You responded to me on my thread once in the very beggining. Unfortunately, my H went ahead with the divorce.
How do you DB after you are divorced? XH wants nothing to do with me and is now involved with OW, practically living with her. I sent Xh a nice letter last month just letting him know I was thinking of him. There was no response or comment from him.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I can't find my situation in the Divorce Remedy book. My H of 13+ years left just 3 months ago saying he was bored and needed some space. In three months he has moved in with OW, lied constantly, called me regularly, tells me he loves me and wants me to wait for him. Last week I found out that the OW is pregnant with my H's baby. He is 40 I am 53 I thought we had a good marriage. At first I thought it was MLC but now I have no idea. I'm beginning to think that God never meant for women to marry such younger men!
I moved 650 miles away to be with my 90 year old father to help him. I visit my 86 year old mother with Alzheimer's in the nursing home regularly. I've been helping with the care of my brother (64) who we just found out is dying of cancer.
My H always asks if I still love him. He asked tonight if I would consider raising his child if that could be worked out once the baby is born. He seems somewhat serious, he said tonight that I'm his soul mate in the Christian sort of covenant marriage sense. He had always said he didn't want kids and was really close with my youngest son.
Another odd thing about my H's behavior is that he couldn't understand and got angry because my brother doesn't want to see or talk to him. My family loved my husband and they have been crushed by this whole thing.
Anyway, I have grown a lot during the last 3 months and that is a good thing. I have been trying to learn to enjoy myself but the grief and sorrow are so hard to bear sometimes. I have been nice to H when he calls. Also, he has filed for a D and I should be getting some updated papers on that shortly. For a while he said he was going to stop the D but he hasn't and in my heart I feel that he won't.
My perspective is all messed up and I really do need help sorting through all of this. I haven't posted to this board in a month or so but I have been reading. I don't seem to find anyone in a similar situation. This feels pretty lonely.
Thanks,
Jodi
An Update:
Today God released me to let go of my husband because of the baby they will soon be having. This sweet child will have a hard enough time of it with it's parents. I won't be party to the deception that my husband is already involved in with his child's mother. I am sure she doesn't know that he calls me almost every day and has asked if I would consider raising this child with him.
He called tonight and I told him that it's over and not to call me any more. I told him I will sign the divorce papers he had sent to me and get them in the mail to the attorney. Now it is all in Gods capable hands.
Jodi
Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/1512:35 PM. Reason: 2 posts combined
Just wanted to let you know this doesn't re Homeworks' post. I just couldn't figure out how else to do this.
Dear Michele,
I am writing to you here because I haven't received any answers to my thread (maybe it's just too long). Sorry about the length of this one too but I can't help it, I've tried to edit to no avail.
My H left me on May 12, 6 days after telling me that he loved me but wasn't in love w me anymore ( not his soulmate, doesn't want children w me etc). Said he's been thinking about this for about 1 year but didn't tell me a thing because he didn't know how, didn't want to hurt me and the time was never right. I had no clue. I wasn't happy in the past year either and would probably have been a potential WAW. But I am committed to my marriage and would not have left w/o trying in every possible way including councilling. We have been married 3yrs (May 8) and together almost 7 (Nov 11).
This past year was not a good one. We worked very different shifts so only saw eachother weekends and this time was devoted to non fun stuff like house or tenants, with which we were having major problems. To add to this, I had constant back problems as well as anxiety attacks (due to tenant situation).
During his year of contemplation, he started taking an interest in clothes, cologne and partying. I felt like a had a teenager at home (he was constantly out with his single friends). He was also making very many much younger friends (he's 28). I felt very alone and as if he didn't want to spend time with me. He denied not wanting to spend time w me and made up excuses. In short, he lied to me for a whole year! There is no OW but I'm not sure about EA and this would be through internet chat. He also was constantly on the internet chatting w friends.
H also freaked out over children when our friends started having them. To the point where he didn't want to go see or call the people who were having them. He kept telling me things like it's fine to have children at 35 (I'm 29). He also had less of an interest in sex. I confronted this issue as well. I gave him his space to work things out and even was nice about the going out. However, I resented feeling second best (behind his friends) and having to be the mother around the house, responsible for everthing, so I nagged and got nasty and cold.
When he left he also changed jobs and dropped some close friends (especially the only married one he has). He said he wanted to be free to do what he wanted. When he left in May he wanted D and is still sticking to his guns. Says that he'd be willing to try working things out if he loved me but he doesn't so there's no point. I feel like he just got scared and ran away!
