DR twice and am almost finished with DB. One thing that is not covered in depth is meddling in-laws. Not just those that try to give advice - but those that purposely plan and plot to destroy a marriage. How do you deal with the lies and manipulation from people such as these?

Also, how to deal with a WAH who makes no effort to contact his child unless asked to call? It is our son that is suffering, he sticks to his "children are resilient" belief. I'm not sure how to approach him. He claims he is afraid any contact, letters, etc. I will "use against him". His family have put it in his head that I am this crazy person out to screw him over and he needs to "protect" himself. I have tried to demonstrate (I know talking does no good) by my actions that this is not so. He obtained a lawyer and filed for divorce with some nasty, unreasonable demands. I filed response myself, no lawyer. I have told him I do not want a divorce. He was quick to take the money leaving me with all the bills. I have been paying them and not going after him or requesting monetary help. I don't know what else to do. What other actions should I try? I have not seen him in 2 months and he makes no contact at all.

The whole story is too long to try to reiterate here, but hopefully some time you will find time. Everything is posted in the newcomer's section under New dilemma....

I have one other question. Any plans for a seminar in Phoenix in the future?

Thank you,

Shawn


#81379 11/16/01 06:03 PM
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Michele
I have just recently bought your book DIVORCE REMEDY and am trying to apply it's principals - but I am running out of patience and time! I just posted today for the first time on the newcomer's thread - I hope you get a chance to read my thread and comment...
Thanks again for all of your help!
Judie

#81380 11/22/01 03:47 AM
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Michele, I don't know how often you read these posts, but if you get a chance, I would appreciate if you could look at mine and give me any comments about what you think I may be doing wrong.
Happy Thanksgiving all!
Judie

#81381 11/26/01 12:57 AM
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Dear Michelle - If you get time: I just finished reading Divorce Remedy & feel somewaht hopeful for the first time since 10/00 when H starting saying how unhappy he was (after 26 yrs). He moved out 12/01 & agonized over what to do for months b/f he finally filed. Ay first he wanted us to be "friends" & keep communication alive. Every encounter proved so devastationg to me that I avoided them (while longing for them inside) and gradually we have reached the point where very rare communications are about business or more rarely yet, our 4 kids - youngest is 17. My main question is how to implement the 180 or the LR when there is virtually no contact? Our court date in 1/02 and desperation is setting in. Thank you, Tebs

#81382 11/27/01 02:03 AM
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Dear Michele:

I have read your first chapter of DR. I have been following DB principles past 3 years they work. Need information on dealing with a man who was a foster child and has no blueprint to be a husband and father any suggested readings. I followed the principles got him back. Thank-you. Now what do I do with him. Maybe this should be your next book. Let me know it you already have one. Bye


#81383 11/28/01 05:36 AM
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Loretta I love your letter. I personally would love some parenting advice from Michele. I wish she would write a parenting book, although I have tried some DB techniques on my 14 year old. Just need to be more diligent I guess. Like....what's the best way to handle disrespectful talk from a teenager? I know you say do what works...but I'm not finding taking away privileges or screaming at her working. Of course I'm not being very creative I guess. Any ideas?


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
#81384 12/10/01 11:20 PM
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Regarding teenagers and how challenging they can be....I have a daughter who is now 17, I also have a teenage son 14. what I find worked well for me is as soon as they start screaming and yelling at you or being obnoxious, CALMLY, tho I know its hard to do say, I am not talking to you like that why are you talking to me like that. Each time I have used that expression, calmly and in a very soft voice, they actually take a split second and look at me, kinda weird BUT, then they seem to lower there voice, and tell me what is on there minds. Hope it works for someone out there. Put the owness on them, they are the ones with the attiude, and screaming back at them it just what they want. dont buy into it. It took me some practice to get it, but once I did, as i said it works like a charm

#81385 12/14/01 03:06 AM
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I have a question about how to know when to distance and when to reconnect.

ALso, how to reconnect.


#81386 02/09/02 07:02 PM
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Sgctxok,
I have two teeny boppers myself. They both like to yell and they think they know everything. I like terra45s Idea. By repeating that phraze over and over again they will get sick of hearing it. I think they would find it annoying.

I like to keep humor around, so when they start arguing with me or each other I look up the staircase and pretend I am calling D and S to come downstairs (basically the two that are yelling are not my little darlings, I have sent the two yelling kids upstairs and told them to send D and S down because I dont like these two. They go upstairs and come running down, MoMMy, Mommy we love you kiss and hugs. Then we start fresh. You never know what is going to work at this age. I have always said if you cant get along with each other then you arnt going to be able to go out with your friends. I have to know that the family is looked after first.
Just my thoughts, thanks for asking.
Loretta

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