On my Thread, "The Long Journey Home-an MLC Journey" I posted these within the text. Since it is so very long I decided to extract them and put them in a neat list that you can copy. For the long version feel free to go to my thread.
I am saying a prayer for you, that you find the help and comfort that you need. You are not alone, God is with you always. We here at the DB are too. Hugs
Here are a few things I did to DB my H while all the craziness was going on:
·I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.
·I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was. ·I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.
·I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.
·I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. (If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.)
·I worked on my self-esteem.
·I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.
·I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.
·I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.
·I tried different 180’s.
· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.
·I became mysterious.
· I stopped initiating any conversation.
· I went to my room as soon as he came home.
· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.
· I never made plans that included him.
· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.
· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.
·I avoided OR talks.
· I stopped confronting him.
· I left the room first and ended conversations first.
·I was always friendly but distracted.
·I stopped defending myself.
·I listened to him ad- nauseum.
· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.
·I took antidepressants
·Went to counseling by myself.
·Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)
·I took stock of what about myself could be improved and did so.
·I prayed
·I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.
·I gave the whole situation over to God.
The above are a "few" of the things that I did.
Sometimes I felt like a doormat. But always reminded myself that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to and I could change my mind at any time.
About choice: So many times in the MLC journey it is so easy to feel powerless and that our H/W's have all the control. Reminding myself that I could check out anytime I liked was (is) really helpful in feeling more in control.
About anger and blame directed at us: I always told myself as my H blasted me, that I could stand there and listen or I could turn around and walk out.
One more thing that was helpful is even though I listened I never accepted what my H said as true. I said to myself, "that's how he feels." Before my H's MLC I was apt to take what he said as gospel.
For those that have trouble keeping up the PMA(who doesn't at first)here is something that should help you:
Try to "interrupt" (stop) any "negative" thought you have. Replace it with a positive thought about yourself such as; I am pretty or I am smart. While you are doing that, think of a picture in your mind, that makes you smile and feel warm inside. Do this every time you start to worry, or get that pit in your stomach, or feel sad, powerless, or lost.
This will help you to detach and to keep up the PMA(positive mental attitude) which is critical to successful DBing
I asked my H to please talk to me respectfully. If he continued, I would tell him I am leaving the room or hanging up and then do so.
I asked him not to bring little S around OW. He tried that about 3 times and each time I confronted him. As pleasantly as I could but firmly.
I asked him to not walk through my office to get to the bathroom(he could walk behind me and see what I was typing on the computer)
These are just a few.
Boundary setting was quite a challenge and it just wasn't a: tell him what I expect and forget it. He didn't like it when I opposed him in anyway. I also had to try not sound like his mother.
I will bring up the thread about setting boundaries for you to read.
Thanks Patience: There are so many people that need help here. I'm hoping that by posting this clear list that people will take things from it and be able to implement one or two things a step at time.
But, as you and I know, when you are hurting so much, you really need a kind person to hold your hand and listen. Even now I appreciate a personal response. A word of encouragement.
So, I thank you for yours. How are you feeling? Glad the operation was successful. Keep us posted.
Kansha Great thread. Someimes, actually alot of the time us long time DBers need to be reminded of what works and what doesn't. I had the holiday from hell this past weekend and did some really bad divorce busting. I honestly don't see and end to this MLC crap in the near future. I am dark again hopefully not to resurface until he comes out of this alien holiday he is own.We are fixing to go into month 16. Take care Pam
Thank you Kansha for bringing this up. I'm not familiar with your sitch, but I am very pleased to see that,according to your list of things to do while DBing, I am on the right track. I hope I stay on it. If you read my thread "Am I doing everything wrong?" you'll see that I had to set boundaries too. It was the hardest thing so far, but I felt guided to do it, and I think it's for the best. Thank you again.
I have a question: If you don't keep him involved in the children's lives (e.g. a brief phone call once a week), isn't that going to push him further towards the OW, and have him involved in HER young son's life? That's my concern. Our S is 9 and our D is 13. The OW's son is 2 or 3 and my H has started picking up her son from daycare because the police dept. finally separated my H and the OW. (He is a police officer, she works dispatch.) He already replaced me with her; I am afraid he is replacing our son w/ her son.
I have done a lot of these things too. Husband just announced OW and bomb a month ago (there was a mini episode in fall and I think he has been depressed entering MLC for about a year). When I learned about her I was devastated and I started doing a lot of the things suggested in this thread. They work! Just yesterday H admitted that he was very shocked by how well I seemed to be taking all of this and that it actually bothered him a little. Said he thought I would not be handling so well and even though he knew he should be happy I was doing okay it was troubling. I thought that was a good thing! Here is a funny thing I tried that I have a feeling really spun his head around...you'll laugh, but I whistled in the shower loudly when I knew he was in the next room -- cheery/happy songs. No man who just announced an OW expects you to be whistling a happy tune in the shower. Even if he didn't care, I felt like he did and I enjoyed it!
