W 44 me 47 bomb nov 2005 seperated 4/2006 - I had to move out of family home 3 D's 9,11,15 1 S 13 W in MLC. Still sees OM when she can. Tells me they are not physical anymore.
W has said a few times that I will never be able to trust her again. How do I counter this statement.
We have been seperated 3 months, W and children are in the family home and I get round to see the children whenever I want. W and I can talk to each other, she just says that she has no interest in me romatically.
I am being as patient as I can be and distancing myself as much as I can whilst still seeing the children often.
If I distance myself totally W will think I am neglecting the childrens needs. Should I just focus on the children when I visit and ignore W (ie only talk to her when she initiates convo.)
I don't think you should ignore her, just act like a rather friendly acquaintance. No relationship talks, acting as if, being positive and upbeat, appearing happy to move on etc etc.
Have you read the DB Newcomer's Thread and the MLC Resources one at the top of this page?
My xh also said the trust thing, I think it is partly a genuine concern and also partly an excuse for them to carry on down the mlc road.
Jaybeexx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Quote: W has said a few times that I will never be able to trust her again. How do I counter this statement.
Say: "I forgive you. Forgiveness is freely given. You need to come to a place where you can trust yourself...and I have faith that someday you will be at that place."
Also tell her that YOU decide who and waht YOU will trust.
I like what Jaybee said...there is a genuine concern regarding trust...AND it's an excuse to continue the bad behaviour.
HUGS,
K-R
Last edited by Rollercoasterider; 07/31/0601:35 AM.
hi all, now I see W has signed up for two different online dating services. I guess she is trying out her options. This really gets to me. Currently I am seperated (3 months) and paying her child support and half the mortgage. I feel that I should stop paying half the mortgage and let her pay me out. Then she would see that the single life and having to pay all expenses by herself is not all that is cracked up to be. I really am in a quandry. I know I have to totally detach and let her go. I feel that I cannot move on emotionally and financially with the payments I have to make re mortgage. I don't want to get payed out as to me it would be the end.
I'm not going to do anything drastic, just need some advice. Asked W out to a concert at the and of the month and she has agreed to go with me. So that is positive.
all advice greatfully accepted. Go well people and good luck in your marriagebusting. Paul
Hi Paul, Lost track of you and I saw this in MLC. Sorry not much has changed. Refresh my memory – is it a legal S or just a handshake. If L I would think you could go back and request a reduction in the mortgage. If she has enough money to spend on dating services and such that may be a good case. If informal – just do it. Say you cannot afford it and see what her reaction is.
I should change the subject line to "W says I will never be able to trust you again". Why? You may ask, read on...
Major backslide here. W finally changed her hotmail passwords and like the fool I am I tried to guess her new password resulting in her getting locked out and having to reset the passwords again. I havent talked to or seen her since the lockout but I guess she has found out by now. Over the weekend I installed and tested out keylogging software on her laptop (works fine by the way) but after the lockout I have had second thoughts about the whole prying thing and have removed the keylogging stuff. I really do not want to know.
I have finally decided to just let her go. My constant thoughts about W and our sit. is really taking it's toll on my PMA. So I have to let her go. Before I left on Sunday night I penned her a letter that I left in her bed for her to find and read. It went something like this...
Wife, I have to put these words onto paper for you to read. I wish to apologise for all the heartache my actions in the past and recently have caused you.
I know you now have no feelings for me. But I am findng it extreemly hard to loose the feelings that I have for you. I have finally come to accept the fact the we will never live together as man and wife again.
It is only the fact that I am the father of four wonderfull children that allows me to keep functioning at all. I do not want to cause the children any more suffering in any way, shape or form. We will have to come to some sort of agreement whereby they can come and stay at my place on weekends sometimes.
Once again I apologise for any pain or grief that I may have caused you.
I will always hold you close to my heart, I will always be there for you and I will always cherish the memories of our time together. Paul.
