I am curious about what you said. You feel that you will know she trusts you again when she shows more affection. What does she say about that? Does she feel her lack of affection is about you and not about her. or is that how you interpret it from the way men feel. I am very affectionate with my H but its hard for me to open up to him because of my lack of trust. for me personally the not wanting to share my inner feelings and vulnerabilities is because of lack of trust.
I am not sure about her rational for her lack of affection. I think she has to feel first???
She even said to the MC that she did not want to show affection because it might give me false hope. That was a tough one but the mc redirected it quickly before I recoiled too far.
She is however trying in small ways. A touch here or a brush there. I know it is on her mind. I am not sure how to proceed. I am mixed as to when to push the envelope.
Now the good stuff.. I "discovered yesterday that my W had cleared all the phone #'s from her cel that I would not approve off (like OM for instance). To do this she had to get the thing reprogrammed at the phone store. She had been hiding these numbers in memory since July. What a relief.. I guess for her too.
Next bit of good news.. we are going to Mexico for Christmas. Just a week but it should be a great opportunity to reconnect.
Chris
[This message has been edited by ChrisJ (edited 12-14-1999).]
It seems your W keeps making gradual steps to reconnecting. The phone thing is a concrete action in the right direction.
Trust will come in time. For myself I know it would be easier to love my W again than to trust her. I still love her on a certain level but the trust is close to zero.
I think with the patience you have your W will regain the trust for you. She seems committed to trying.
Don't forget the sun screen.
Rich
[This message has been edited by Rich (edited 12-15-1999).]
It sounds to me that she does trust you, and her lack of affection might not be because she dosnt want to but her fear of the confusion of her feelings.
The reason I have been able to go back to being affectionate with my H is because I am by nature affectionate and carring. Not allowing that part of me was hard on me and kept me closed off. It was the "act as if" that helped there. I was also afraid to be affectionate because I wasnt sure we could work things out. Feeling afraid of committing to the long haul when I didnt know what was going to happen with my feelings. If my own personal problems would interfere with me being able to have a healthy relationship period, not just with my H. So I was very afraid of leading him on in a situation that I wasnt certain of the outcome. The thing is I dont have to be certain of the outcome, and if I dont put my all into it then there is more of a chance of a negative outcome. not trying to be a thread buster just hoping my feelings might trigger thoughts of your own for your situation.
She definitly is showing wonderful positive signs. Yes its great she took care of her phone as far as your feelings go and also that speaks volumes for her feelings as well, I think.
"She is however trying in small ways. A touch here or a brush there. I know it is on her mind. I am not sure how to proceed. I am mixed as to when to push the envelope."
I think maybe just mirroring her actions. let her lead and you can reciprocate and intiate the same level of contact as well. Once things are comfortable you can go just a tiny bit further and stay there a while and so on.
I am sure this Christmas vacation will be a wonderful time of connection for you two!
as things progress she will start to feel more secure in her actions.
ChrisJ: Things seem to be going pretty well for you two (you and W). Keep up the good work. The vacation thing should do good.
I'm waiting on that one myself. My H wants us to go away (without kids), at least for a weekend. He actually said he would like to go to the same place where we went for our honeymoon. I think it would be great. We've always wanted to go back there.
I am so glad to hear of the progress you and W are making! Mexico for Christmas....that's wonderful!
My H is also trying in small ways. I guess some progress is better than no progress....right??? It's been four weeks for us (trying mode). And I can see progress. He is moving back home this weekend (12/17), I still cannot believe it!! (I'll post rest of story in new thread).
Remember time and patience. I keep reminding myself of it every day. And as long as you see the relationship moving forward, it's a positive sign.
Your Christmas get-a-way sounds like a great opportunity for the two of you to reconnect again. I hope you both have a wonderful time! Along with the sunscreen, pack those great DBing skills too!
Thanks for your insight about affection.. I think your comment about uncertain outcome is exactly her sticking point. She does not want to act as if in case there is a "negative" outcome.
I don't yet think that I can push this although I think that I do understand it. I am hopeful that as time passes she will start to feel more secure and come to realize that the affection that is missing is only one component of an otherwise excellant marriage.
I think the MC has already discovered this "blockage" and has started a plan to get through it. I also think it has not been until just recently that she has looked at other components besides affection in expressing love. Gary Chapmans book (5LL's) has been helpful.
For me the "act as if" has been to act as if we were more intimate. I do remember and can relive how I feel after "love making". At first this was tough mainly because I took the lack of affection and wanting as a personel rejection, now I accept that this is not the case.
Rich,
Thanks for stopping by.. I have been reading in newcomers but I get a little overwhelmed by all the new faces unfortunately with all the old problems and making all the same mistakes due to lack of understanding. One thing that I am sure of is that until I accepted my role in the situation and focussed solely on myself, I did not feel in control.
Rich don't give up on your W, time is a funny thing.
Jo,
Go on that weekend trip and have fun. Be the happy people you once where. Your H is wanting to build and improve your marriage, help him.
Hi all! Sounds like some good news is coming our way in groups. Remember like Chelsea said, time and patience. It works and it IS worth it. Hang in there and never give up hope or give up trying. Good to hear from you folks. Rich, ChrisJ is right. Hang in there. GG
You two have a wonderful time! you know you wont be too far from us, my H goes to Mex all time, he loves their tacos, its just a hop skip and jump from us.
Okay sooo, you want me to read that book I guess by next year I should have it finished! perhaps then I will completely understand all you have been telling me for a while. as Theressa was sending me summaries and some complete chapters she said she realized so many more things from just going through it again, so many things clicked. so I guess I will be reading it more then once. Maybe you will go through again to see if there is anything that you didnt realize the first time through.
Look out, because I am competetive and you have challenged me this is one race where were all winners just for reaching the finish line
I guess by next year I should have it finished! perhaps then I will completely understand all you have been telling me for a while.