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#81160 09/29/01 09:15 AM
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Hi Michele,

I recently finished reading Divorce Remedy, and have of course read DBing.

In your books, you touched on 'healing' from pain and betrayal within the M. Whether wrong or right, I initiated a separation from my H 1 1/2 years ago (no OM). I was feeling alone and overwhelmed with 3 1/2 yr. old twins. I felt like I was getting no support and I was extremely hurt and angry. With time, I was able to 'get back on track' and my desire to heal our M became first and foremost in my mind...My H and I were getting along wonderfully. I also did alot of work on myself and felt I had the 'tools' to reconcile. However at this time, my H was six months into a R with an OW (and still is). He does not want a D, yet doesn't 'know' if he'll ever be able to forgive me for the betrayal of the separation. I have tried being loving, supportive and a 'friend' (for 6 months) but that hasn't accomplished a thing. Your books say through a loving environment pain often lessens. Not in my case...my H is stuck in the past and doesn't seem to be taking responsibility in the least for our situation.

I am at the point I'm simply getting on with my life. I'm going to try the LRT and not initiate anything. However, I know he will see my not inviting him to family gatherings, etc.(which he is always included in), as me being immature and 'punishing' him because things are not going my way. Will this add to his feelings of betrayal, or
could this shake him up so he'll 'get it'.

I am one of those people who are afraid of making matters worse. Any advice would be much appreciated!

Thanks...
WITW


#81161 10/01/01 03:43 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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LAn,
Things do not sound bleak at all. In fact, it sounds like your wife is coming around. You have to be patient. I know that you want to be intimate, that makes perfect sense. But for now, she needs to forgive herself first. Once you have more positive times between you, it might be easier for her to forgive herself.

do family things, be nice to each other and maybe more intimate times are right around the corner.
Michele



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#81162 10/01/01 03:45 AM
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LJ,
Sounds like it might be time for you to test the waters. From time to time, risk saying or doing something you've been holding back doing. But watch the results very carefully. If he pulls back, stop immediately. If not, keep experimenting.
Go slowly.
Michele


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#81163 10/01/01 03:48 AM
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Pennyrose,
Be careful not to label what you're doing "reconciling". Instead, ask yourself what you need to do for him to consider you his good friend. What does he say you need to do to be good parents. Do those things and hope he notices. That is where you need to start.
Michele


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#81164 10/01/01 03:53 AM
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Credo,
I'm glad to hear he's being nicer to you. You know when someone is in a MLC, sometimes there's little you can do to make things better. On the other hand, there's A LOT you can do to make things worse. So, for now, maybe instead of thinking about what you've been doing right, (and you have), it might be easier to think about what you've stopped doing that you know used to backfire. People in MLC sometimes slowly start to see the world through clearer lenses and when this happens, as long as you haven't been overly reactive, they might just come your way more. Maybe that's what's happening right now. Be glad. This could be a very good sign.
Michele


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#81165 10/01/01 04:01 AM
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Sosorry,
I have written my thoughts about having a sexual relationship with a separated spouse. I don't know where the thread is exactly, but if you search for it, you might find it. The subject reads something like, "Michelle, what do you think about...."

Anyway, unless you are troubled by being intimate, I think it's a great idea as long as you protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases by using protection. I think you should have a conversation with your h about this too. But if you feel comfortable about this, being sexual leads to feeling intimate. Feeling intimate often leads to the desire to reconnect. This is especially true if sex was a problem in the past. So why give up an opportunity to be close and to trigger feelings of connection?

Again, this is strictly and individual decision and you have to feel comfortable with it yourself.

as to the rest of your situation, obviously, you can't go on forever with his coming and going as he pleases, but hopefully, this is just a passing phase. Wait and see what happens. If nothing changes, you can always set limits and offer an ultimatim. But don't do that unless you're ready to let go. Okay?
Michele



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#81166 10/01/01 04:04 AM
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Lonely@40,
Custody battles are awful, for everyone involved. See if you can get him to agree to go to a good mediator. Good mediators help resolve issues without court intervention and when they're skilled, they can sometimes help couples reunite.
Michele


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#81167 10/01/01 04:09 AM
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Dear WITW,
If you haven't already, write him a heart felt letter (The Medium is the Message). Tell him that you love him and that you understand how hurt and betrayed he felt about your decision to separate. Expand on this for a while. And then tell him that you sense his reluctance to move forward and that you've been pushing him too hard. In light of this, you have decided to let go and whatever happens, happens. You don't want to pressure him anymore. You will stop being the glue holding the two of you together. Tell him it's an act of love and that you are just going to give him the space he obviously wants right now. Then end it lovingly.

After the letter, back off big time and see what happens. Does that sound okay to you?
Michele



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#81168 10/01/01 06:10 AM
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Michele, thanks for the advice. I have written him many (hearfelt) letters and in the past, he has just rolled his eyes when he's received 'another one'. Well, it's been awhile and one more can't hurt! Perhaps I'll send it by email..better chance of it getting read I think!

We actually got into the dreaded OR conversation this evening. He told me again he doesn't 'need' a divorce, but that I should get on with my life. He also said he knows I care, but doesn't think I care 'enough'. This is the first time I've heard this. I asked what else I could do to 'prove' I love him, given he's involved with another person? He said he didn't know.

So, I should tell him again I'm sorry for his hurt and feelings of betrayal, that I'm not pushing anymore, and that I'm going to totally let go and live my life (said lovingly of course )?? I will compose a letter and wait for your reply before I send it (in case you've come up with something else after reading my reply). Thanks so much Michele...

WITW


#81169 10/01/01 06:11 PM
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Hi Michele,

Have read DB 3 times and just finished reading your new book. It's the best. Thanks for writing it.

I'm 54. W is 52. Married 34 years in November. Three children are all grown and living on their own.

Bomb dropped October 2000. Went thru the various stages. Great sex and good times from October to May/01. May is when she started seeing a therapist. It's been downhill ever since. As of August/01 W has moved downstairs. We have good moments and bad. Both seeing a therapist, although not same. W has agreed to joint counselling 3 times but each time at the last minute cancelled out. We still live in the same house.

Have now set some goals and they seem to be working. We are moving slowlee.

There is OM. When she's in contact with him my anxiety levels go way up. Have tried setting boundaries to which she agrees and then promptly breaks her word. What can I do to minimize my anxiety short of closing my eyes and ears.



IAC
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