...Over the weekend I advised W to start looking at splitting up our assets, mainly the mortgage, she can buy me out. It has been said elsewhere on this site that you must totally let go before there is any chance of getting your partner back. That is what I am attempting to do.
What's going to happen in the future? I don't know. I do know that I am going to miss her. I hope eventually she will start to miss me.
Good luck to everyone in their divorcebusting endevours. Now I've gotta go and really start to get a life.
Well a quiet week, didn't go round the family home at all. Talked to children every day on phone though. W talked via IM one day and wanted to talk to me another time whilst I was talking to children on the phone, invited me to nephews bday party today (sunday), so I guess that is something. Am going, will take D15 on my bike. Figure I should have a bit of independance and not all go together in family car. Am looking to smile at all her rellies and have a good time.
Went to a Christian singles learn to ballroom dance thing last night. Felt really out of place but ended up having a really good time. I not going there to find another partner, dance or other, just something to do. Yust call me Mr Uncoordination, I suppose Fred Astair had to start somewhere.
Well i'm off to the bday party, lots of lollies, red cordial and crazy kids.
No _SadBoy I'm not going to a D support group, bit premature I think.
I'm doing a 12 step program though, going on 7 months without a drink. Longest time I've been without one in 30 years. Better late than never.
The bloke I'm renting from told me about the singles group he goes to and talked me into going along. I'm basically just trying to keep myself occupied. This is hard stuff but I have to remain focused on my goals. Fix myself up & heal my M. I have plenty of time.
The 'let go' letter I mentioned in a previous post is one of the biggest gambles I've made in my life. But as they say you gotta let 'em go totally before they'll come back(or let me back).
W still mostly talks to me like I was a friend so it's not all bad.
Really think I've had enough. 9 months post bomb. W advised me to move out in mid Nov 2006. 'Had enough of my drinking and mood swings' didn't move out. Early Jan I started going to AA and haven't had a drink since mid Jan. Found out about OM early Feb. Confronted W about it. W admitted EP/PA. W advised she would do whatever she wanted. Late April I cracked when W wanted to go see OM and said things to W in front of kids that shouldn't have been said in front of them. W had to tell all (PA with OM) to kids and her parents. Next day W said if I didn't move out she would and would take kids with her. I moved out so kids would not have to move from family home. Have been separated 4 months now. I was a regular 'visitor' to my house, mainly to see kids, up to 2 weeks ago when I wrote W a 'letting go' 9 (ala 'Love Must be Tough') letter. Have since been going dark only seeing kids once or twice a week. Last weekend I helped out at a psycic fair run by local spiritual church, W had a stall there and I was cooking sausages both days. I didn't bother her too much but once she was outside having a smoke by herself so I went over to say hello & she pretty well ignored me and started texting someone on her phone as a way of ignoring me I guess. later on I said hello at her stall and she wanted me to look after her stall while she went and had a smoke I declined. She seems to be giving me the brush off all the time and I have had enough of it.
When will I be able to go through a day without thinking of her? When wll I be able to stop dreaming of her? When will she wake up and ask me to come back home?
I do not want things to turn nasty but whenever I mention that I want 50% custody eventually she tells me it will never happen 'If you want a fight I'll give you one' was her exact words.
W has told me many times that she has no feelings for me anymore and has trouble even looking at me as a friend. I know that in the past my drinking caused her alot to heartache and affected my relationship with the kids but I would have thought that 7 months without a drink would have shown her that I was serious about changing.
So friends do you thing I have blown my marriage due to my past actions or do you think I have a chance? I have no intention of ever drinking again but I guess W has heard that one many times before and is finding it hard to believe that I could change. I have never been as commited to anything in my life as this. I am totaly commited to changing and turning my life around. But given the response I'm getting from my W I'm starting to feel it is too little too late.
Maybe in the future some other lady will get to share my new life with me. I'd much prefer my W and children to share it with me.