The 1st week I did all the no no's and he stayed to comfort me. Week 2, I found DR and got to work. My problem is that he's been nicer to me since the moment he told me he was leaving than he ever was this past year. It feels like we're dating. He said that last year he didn't want to spend time with me but seems happy to do so now. Is also more considerate about what I like etc.
He was extremely nice and attentive. I convinced him to go to C for me in order to understand what happened. He agreed because he doesn't want me to be depressed or to blame myself for what happened. It's like he expected me to just say OK and not think anything of it!We had 1 C meeting in the middle of June and will restart in Sept. (I was injured and had an operation in between). I learned that he is convinced that there was nothing wrong with our marriage (no major problems) and thinks I'm wonderful, kind, beautiful etc. However, I know we had problems, communication for one.
May and June he was extremely worried about me and wanted to know all I did & how I was feeling. He noticed all my 180's and didn't seem pleased. He also reminisced about the good times in our marriage a bit. His worry/ care for me is reminiscent of the worry parents have for their very 1st child in the 1st year! He didn't even want to give me the keys to the apartment in case an emergency happened and I needed him (my brother lives downstairs). However, during this time he didn't talk about himself, was uncomfortable in my presence and didn't look me in the eye. I also had to stop touching because he still wanted me to lie in his arms in bed and stuff (which he considered as just being friendly) And this from the man that didn't want to go to the movies with me in case I got the urge to cuddle.
After our 1st C session, he comforted me and we ended up in bed together (after assuring himself that this would not hurt me and after letting me know that there was still no hope for us even if he slept with me). We have been intimate ever since and through my medical ordeal he was there for me (and worried about as much as my parents). Intimacy has brought positive things such as him wanting to see me more (not only for sex), being more comfortable in my presence, talking about himself, his plans and sometimes some feelings about non OR things. However, he no longer has much interest in what I do (mind you I've been at home for 2 months now and injured). Every once and a while I get coldness and a reminder we're still through but I've noticed that this is usually the next time I see him after a particularly tender encounter.
Last week, he told me that he is now over me, called me his XW and told me he was finally happy (he told me both in May and June that now he was happy). He said it was just a matter of time until he found a girlfriend because he is now ready and is looking for a serious relationship (woman of his dreams). He also told me that he felt without a home.
Yesterday he asked me how I felt if he had a girlfriend and I said I'd been expecting it for a while (and resigned to it). I know of many women chasing after him since May (from him and spying on pager messages {I've stopped}) but there was always something wrong with them. If you have possible sexual opportunities with others, why sleep with the wife you left? He also asked me if I finally understood how he could care for me so much and yet not be in love with me. I said I didn't but had no choice about it. He still carries our wedding picture in his wallet (hidden but still there-OK I peeked!).
Should I beleive the words coming out of his mouth when his actions are the opposite? Problem is he doesn't sound like an alien when he talks and I wonder if it's possible for a person to have all those feelings and not be in love. To me it feels like it did when we were dating and in love! I'm also wondering if 1/wk is too much to see him and if he's finally happy now because I'm around a lot (when I wasn't, he kept telling me that the breakup was hard for him too and that he cries-May&June). If I don't miss him all that much until the next time I see him, I guess it's the same for him and I should back off more?? Does it sound like he's getting too comfortable??
It seems like my 180's have been working but it's hard to tell because he's been so nice since the beginning. I'm wondering if all my positives are just the natural progression of him detaching from me. I'm getting closer to him as a friend and I hope OR talk from yesterday will grow. He also told me yesterday that I should go w him and try a place he thinks is wonderful. Could this be considered including me in a future plan or does it have to be bigger?
Also, and this is it, I promise, could it mean something that he used "making love" and not "sleeping with" when he spoke about being intimate or am I reading too much into things? I just figure if you leave someone because you don't love them, you avoid using the word love.
I have hope, or else I wouldn't be here and I won't give up until the D. I guess, other than advice on where to go from here, I'd like to know that I'm not just chasing a dream. I am realistic in knowing there's a possibility he won't come back. I just really don't think he's fallen out of love with me.
Thank you so much for this website and your books, they have helped me enormously getting through these past 3.5 months. I don't know what I would have done w/o them.
My question to you, you may have already answered. My wife and I have orders of protection against each other. We had an arguement and she treatened to out an o.o.p. against me which she did. So I in turn did the same. I want to know what I should do. Should I lift mine off of her as a sign of good will opening the door for her to call me?
Steve
Hi Michele,
Going to lift the orders off of her. I feel this is the right thing to do. Hope you agree.
If you've had any experience with this sit before in you work, could you please let me know how it turned out.
Thanks Steve
Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/1512:36 PM. Reason: 2 posts combined
