Your earlier advice was to give H unexpected hugs now and then. It seems to have worked.
However, H is really unhappy with himself he's 52 and has accomplished little in the way of career. Financially we're not doing well -- I took a lower paid position so I could be close to home and see my kids. The job has retirement and benefits. (H doesn't have these). Our children are 15, 12 and 8.
H is really confused and forgetful.
I have to schedule everything. He never suggests anything for us to do. He still acts like we can't get along -- I think it's five years since he said he wanted a divorce. We still live together -- since I decided not to try to make more money to accomodate his desire for a divorce.
quote:. However, I've learned not to conclude too many positive conclusions based on improved communication. In my humble opinion, spouse's friendly approach to us during these difficult times doesn't necessarily reflects any change in their hearts. This is how I feel in my case. Despite a significant improvement in how W and I communicate, we are miles away each from other, emotionally. I feel a lot of love, and I sense almost none from her, other than that friendly attitude.
I feel I am in the situation buddy.
Together 89
W30/H36
M/Sept2000
S/Jan2001
OM involved during S
WAS has stalled on D?
Now D'd March 2004
smileysmile, here is my update. W and I are as close emotionally as ever. We broke this coldness. It took solid 3 month of a better communication, a lot of self search for both of us, a lot of changes on my part, but we are back. We still need to do a lot a lot of work, we still see a C, but we are back. Physical closensess followed emotional part, and our lovemaking is better than ever. While I am a happy camper these days, I still spend whole a lot of energy on trying understand how stupid had I been to cause this marriage to be almost over, and how we both will never let it to happen again.
Michele, I have a question about when to use the LRT. H moved out 3 months ago. Basically an explosive collision of long-term sexual problems (mine), MLC (his), and major depression (mine). Since we are living apart, by definition according to DR I should LRT. I've stopped talking about R, I've stopped trying to remind him of good times, stopped the presents, stopped telling him I miss him and love him. However, he wants to be "best friends" and seems to be pretty agreeable to my asking for dates (of course, I'm not calling them dates, just "hanging out"). He also seems to enjoy email banter, as long as I keep it light and non-serious. There is no OW, he says he is not looking yet (YET!),and up to two weeks ago we still had an intimate relationship (then he decided it would "ruin" being friends); he still wants to hug and kiss, but nothing beyond that. So do I try a "modified" LRT, or should I go dark and stop all communication and suggesting dates?
Michelle. I can't figure out how to deal with this situation in DR. Summer says to behave as if your husband is dead, but what if I might see him at a gig with OW? Please take a look at my latest thread. I would be most grateful.
I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts you have on our situation. I will try to keep my story as brief as possible.
Married for over 5 years; together for almost 10 years. Husband works away from home a lot (2 months at a time with a month home); I work full-time; no kids. We were planning to build a house this year. The separations were tough at times, but I was OK with it because he was doing something he enjoyed. He was stressed for several months about losing his job but didn't tell me. He blew up unexpectedly and dropped 'the bomb' in November over the phone during a discussion that apparently he didn't want to have about a job change he was considering.
Since then he has blown off his family and friends - very rarely talked with his dad but that has stopped too. Our family was as shocked as I was about all of this.
He has someone else handling his bills because he's away and had his address changed to their address. He very rarely has sent any money but has when I've asked.
We have no separation agreement or divorce papers. He offered to let me keep everything we own, but I said politely said no and that he would need to move his things on his own - he hasn't moved anything out of our apartment since this started. I had started DBing by this point, by the way.
I am confident that he is not seeing anyone else. He's been spending a lot of money over the past few months, and has been drinking a lot. He basically stays away from people who might confront his behavior.
I started DBing in January - I've read both Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy several times. That DID help put a halt to or at least stall divorce discussions because I changed how I reacted to him.
I haven't seen him now since mid-March - for about an hour - things went better during that visit than in the past. I've only seen him now in person about 3-4 times since January.
I haven't talked with him since mid-May. I never hear from H unless I leave him a voice mail specifically ask him to call me back. He never calls me on his own.
I worry that he is going to continue this behavior for a very long time - he might be one who never comes out of it. He has some communication problems and some past emotional troubles that might make it harder for him to recover.
I've never really been able to figure out whether I was the pursuer in our relationship, so I'm not sure if my 'going dark' is the right thing to do. I haven't tried to contact him in any way since mid-May or early June.
Two family members tried contacting him a few times last week and he never returned their calls.
Because I never see him or speak with him, I'm not sure if what I've been doing is helping matters or not.
I sent him a birthday card and left him a voice mail, but he ignored my birthday. He hasn't acknowledged any special days for his dad or step-mom either.
Prior to this situation, we were best friends and even agreed that we had a really good marriage. Over the past year or so, we had some added stress and started fighting a bit, but I never would have thought a divorce could come of it. The problems just weren't that serious. I've considered that his job stress may have made him question a lot in his life and his reaction was to run away. In fact, I think that some of the stress leading to this was due to his somewhat odd behavior - which I now believe was job stress - and my poor reaction to his behavior changes.
Three short questions:
1. How can I determine whether I've been the pursuer or not? I understand that what matters is HIS perception of that anyway.
2. Do you see any hope for this situation?
3. Any advice for those trying to DB when there is virtually no contact with your spouse?
Thank you in advance, Michelle. I know that you're very busy, but we had a rather unique relationship to begin with and it might take some unique actions.
Michele, H has separated from me after 3-4 years unhappiness. He has collected so much bitterness over time and stored it. H now has reached apathy and tells me he likes me but doesn't love me anymore. Is it really possible for this bitteerness to fade or disappear. So far I have read Db and Dr and am implementing them. No OW etc. Do you have any suggestions on methods directed at this problem. He blames me for so many things .
Question: My H has moved out, so I am in the process of doing LRT. Some things that would be 180s for me seem to conflict with LRT (such as: showing more affection, initiating sex, etc). How do I sort this out?
Michelle, I have read alot on this board about WAWs and their causes and justifications. I look back on my relationship and see many things I could and should change in my behavior (I'm working on them now), but I can see just as many things I wish my wife would change. The difference is, I would never consider walking off from my marriage. Why can some people overlook the negative aspects of a relationship while others dwell on them. Is there any particular personality type that is prone to be a WAS?
Hi Michelle, After 8 months of C my W finally came clean and said she has been living in fear of me. I have become an angry person over the last 5 years, and I didn't even know it. Partly because of my wife but mostly because of me. She told me she is tired of feelinf that tenseness when I become angry at anything. She wants a D and has told her family and two close friends. She has conquered a lot of her demons through C, her sisters death to cancer, being so far from her family and a host of other things. I find it odd, that she is still in the house, still sleeping in our bed, and still wears her wedding band. She has told me we can never be more than friends, and she doesn't want to hurt me. She also said that in the past she used sex to manipulate situations where I might become angry. That is hard to hear because in the same breathe she said she hated having sex with me but once she was in the mood it was very satisfying. So the sex thing is a big block for her, and something we have yet to talk about in therapy. I doubt whether we will because I am going alone now for my anger and my wife has indicated that she canot go with me because she feels like she will be doing more of the same which was trying to controll me. That is what she saw as her job in this marriage as a manager of me. I know that is a lot to comprehend, but deep down I know my wife is not sure about anything right now. Do you think she is still here becuase she is waiting to see how things play out?
