A proposal for divorce - what do you think?

[alamogirl]

Geez LL, I wish my H would have written me that letter.

We have the same problem except I don't admire any other man nor do I fantasize about someone else other than my H. However, I have zero libido, and we had been living like roommates...heck, even roommates probably had more sex than us.

Without a word of warning, my H left one day. He's been back but only as a friend. After the initial shock of him leaving, I'm really starting to get pissed off! I'm to the point that I feel like telling him to file for divorce. If he was thinking of leaving for some time, why in the hell did we keep buying stuff for the house? After sharing 12 years of our lives together, I can't believe he took the coward approach and left. BTW, he's an unemployed college student, so it's not like I was after him for his money.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but either give your wife the letter or dump her!

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Alamogirl,
Thanks for your post. Yeah, it does seem fair to give her a headsup, though I need to control my anger in the tone, before really dumping her. There is only so much rejection one can take, so many times you try to reestablish romance and are rebuffed - wonder how she can think a marriage can last if she never returns any affection, never even holds my hand. True, she spends plenty of time with me, but how can this half-life continue without some even small amount of physical contact? It seems we have a future, just like you we buy things for the house, like it can go on, but there is an undercurrent ... sleeping together again would be nice also... mere sex together, not that it could even happen, would seem less than love, just physical and not romantic?
Frustrated - LL

[LuckyLuke]

Hi again,
I've thought some more about your comments on the tone of the letter, and come up with this. What do you think?

Dear -,

Three years ago you left our bed and started your “do not touch -” policy. I have found this treatment very hard to bear. Even one year of abandonment is sufficient grounds for divorce in many places. I don’t understand why you are doing this unless you want to end our marriage.

At first and then sporadically thereafter I tried to reestablish contact, but after repeated rebuffs, decided more pain is not worth it. I also thought that you might change your mind when you understood the depth of my love and commitment to you, which I hope I have shown you, and so waited. (Did you know that the pastor at our wedding told me to turn the other cheek? I have tried to do just that).

I know about your relationship with R. I do not understand how your sense of honor and fairness could let you cheat like that... to my mind marriage and cheating are incompatible. What do you want?

The waiting on my part is now over and you need to make a decision. As I see it, we can either try to improve our relationship or terminate it. Improving might be, for example, going to individual counseling – not together – and rebuilding our relationship. Termination would involve just that – selling the house, dividing up our things, moving apart, stopping unnecessary communication. Some collateral damage would be unavoidable.

Perhaps there is a third way; if so, please tell me about it. Perhaps there is a better way to improve our relationship; if so, please propose it. Any third way cannot, however, as far as I am concerned, involve compromising our marriage; I am a moral absolutist on this count and have stayed true to you.

So, enough is enough. I have had a bunch of truly wonderful years with you, but your recent lack of love, sometimes respect and even simple affection has hurt me deeply. Please think carefully about this, make your decision and then let us quickly carry it out.

Love,

--

[alamogirl]

Hi LL,

Now that it seems as if your wife wanted you to read the back side of her note, I would definitely give her that letter.

As I said before, if my H would have sat me down and told me everything you have written in your proposed letter, I know in my heart that I would have done everything in my power to find out why my libido was dead .

He complained but that was it. We often joked about it, but I honestly didn't know how it was affecting him. I read in "Dr. Ellen's" website, that sex governs a man's well-being from how he treats his family to his co-workers. Dr. Ellen didn't say it directly, but I was reading Q/A from other people who wrote in. I was crushed to find out that I was torturing my H. That's why I don't understand why he didn't tell me that if we continued a sexless marriage, we were through.

I haven't read DR yet, so I don't know what the others would have to say about your situation, but since I was in a similiar situation as you (sans affair), I would definitely give your wife that letter. If and when you give it to her, how much more time are you going to wait until she acts?

Off topic: I saw my H yesterday. He came over to play with the dogs, and we went out to dinner. When he left, he gave me a friendly hug. I wonder if he'll ever give me a sexy hug again .

I'll look forward to hear what your wife said.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Alamogirl,

Thanks for your thoughts.

I am not sure that she did want me to read it (the paper was folded, with the note to me on the outside, and hers on the inside) and her behavior doesn't indicate anything either...

Her libido is there, I am pretty sure, but I believe she has made a conscious decision not to express it or any affection to me, a mind over matter deal. She is normally a pretty touchy person and deliberately avoids touching me... nothing...

Also, she doesn't believe in marriage, doesn't see the benefit, and given her self-assurance and ability to attract men, isn't afraid to lose me. We met an 80 yr guy who had had 6 wives, which she thought was great... Of course the house and carefree kids and lifestyle would be gone too, which I believe is what is keeping her, at least as much as I might be...

DR says not to bring up 'the troubles', but instead stay positive, work on yourself, avoid anger, and maybe they will find their way back. I've been doing that for 850 days now, waking up angry and sad and alone, lousy.

Her issues are more my lack of strength, being trapped in marriage (perhaps her touching me would simply confirm that she is trapped again?), my avoiding conflict (I often say that she is right and don't fight back). Maybe weightlifting, an assertiveness class, and some marriage training deal would be good?

The men suffering from too little sex thing is I think only partly true. Sure, it is nice to have sex, and it relaxes and maybe balances you, but people aren't so simple I think... My wife certainly isn't concerned about my not having sex...

My biggest concern now is not acting to stop the affair, which may get out of hand. On the other hand, she said that she doesn't want to share personal feelings with the guy, so maybe it is only physical... If I do talk to her now about it, maybe it is all over with us...

We just booked a family vacation together, in November, which she was positive on. Strange to do things and be together so much (we both work at home), but not have affection, deep communication, share laughter, the things that make a marriage good. She does watch films with me, but that is where it stops...

Hmm - the well of thoughts and feelings is dry -

How are you doing? I can really recommend reading DB or DR (both are about the same) for practical advice. Give it time with your husband, men I think like marriage...
LL