Well, we just carved pumpkins tonight with the kids. together. I kept having thoughts of how last year it was just me and the kids doing it. It's been a looong road. It all started the end of April 1999 when W told me she "No longer loved me". This was then followed by her getting her own place Aug 1, 1999. By this time I figured out there was on OM. W and OM went on till about March or April 2000. W then said she would move home June 1. She didn't get moved in till July 1. In June we attended Retrouvaille but W only went to 2 follow ups and didn't dialogue much (and still hasn't). However, W has been home now for about 3.5 months and things are getting better. Some days are rough - but we are making progress.
I just wanted to post the brief synopsis of my saga to those who may visit here and not be familiar with it. I want to give hope to those who are struggling to let them know - IT CAN WORK. We went through a separation and W's SERIOUS attachment to an OM. I do not agree with what happened, but I have accepted that it did. Just last night, my son was coloring in a book that he and OM apparently worked on together and he remembered it and spoke of it. (He's only 5 and to him OM was "a friend"). W was sitting there and said "He has a good memory". I know there are times that W is hurting - sometimes for the future of what we my deal with - and other times for OM. Those times are hard but we get through them together.
Tonight I came home and was greeted with a kiss on the lips and a smile.
W is still struggling..and so am I at times. But it gets better all the time. I am now more proactive and I plan things for us and the family more instead of leaving so much up to her.
What I want everyone to know is that there were many times of despair, pain, and haplessness. But for whatever reason, I continued (and still do - it's just not as painful now) and endured. I think I can say...this marriage will be saved: but there is still work to be done. We endured a 10 month separation, followed by another 3 week one, and there was an OM involved for almost 1 year. It now seems like that year was a blur sometimes, but at the time it seemed like an eternity. I just want anyone to know - YOU CAN ENDURE. Continue to DB.
I don't get out here much to post because I don't have my own computer. However, for Christmas we are getting one. I will be able to post more then. I know there are many out there that are just beginning this unfortunate journey and are searching for direction. I hope to some day be able to give that as others have given to me.
I just want to thank you Michelle. If it weren't for you, I (we) wouldn't be where we are now. I wouldn't have meet the others that fought - and still are - to save their marriage. I received support from so many here that I'm afraid to begin naming them for fear of leaving some out. You all know who you are and I know who you are. Thank you all. And I wouldn't have meet David. He was my leader. I followed his methods VERY closely and printed all of his posts. I now see things so differently. I KNOW that in a few more months I will be sending you a post to add to your "Success Stories" collection. When I first came here, I remember telling you that was my goal. I am now in the final steps of seeing that goal come completion. Thanks all of you and God Bless you all!!
Sooooo happy for you, even though we've not corresponded before. Know there's still a lot of repair work. My H and I are 16 months into recovering from his affair. He doesn't even miss the OW but we've still got a ways to go. I still need a lot of help which is why I'm here.
I have a qestion: Is your wife doing anything to get help for herself?
Thank you all. Yes, in some ways W has gotten help for herself. She recently quit her full time job and has taken on a part time on-call job where she can turn it down when she gets called and they try someone else. This is her first week of this. I have noticed she is less depressed and freindlier towards me this week. She is also on some meds. As far as personal counseling, no - but she is hoping that by working less she can use that time to begin working on herself. This has temporarily been hampered a little though. My parents lost their home to fire 2 weeks ago and lost everything. They are staying with us for now. My W has been very helpfull through all of this and it was mostly her idea. They are getting a place in a couple of weeks.
alottolearn - the affair my W had was intense - these were her words. I would say she has only gotten to a strong point recently where she is no so depressed over him - about 2 monthes now. I realize she will never forget as neither will I. However, does it continue to get better? Sometimes I wonder about the insecure feelings of mine. We are continueing to improve - I can sense that I think. I do wish to improve our talks and communication. You say he doesn't miss her now (after 16 monthes). I guess I'm wondering how long was it for the 'missing' to wear off. My W does still miss OM at times and gets depressed. Did you go through this? We are in the 3 1/2 monthes stage. Any input on the road ahead? Also, do you discuss the OW much or the affair. Sometimes I wonder about the road ahead - but don't we all.
Hey, step by step. Good to hear from you, it's been a while. You were a big inspiration to me. I gotta go for now.
[This message has been edited by Nathan (edited 10-27-2000).]
Nathan, Thanks for sharing your really great news. IT is so good to hear that you are truly working things out. It's good that you aren't expecting perfection and that you are willing to work at making things better and better. I know that you will get there. Just keep DBing. Good things will continue to come your way.
Sorry about the news of your parents. Hope things get easier for you and yours.
But CONGRATULATIONS! YOu're on the road to recovery. Michele
After reading your great post I went back and read a whole lot of your posts from about a year ago, especially your dialoging with David. You did an incredible job! I have one question and it is a serious question even if it sounds mean or ill-spirited....was it worth it?
MF Well, 11 years later I can say YES!! We now have 4 kids, she tells me she loves me a lot and calls me Babe frequently. Just the other day our youngest was mocking her saying "Hey Babe" - it was funny! Was it worth it? Considering the alternative was divorce and split family - I'll take what I have. Is everyday a 10? Of course not, but it wouldn't have been otherwise either and I will say we probably actually have more 10 days than we would have had. Am I glad to have went through it? No, it was very heart wrenching and painful. Am I glad I chose to go through with it (DBing) once I found myself in it? A resounding Yes! I wish all of you out there success. Focus on what YOU can do. In the end she had a choice as well, I just worked my behind off to try to make that choice the most irresistable one!