Me 32/H 32 M 3yrs/T 8 yrs 0 kids and 1 dog Bomb 5/15/08 - wants to end it to pursue OW Seeing OW and moving out 7/08
I've kept contact with MIL & FIL (especially since W has pretty much abandoned THEM also in her MLC selfishness...) and they told me that W is a little shocked that I've been able to actually survive and thrive on my own - that the house is clean, the bills are paid, and that I actually have managed to [GASP] develop a social life on my own.
Do I still get frustrated, angry, and depressed? Damned straight I do. But, as my (awesome) therapist has pointed out to me, if I didn't have the occasional low point, it wouldn't be normal. She also told me to make time for sadness and anger but to NOT speak out to W or to/around the kids when I'm in that mode. I've learned to vent when I'm alone in the car or alone at home, and not say anything out of anger, hurt, sarcasm, etc. (can't "unring that bell").
I'm still a newbie at this - only five months in since the bomb. Still learnin'
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Thanks for the wise and to the point counsel. It was very timely!
Me:42 H:47 D:17 S:14 D:13 D:13 M: 18 years H filed 6/16/08 (I considered separation 5/08). D final 11/09. EH MLC/alcoholic. Not sure what the future holds..
Help!!! I need to know that there is still hope after a divorce. My ex wanted one and I gave it to him. Now his is living with ow and is in love. Grown a pony tail and sports cars etc and is happy. I want to let go and go on. Let go and let God. Everyone tells me it is over. He is never returning. He never will love you again. Yet in my heart I can not help but realize that it takes two to make it work and that I need to work on me now. He needs this time to work on him. I had my dignity hence the divorce. HE was angry then happy then angry now last month it happened. I have not spoken or emailed him since August. In my heart I see the foolishness of all of this. That in this world there is hope for reconcilliation at any point when there is something that you find that you miss and realize you are both more aware, mature and still want it to. I only pray someday he will. I emailed the last one that I forgave him and wanted to talk but need time for me now as I was hurting. He respected that or perhaps was relieved or maybe just does not care, right now with ow. Please help me.
There are many cases of restoration of marriage after divorce. The woman who founded Rejoice Ministries has a restored marriage after divorce. http://www.rejoiceministries.org However, there is a definite suggested approach to this restoration. Another web site I recommend is http://www.midlife.com. As for what he said to you, they all say that. Even the ones that end up coming home. He appears happy, but he will soon see that you aren't the source of his problems, because you aren't around. Statistics prove that most of these relationships do not last, and that most of the ones that last a while do not end in marriage. Most of the ones that end in marriage do not last. I have a friend whose H remarried, then divorced the OW after 3 years and is now reconnecting with my friend. If you are willing to love your H in spite of what he does and use the approach that is suggested to you, you will have a chance for a restored marriage. This is not easy. I have not seen my wife in 3 years. You will have to let this MLC run its course. You must let go of him, turn him over to God, and spend the time working on what you can change:YOU! Come to the midlife board and get the support you need. With the DB board, Rejoice Ministries and Midlife, you will get tremendous support and all the tools you need to weather this storm. Know that this won't end next week, next month, or possibly next year. Be prepared for a long haul. This will test your mettle far more than anything you've experienced, believe me. God bless you. I'm so sorry you have to be here.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
I am posting over at the WAW section. My wife, I believe is in midlife based on her dropping the bomb speech and everything else. I am 5 months into this and have received tremendous support form this board. I have been doing the db'ng and I am doing well on a a personal level, but my emotional level is still waivering. She is with OM which makes it difficult. It took me time to realize that none of this had anythng to do with me, relaitionship or my marriage, this site really brought things to perspective.
