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Hi there,
Our marriage of 20 yrs has been in difficulty for a few years now. I have been using the LRT during this, validating when I can, turning the other cheek, staying strong, not talking relationship, etc. Nothing has helped - my wife hardly ever touches me and we have not shared a bed since 2004. She says she is like the tennis player in "Matchpoint", a character whose morals I cannot sympathize with.

What do you all think of this letter - I feel at the end of my tether, after three years of no physical affection:

Dear -,

Three years ago you left our bed and started your “do not touch him” policy. I have found this treatment very hard and even one year of such behavior is sufficient grounds for divorce in many places.

At first I tried to reestablish contact, but after numerous rebuffs, decided more pain is not worth it. I also thought that you might change your mind when you understood the depth of my love and commitment to you, which I hope I have shown you, and so waited. (Did you know that the pastor at our wedding told me to turn the other cheek? I have tried to do just that).

The waiting on my part is now over and you need to make a decision. As I see it, we can either try to improve our relationship or terminate it. Improving might be, for example, going to individual counseling – not together – and rebuilding our relationship. Termination would involve just that – selling the house, dividing up our things, moving apart and stopping all unnecessary communication. Some collateral damage – the poor, dear children –is unavoidable, but we could work to minimize this.

Perhaps there is a third way; if so, please tell me about it. Perhaps there is a better way to improve our relationship; if so, please propose it. Any third way cannot, however, as far as I am concerned, involve compromising our marriage; I am a moral absolutist on this count and have stayed true to you.

So, enough is enough. I have had a bunch of truly wonderful years with you, but your recent lack of love, sometimes respect and even simple affection has hurt me deeply. Please think carefully about this, make your decision and then let us quickly carry it out.

Love,

--


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What is the character from Matchpoint? How does it describe your W?

I can totally sympathize with getting no affection for that long. That would break anybody. But, you suggest counseling in your letter...have you sought out a solution based counselor for yourself already? Maybe they could offer another option besides an ultimatum in a letter?


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Hi Optimist,
The character is a semi-good tennis player, not good enough to play with the top pros, who wants up in the world, and marries a girl in order to get connected to her rich family. He isn't thrilled by or really in love with her, calling her 'sweet'. On the side, he has a passionate affair with the former fiance of his wife's brother, getting her pregnant, which leads to all sorts of complications...
My wife is like him in that she likes the comforts of married life, a house, an income providing husband, but also the thrill of another romance outside. It seems to me that you can't have it both ways and respect the idea of marriage - hence the proposed letter.
No, I have not found a counselor yet. I still have a few paid for DB sessions that might be useful - should do that. An ultimatum is simple, but maybe too brutal, too red pill/blue pill.
Thanks, LL


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And SHE admits that she is like this character?


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Hi Optimist,
No, not directly, but she says the movie is great and I believe I understand that this is the reason. My wife is a passionate, thrill-seeking, romance hungry person, who admires an older guy we know who has had 6 wives, that he has had so much variety in his life. While I can see her point, I can also see the point of a stable, safe, marriage, which by the way I am trying to keep interesting with trips to unusual places (we just went to Japan, will probably go to Turkey this fall), good food (I am the cook), and continued kindness (mind you, she once said she wanted me to fight back, but this contradicts the LRT). My hope is that a 'let her be' approach, along with being there when she wants me, will lead to her seeing that being married and I are worth it.
Can you think of another way beyond an ultimatum? Something does need to change, but I can't see what, especially given the point we are at -
LL


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Well, I am sure not a therapist, and am not real good at coming up with ideas for other people's situations. I've done pretty well with my own, but my H started coming around before I even found DR.

So you have already had a phone consultation with a DB coach? Did you find it helpful? What tips did you get and how did you use them?


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Hi - yes, a few of them and thinking of having another one soon. My wife's earlier boyfriends were quite different from me - a football star, a wrestling champ, a motorcyclist, etc. while I am a mild-mannered engineer, certainly not so exciting. The coach suggested a surprise bout of lovemaking, but this seems risky and not my style... She also suggested avoiding competition with my wife, who ran the marathon last year, and used to run with me until she outran me... she likes exciting, risk-taking activities, I prefer interesting ones, such as our recent trip to Japan. The thing is, we actually have pretty similar interests, but different styles... she is outspoken, dominant, places stock in appearances, can seem arrogant, while I am quieter, play '2nd fiddle' and believe modesty is a virtue. A 180 seems possible, but what could this be? Whatever it is has to fit with having two kids, lots of work and an irregular schedule. Hmm...


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Martial arts? Very physical but also very exacting. Something an engineer might like. Something you could do on your own and make your own (unless of course, W already does martial arts).

Have you tried going dark, at least some? You sound like the stable dependable type that W might miss once she gets the chance to miss it.

I agree with you that modesty is a virtue. It sounds like you are dealing with an introversion/extroversion issue (among other issues, of course) with your W. I know that introverts and extroverts often attract each other because they're opposites. I used to think I wanted an extroverted man because of this. But, I found out that I really enjoy extroverted friends, but when it comes to someone I want to live with day in and day out, I'd prefer a fellow introvert that doesn't demand me to react to them constantly. Anyway...that's an unrelated tangent...

If you've already paid for the DB sessions and you are at the point of giving your wife an ultimatum, then I'd say USE THOSE DB SESSIONS!! Do you think you're putting it off for some reason? You know procrastination is always based on an emotional aversion to something.


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Hi again,
Sorry for being out of touch - was on a business trip. I just found out (my wife left me a note, and I happened to look at the back) that my wife is having an affair, apparently while she was on a business trip also. Not sure whether to confront her - it was hard to read "those precious extra hours... with the feel of you etc. etc." and that this person had driven very far to see her. She did end with "i don't want really to be told things about you, i think a good friend anyway senses well enough the other guy's vulnerabilities and is protective. I would be happy if you only thought I was a charming pretty long-haired woman. Wny not, I don't wnat to put any weight on your shoulders".
What should I do? Confront her? Does the end imply that she is not having an affair? Does the "charming, pretty ..." mean this was only for her vanity?
Confused - LL


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Hi LL,

Sorry I can't tell you what the note means for sure, although I'm pretty sure she wanted you to know about it. Writing a note to you on the back of it sounds calculated to me, unless she's a complete dimwit (doubtful).

I actually have to run out, but I wanted to recommend a book called "101 nights of great romance" and "101 nights of great sex" by Laura Corn. I am looking forward to implementing them when H comes home! We actually used a couple a few years ago, but stopped. What you do is, one day a week, you each pick a page and tear it out w/o letting your partner see it. Then you surprise them sometime during the week. Judging from what you've said about your W's personality, I think she might like it.

Does she share her fantasies with you? Is there something you might be willing to try? Would she like role-playing? Sorry if this sounds kinky, it's not meant to be! That would also be a way of her getting "variety."

Deep down underneath all this, I wonder if it's more about her self-esteem, and her need to feel desirable as she gets older.

Got to go,
Nicola


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