Michele, I am so excited to have your new book. I actually skipped straight to the chapters on Infidelity and Mid Life crises first and read backwards. Like so many others here, I am living that tough choice to stay committed through these hard times while my H figures himself out. We have been separated a year this month. I found Dbing 5 months ago and it has changed my life and brought OR back from a bad place- there is more understanding, love and friendship though we are still separated!
I really like what you said in the book about trying to find out what “hold” the OP has on the WAS - but how do you do that without asking questions? My H had broken up with long distance OW 3 months ago to recommit to our marriage but then he got cold feet as the withdrawal hit. I stopped OR talks and pursuing a month ago and that is working well, he has started to open up to me lately – told me that they are not together, but still communicating and “close”. He says they have started putting up walls and closing subjects. She is embarrassed about their R- about having been with a married man. Yet she still is open to the fact that this could go either way. They were “together” (physically) again a couple of weeks ago but I don’t think it is really sex that is the threat - he and I have a really strong sexual relationship right now, which pleasantly surprises us both. And he insists that I know him better than anyone still- So how do I figure this out? Or am I trying to control it too much? I feel the balance could swing wither way any given day. I don’t ask H questions about their status or R very often, and am always respectful (which is tough) – I have respected that he needs the freedom to deal with it alone. I’m nervous about changing much right now, because I have been consistent and giving him space which is really working (I think).
Thanks for being out there to show us the way, Michele. You’ve made a big difference in my life!
Hi! This is brief update from my post of 9/5. Ex and I did go out to lunch today and it went very well, and I was able to follow my plan. Everything I listed under how I would know things are progressing, actually happened. He did mention OW a couple of times, but I said nothing and the conversation kept flowing. There were no awkward moments.My plan when we parted was to wait for him to make the next contact and I would just go onliving my life. Here is the dilema: When I got home there was an email from him stating he had nice time,etc. He then said OW still daily checks in on the Marriage Builders Forum looking for any postings from me and would I please not say anything about our lunch meeting. She found that I was posting on that forum over two yrs ago, and according to him ,looks there every day to see if I have posted.It has caused quite a bit of problems for him. He told me about this several months ago, so I no longer post anything there or respond to any postings there at his request. Obviously he will not be telling her about this lunch. How do I respond to the email, or do I? A 180 for me would be to not answer it at all, but I'm not sure if that is wise. I'm trying to ask myself what can I do next that would bring me closer to my goal, not further away, but I am kind of stumped. I've tried to find a reference point in the book to help with this.
"Goal 1 - I would like h to contact me more often just to see how I am and not just out of necessity." This is good. It's clear and specific. You need to tell yourself much more often would he ahve to contact you for you to feel he's interested in you?
"Goal 2 - I would like h to begin acting as if we still might have a future together." Needs work. What will he be doing or saying when you feel he thinks you will have a future together?
"Goal 3 - I'd like h to open up communication about us - our future - where he is at, etc." I think you're saying that you want your h to have OR talks and discuss his feelings, right? Clear, but perhaps premature. What will be the first sign he's moving in that direction?
"Goal 4 - I'd like to spend more time with him even if it were just as friends for now." Good.
"Goal 5 - I would like h to not see ow again." I certainly can understand why you feel that way but if he's not ready to cut things off completely, it may not happen on your timetable. The best thing for you to do if you haven't already is to read the chapters on infidelity and MLC. It will help you to be patient which is what you'll need to be if you want to save your marriage. Even though three months feels like an eternity to you, you may have to wait longer. Lots of folks here have waited considerably longer. I know, it's the pits, but it may be what you have to do. Michele
Db, First of all, I think 10-15% isn't a small chance of reconciliation after divorce, it's huge. And if that's your goal, go for it. I think it's great.
Secondly, you have done a superlative job of refining your goals, even though you say it was tough. Good work. Everyone should read your goals, read the chapter entitled, Know What You Want, and then set their own solution-packed goals. They should use your concrete goals as an example.
I read your later post and I'm not surprised that things went well. You had the whole thing planned out! Good job!
About your question- how would your ex expect you to respond to his request? What would push him away? What would please him but not lose you in the process? That's what you should do. Keep us posted. Michele
Aly, I'm glad you're reading a lot and trying to change your approach to your marriage. Good for you.
I understand why you are confused. Many people here talk about the importance of backing off. You're wondering if that would be a 180 for you since coldness and distance was a problem. That's a good question. As I described in Step #5- Experiment and Monitor- you need to approach this as a trial and error process. Try something and watch the results. For now, you should experiment with being attentive and see how he responds. I'm cautious about this, but I think you should give it a shot and see what happens. After that, you'll have your answer about the best way to proceed. Michele
Sounds like you have a plan. Your goals are somewhat vague but if you read DB713's goals, you'll see what I mean. Finetune yours a bit.
As to the death in the family. Be supportive and loving. See how she responds. THis may be an opportunity for the two of you to bond. If she recoils, stop. Keep your eyes open. Keep up the good work! Michele
OM, The answer here is simple. (Not to be confused with simple to do, just simple to figure out.) If distancing has worked for you, keep distancing. Not allowing her to push your buttons seems to work too. Good job. What self-control. The book will help you feel supported in what you're trying to do here. Keep going. Michele
Kcee, I really feel for you. It doesn't help for you to blame yourself for the past. Focus on the present and future. Your description of the breakdown in your marriage is so common.
First of all, would your wife consider trying a new therapist with you for a while? My hope would be that you both would go to a DB therapist. My guess is that she's happy with her therapist. That's unfortunate because it's possible that the therapist is part of the problem here. Dont', however, push her on this issue. It will backfire. How about attending a marriage class together? Would she consider that?
I agree with you about the importance of being action-oriented in your requests. It's hard to try to please someone unless you know what they need. No one can read minds.
However, she did tell you that it's important to her for you to talk to her and share your feelings. I know that this isn't your favorite thing to do and it probably doesn't come naturally, but I also know that as I describe on page 53, you have to do real giving. Re-read that section. Stretch yourself. Sit down with her, if she's willing, and talk about you. Don't pressure her about your relationship but give her some insight about what makes you tick. Surprise her with your openness, even if you don't feel like it. I don't know her, obviously, so I can't tell whether she would be open to this kind of conversation or if she would feel pressured. You be the judge. But be nice to her and see what happens.
One more thought, would she read a book? If so, ask her to read "Getting Through to the Man you Love." It would be better for her right now that Divorce Remedy. That might be too threatening. Michele
JJ, Your post contains within it several positive solutions. You've been doing a great job at figuring this stuff out, haven't you. Here's what you're telling me: ravishing her works taking a strong stand and setting boundaries works offering her an opportunity to help you about non-R issues works distancing works sometimes
I think you know what you're doing. If you're ever unsure, try something and carefully watch the results, just like I describe in the 5th step- esperiment and monitor. You've got it, keep doing it. Michele
