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#81170 10/01/01 08:41 PM
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Michelle,

Thank you for your advice about staying connected through sex. I guess I am feeling just a little distant from my H now because he doesn't really talk to me anymore. He smiles, he acts attracted to me but I really don't feel close to him anymore. The relationship I have with my H now is based on memory ( that seems to be fading) and based on my desire to save the marriage. So I am unsure about what I will do. But as you have said, keep the goal in mind.

How long would it be considered to be a phase if my H only sees us at his convenience? This has been going on now for 3 months with no end in sight. Just this last weekend he left town to meet who knows who and then called my son from the airport and said he was coming over to watch a football game. We had not heard from him for days (he did not tell me he was going out of town) and then he just shows up and stays for hours. For a portion of that time he fell asleep on the couch and didn't interact with any of us.

Later on that night, he suggested that we all go camping next weekend. I am so confused.


#81171 10/02/01 04:11 AM
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here's what Michele said on the post re:sex in case anyone reading this wanted to know and couldn't find it:


Okay, let me shed some light on what "Michele would say."
As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.

For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.

HAving said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.

Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.

I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."

But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. YOu have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.

Hope this helps a bit. I've devoted a section in my new book- The Divorce Remedy-available Sept. 9th- on this topic!
Michele



sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
#81172 10/02/01 04:22 AM
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witw,
If you haven't done it yet, don't give him a letter. (IT's okay if you wrote one, it's good therapy. ) Since he doesn't appreciate letters, writing another one will be more of the same.

But a short email saying just what you said in your post might be better. Then do what he suggested- move on with your life and let him worry about YOU for a change. I know it's hard, but give it a shot.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81173 10/02/01 04:26 AM
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Canadian,
Thanks for the kind feedback.

If you and your w have established goals and you're making headway, even slowly, be happy. That's a good, good sign. Be patient.

As to the anxiety, well, honestly, there's not way around that. You're human. You're a feeling person, what can you expect? It's crappy when she does that. On the other hand, you have to learn ways to relieve your anxiety. Run, exercise, talk to friends, keep yourself busy, be mysterious, do anything but sit around and be tempted to fall of the DB wagon.

Hard? Yes. Impossible? No. You can do it.

Do it. You're moving in the right direction, don't forget that.
Michele



The Divorce Buster
#81174 10/02/01 04:28 AM
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Sosorry,
I understand your confusion completely. Wait until next weekend and see if he really means what he says about going camping. If he does, it will be interesting to see how things go. Take the next few days one day at a time. See how you feel.
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#81175 10/02/01 04:29 AM
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sgctxok,

As usual, thanks for your help. You're always there when I need you!
Michele



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#81176 10/02/01 12:49 PM
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Thanks for the encouragement Michele. Appreciate it.

I do exercise. I walk & run daily, do weights every other day and yoga once a week. Have lost 45lbs since the bomb dropped. I've become Lester from American Beauty.

My anxiety levels are ten thousand times lower than they were this time last year. I do go out. And when I look after myself and become mysterious W comes after me. And then the magnetic effect takes hold. I guess I need to better understand where that fine line is between attract and repel. You bet that hurts... to be pursued and then rejected almost in the same breath.

What else can I do? Besides be more patient?



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#81177 10/03/01 04:11 AM
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Michele,

Thank you for your advice. Sgctxg-thanks for finding the advice from Michele on sex when separated. I do agree that it is a connection I would like to maintain if possible. But I want more than that. Patience.

I will find it difficult to discuss protection with my H without having an OR talk. But I must so if you have any suggestions, please offer them.


#81178 10/04/01 07:45 AM
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Hi Michele,

Thanks so much for the 'letter writing' advice. I composed a loving email to my H, apologizing again for his hurt and to lovingly let him go. I don't know if he's hearing anything at the moment. As far as he's concerned, the door is closed. If it will open again is anyone's guess.

Even though I understand the benefits of the LRT, is it likely to lead to 'out of sight, out of mind'? That seems to be an ongoing comment around the bb.

Thanks again for your advice...I truly appreciate and respect all you do for so many couples....

WITW


#81179 10/07/01 01:52 AM
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Thanks Michelle, you're right its not reconciling its just working together to be a better parenting team.
We are going to councelling to deal with parenting issues. Sometimes our son goes with his Dad; sometimes with me and then his Dad and I go together.
He has never said I wasn't a good parent. I have never said he was a bad parent either - I have stated that he needs to spend more time with his son.
I don't know if this is a good sign or nor, the "wasband" invited me to join him and our son for dinner tonight. Mind you, he had our son call and ask, so I bit the bullet and said yes that would be nice. I've also extended an invitation to him to join us for Thanksgiving Dinner on Monday (it's Thanksgiving in Canada). I won't put too much into either emotionally.
I still need to figure out what works and what doesn't and work on the 180's. Part of it is - is not being too available. The other is not being too emotional around him. I need to be happy? and more in control?
I am losing hope about reconciling and may just have to be content that we can be good parents and maybe friends.
thanks
Penny/Donna


Given a choice to stand aside or dance, I hope you always dance
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