Hi Michele, I would like to let you know that I’m still reading your new book “Divorce remedy” I will read chapter 6 today (step number 5 Experiment and Monitor Results).
The example that you give at the end of chapter 5 regarding Garth with his wife fits me very well during my wife’s affair. The thought of losing my wife made me pursue her more and more. Despite she said to me that she didn’t want to receive anything from me any more related to love, I still continued to buy her card, flowers and gift for her birthday, our anniversary, valentine’s day or for no reason at all. I finally realized that it didn’t work that way and besides she returned the valentine card that I gave to her last February unopened. I have not given my wife anything related to love since. I mean no card, no flowers, no gift, no compliment.
The question I have is what should I do about it. I have tried to ask her what I want but got a response of “Leave me alone and give me time to heal. I will let you know when I am ready”. It has been 9 months since the affair was over and (I think) there hasn’t been any contact since then (she quitted her job 9 months ago because the other man works there too). But my wife still refused to work on our marriage. We still sleep in a separated bedroom (it has been for 11 years and I don’t think I will ever have a chance to sleep next to my wife again “through the night” even after there is a conciliation). That’s my long tern goal anyway. People take for granted about sleeping in the same bed with loved one, but I’m longing for that for 11 years now.
We are living like a roommate now (her call). She doesn’t want to be touched, hugged, or kissed and I have honored that request so far (it has been since I found out about her affair 19 months ago). I don’t know how to make her get off the fence and work on the marriage other than keeping waiting for her to heal or whatever that meant. I think she has already set herself into this complacency situation of just being here with me. She wants to stay marriage for just the name for the kids’ sake, her parents’ sake or for saving her face. She still wants to have the family intact and we stay together as a father and a mother to the kids, but not as a husband and a wife.
That’s my dilemma right now.
By the way I have already read the chapter on infidelity and I don’t see anything there to help with my situation. I also read your DB book.
Thank you very much for spending your time reading this.
Lan, It's good that you are reading step 5 because that's exactly what you need to be doing. Besides chasing her with cards and flowers and so on, and backing off completely, what else have you tried? see if you get some additional ideas in that chapter. Michele
Thank you Michele for your response and spending your valuable time reading my post. It means a lot to me.
Well, I did do some 180’s for several months but it didn’t seem to make any differences. Ever since we married, I have never gone out to a club or stayed late at night at my friends’ house or something in that nature. But during her affair, I did go out or disappear for couple nights a week and come home later than usual. I took dancing lessons and stayed late after the class to practice. My wife knew that there were lots of single women taking the lesson too. It was a free lesson once a week. My wife didn’t seem to care or maybe in her mind at that time, she had already given up both our marriage and me.
For 12 years out of 15 years of marriage, I used to do the cooking, the cleaning and the grocery shopping. I stopped doing it as part of my 180’s.
Until now I still don’t know whether her affair died a nature dead or she was so shameful or couldn’t bear to see the kids go through this whole mess that she created. She ended her physical affair 4 months after I found out, but continued her emotional affair for 6 more months until she quitted her job. Part of the reasons was because of the other man, but I still don’t know “exactly” why she still refused to work on our marriage. Whenever I raised the OR talk (which I have not done that for sometimes now), she kept telling me that she felt so dirty and unworthy to me. She also said that how could she have sex with me again since she has given her body (having sex) to the other man already. She regards sex as the most important part of being marriage. In her mind, it was a turning point of no return when she decided to have sex with the other man. She also thought that after having sex with the other man I wouldn’t want to have her back and besides she went ahead and had sex with him to just get back at me for telling her parents about her affair. Before I told her parents, she said that it was just kissing and hugging or being naked together in bed but no sex. That’s where my wife is in term of intimacy.
She is happy with everything else right now including the current arrangement of just being a roommate. She is a stay-at-home-mom for now and is in a process of looking for a new job. We are still doing family activities together and she seems to want to talk to me more than before in term of kids, household chore, home improvement, vacation, etc…except the OR talk. That’s where I’m right now in term of our daily life. As a matter of fact, we have been going places as family more than before since summer began and we have also been doing the biking and the walking in the park as a family almost everyday if the weather is good. Do you think that’s the good sign? But then where do I go from here to be in intimacy with my wife again? That's my goal.
LAN
[This message has been edited by LonelyAtNight (edited 09-18-2001).]
