I’m posting this hoping that someone has an idea or two that can change my mind about D. I’m ½ way out the door and need a LR idea.
I’m in a MLC and want to leave a 15-year marriage full of faithfulness, fighting, some fun, some joys, and a lot of disappointment. We’re so different and rarely connect/agree intellectually about anything. Our “chemistry” is lousy; we bring out the worst in each other. I realized this early in our marriage and became quite angry about it. I felt and still feel trapped. I’m almost 50 and can’t imagine being 60, looking back on ten more years of this. I wish that I could re-do the 10+ years of being obnoxious, angry, and even verbally abusive with W (never physical). We both wanted to save our marriage and have a better life together.
2 yrs ago I started seeing a therapist, who diagnosed depression. I’ve taken antidepressants since; big difference. I rarely lose my temper with W now. I am able to keep my anger in check when I do. W was unwilling to focus on her emotional issues, instead focuses on my flaws, which were considerable the years that I spent being a curmudgeon. Therapist was supposed to be for both, but started with me then wouldn’t consider doing joint MT. Said she did SBT but focused only on my needs and didn’t consider W’s at all; no S there. The experience did more harm than good for us. W was/is justifiably very angry at therapist. And I’m still not “fixed” enough for W, even though I’ve made major changes in the way I relate to her. Fundamentally, I don’t think that she likes my personality.
I’m just tired of it all and ready to find someone that I am attracted to who likes me for who I am. I believe strongly that splitting up is best thing for both of us. W and I are both nice looking and fit for our age bracket; she is quite pretty and I think she could find someone else easily. I’m heartbroken over how our discussions on breakup and D are affecting W; I still care about her. W went back to work full time a last year after 7 years at home. Job has a negative work culture and an incompetent, self-centered boss that doesn’t advocate for his employees. It’s very stressful for her. This is a terrible time for me to split up with her. There is no good time. I've also considered a Controlled Separation. W does not want to split up.
Just wrote a long reply that accidently got deleted.
So I won't go into much detail but will tell you about a program called Retrouvaille. Do an internet search and learn about it. The reconciliation success rate for this program is very high.
Michelle has various materials and programs that you might also want to check out. Do a thorough search of this site for them.
Please don't end your M without trying something else. If you do, you will have to take the responsibility for potentially more unhappiness than what you've already experienced.
The fact that you came here looking for help proves that you want to save your marriage.
Be flexible enough to understand that another mate will not solve your problems. You will have the same issues to work out with another person--and it might be 10x worse.
Love is a choice, happiness is a choice. All relationships take TLC. Now that you know that your depression has contributed to the breakdown of your marriage, you have some tools to work with.
We can't live in the past. What's happened is over. You have the opportunity to have a wonderful relationship with your wife. Go for it. You can ALWAYS get a divorce after you give it a try.
Remember, if you don't work on helping yourself in THIS relationship, when you are older you will be trying to do the same thing in another relationship--and that is if you can find somebody who wants to have a relationship with you.
I'm glad you found us. I am a LBS and have learned SO MUCH in the past year about what goes on for the WASes. Congratulations for exploring your feelings and options, and asking for input.
FWIW, my W and I are having a positive experience with an Imago therapist (www.imagorelationships.org). They also have weekend couples' workshops. It sounds to me like you and she are still in the power struggle stage of relationship - this is not the end! You can use so much of what you learn about yourself while exploring this to heal the hurts you have each caused each other.
If you could write a clear list of what your vision for your relationship would be, what would that list be? Write it down here and we can give you feedback.
Please, please, know this: it is not about finding a new person. A new person will be lots of fun for a while, and you will experience the honeymoon bliss of feeling like that new person totally gets you and meets all your needs. But that is short-lived. Eventually, real needs emerge. Whatever you have not solved from your current marriage will resurface in the new relationship, guaranteed.
Hang in here for a while and let us help you. Think about couples' therapy. I have seen amazing things happen.
Paz
No doubt, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
My thread: Rebirthing