I do have a couple questions regarding goals and Last Resort techiques. H and I have been separated for 6 months w/the "I think we should get divorced" coming from him a month ago. I've been in a 180 for almost a year (problems w/marriage happening over 3yrs when I was a WAW) but came back. I've stopped the chase, and have continued w/my life (work, going out w/friends) and have recently become less accessible- don't answer the phone, not home when he drops off our dog. When you say, be loving (pg 130- Step 5) I don't want to tread on his toes, but I also want him to know that I appreciate some of the things he has been doing. How "cool" is staying cool here. I don't want to blow him off either if he could be trying to get closer. Any thoughts? LJ
Thanks Michele, I've got my copy of Divorce Remedy and have been reading it and pencilling in notes and highlighting things that stand out for me. I'm just not sure where to start - which step - as my husband has been gone for two years now. I've read up to Chapter 5 - Step Four. He's been very friendly lately and has offered to help with a couple of things that need fixing around the house. Where do I go from here? just keep reading? I can't ask him for anything because he's not interested in working on reconcilation. He wants us to be friends and good parents. He tends to keep me off balanced and confused. I guess I'd better keep reading because obviously I've been going down the same tunnels and still getting the same results. On to Chapter 5. Again many thanks for this site Michele. Let's hope we can bust my pending Divorce. Thanks Donna PS I haven't filed yet, and I won't not til I lose all hope. Now if HE files that's a different story.
Given a choice to stand aside or dance, I hope you always dance
I won't trouble you with too much of the my story except to say I have been on the board for over a year, my H is a MLCer and has been living with his OW now for about 18 months. I have read both your books.
My H. has recently reconnected with his teenage children, one better than the other. He was absent from our lives completely for the better part of one year. He is making baby steps in my direction. He phones about something specific than will talk generally about himself and his work. He includes me in meals out with the children, and has even taken me out on my own for lunch once.
My problem is this. I have great trouble in identifying 'doing what works'. The events of the last 18 months have shaken my confidence profoundly and I hesitate trying something new in case it is the wrong thing and I go backwards instead of forwards.
Also I seem to have a total inability to see what I am doing right now which has caused him to be more open and friendly towards me. I just can't identify it. It is almost as if I need a check list of things to try. And another check list of things of things I am might be doing right now.
Credo, Boy can I identify with your question. I too, am having a hard time identifying what I'm doing right and what to do next. I am at the point of giving up and filing just to get out of this living hell. Hang in there Penny
Given a choice to stand aside or dance, I hope you always dance
I too have been reading both DB and Divorce Remedy. My H has made baby steps but then he goes dark for awhile. We have been separated for 7 months. Sometimes he connects with my kids, age 9 and 11 and sometimes he will go a week or more without much contact. He is definitely in the no responsibility mode. He helps out financially but little else - no offers to do anything around the house or help the kids with school work etc.
I think he may be involved in internet chats and looking for a soulmate online. He found one about a year ago and that is why we separated (his decision). It was a PA too even though she lives in another state and is married with children. I don't know if he is still seeing her or not. But he is traveling to other cities too (not even OW's state in the last few months) and his cell phone bill (which I receive because my phone is on the bill too) indicates he is spending hours at a time on the phone with other women. I have not asked him about any of this.
What confuses me is that when he does come to our house, he is very much like the man I married. He can be so good with the kids and we have an intimate relationship. Lately, I have been questioning in my mind whether I want to continue the intimacy because of the possiblity of him having other sexual partners.
Since the lack of sex was a big problem in our marriage, I have felt and have enjoyed my 180 and am more interested in sex than ever before.
I would love for Michelle to comment about sex with your spouse when you see positive baby steps. We have not had an OR talk so I really don't know where he is when it comes to sexual partners. All I know is that he told me he was doing some dating and that he want us to go out on dates. (Of course, my H has not asked yet)
I feel stuck also. It is so hard to determine if there are really baby steps or is this just the natural course of letting go in a relationship. He has not filed for a divorce yet - we have really only talked about that once. But also, he does not have money to file either. He seems very content to leave things as they are which is he sees us when he wants to. And, we are the loving family when he does connect.
I've been reading this board for 8 months, I've read Divorce Busting several times and I've read Divorce Remedy. I've been divorced for 6 months now, we have no contact with one another other than the court hearings for the custody battle he started. I firmly believe that its a mid-life crisis.
He was the one that left, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", "I'm not happy", etc, He's involved with his boss from the club who has 3 children.
I have done alot of soul searching, self-improvement, starting hobbies again, doing things that I wanted to do, but could never get him to do. I can only DB when it comes to me, we have no contact. What are the chances that he would come home??