I find myself wanting to throw in the towel, sometimes it seems like too much. I give credit to everyone who has survived and reconciled, but my fear now is that she doesn't appear to be coming back, ever. I know there are no guarantees in this. I have spent the last 5 months working on myself and have done very well. she lives with one of her friends in a room in her house. I have packed up ll her clothes and taken down all pictures of her. there is no sign in my house that she ever existed. her comments to her frineds, "I'm glad he's moving on". I know I am not supposed to believe anything that comes out of her mouth, but it all still hurts to think he is thinking this way. Do you have any advice for getting thru the low spots and what keeps you motivated? I am thinking that I haven't gone to church and since I've been trying everything I am tinking of giving it a whirl. I am thinking it is out of my hands, everything is up to her so maybe I should put it in his hands. I will see her tomorrow for thanksgiving at her dad's. I wasn't gonna go but my two younger D's will be there and they want me to go. I have not said more than 5 sentences to her in over a month. Our only communication is texting a couple of times a month for her to pay her share of the car insurance. financially she is not good at all. I am caught up with all my bills, no late notices a all. First time in over a year. Looking for advice and some happy ending stories. Is it possible top really reconcile after she has been with another man, and i don't know if i can last another month let alone 1-3 years. Thanks
5 months is no time at all. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's true. It is said that MLC takes 2 1/2 to 5 years to run it's course. However, I wouldn't lock in on that. What gets me through is prayer. You must not focus on circumstances. Stop talking to friends about the situation. If you have one good male friend who is supportive, talk to him. No matter what you say, it will get back to her and sabotage your efforts. You want to do nothing that will allow her to continue blaming you. All of these people have affairs. You can get past it. Sooner or later it will be OM aggravating her, not you, because you aren't doing or saying any aggravating things. Read my email to the previous poster and check out those web sites. They are very supportive. I'll check you out on WAW syndrome.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Thanks, I have read your posts. She has been acting and dressing like she was 21 for a couple of years now, so according to opinion, she has been in this for at least 2 years. I was with her at thanksgiving yesterday, for the first time, socially, in over a month. She looks worn, aged. I see what everyone is talking about now. I do not talk about her with anyone, except one friend, unless its here. Yes, I found out stuff got back to her so i clammed up.
Her father had invited me for thanksgiving, way ahead of her and told me yesterday he preffered my company while she is this way. He said he can see right through her fake laugh and smile and it pisses him off. My MIL went through the same, butmy FIL was physically abusive and did get therapy after she left him. I have done nothing but be the perfect husband. She slipped a few times yesterday and kept calling me hon. That is what she always called me before. for 5 months its been D..... or hey or hello?. FIL picked up on it. I read a posting here about a woman who came out of it after watching her husband playing with a kid just rolling a ball back and forth. Yesterday me and my grandson, he's 2 and just way too cute, were playing football. He wanted me to sit onthe floor and do "rolling". so I did without any thought to what I had read here. He was laughing so hard he kept tipping over. My W was laughing and watching us the whole time. My FIL had to get up and go into the kitchen to hold back his tears. He told me she was just watching you, staring at the two of you playing. I was a huge partier. Last year at that time I was passed out drunk on the couch. I have a lot of changes in my life, rededicated myself to what is important and got my head out of my a... AmyC and Sandi and a few others have been incredible support and have been keeping me focused. I didn't make too much out of yesterday other than the fact that after she was there for about 15 minutes i wanted to leave. My MOO was always to leave when i was uncomfortable or upset. I 180d that one. People were supportive andI had some good conversations with my FILs girlfriend who went through this. she didn't go back to her husbnad because he was a drunk and lazy and just a drain on her. Grass was definitely greener on the otherside for her. she says my W will see it isn't for her. She told me my FIL was watching me all day andgave me credit for being happy, being cool, and being very cordial. He says he doesn't know how i did it. Let me tell you, if it wasn't for the support I get here, i would not have gone. and as AmyC pointed out, I would have what if'd myself to death. I think I got at least two positive signs yestrday, small, but they were there. I know this will take a while to get through. I also know that the POS OM called while we were sitting around adn i was playing with grandson. She dismissed it and continued to watch me and my grandson play, even encouraging me to do this with him and do that with him and remember how you used to do this with our kids. There is no doubt in my mind she saw me as she did many years ago with our own kids. I was big into wrestling around with them and laughing and doing whatever. It was my greatest joy at the end of the day. It was a great time in our lives. My therapist had told me that at some point in time she will see or hear something that will throw her back toa time when she was madly in love love with me. He claism that is the time when they begin the long trek back. He told me she must see you, when she does, as the man she always loved. I do not pursue, pester or cvontact her. she contacts me for whatever. I am no longer her safety net and she is aware of that. i would have regretted not going yesterday. My D commented on how nice i was dressed yesterday and the W agreed. she says dad always looks good when he goes out, he's like a woman, always making sure he looks good, like he's meeting someone. The W reply was really?. I willpost both here and on my site to get as much feedback and support as possible. I feel good today, would feel better if she had crashed yesterday and fell apart in my arms, but that's a dream for a different night.
there is evidence that she has been going through this for about 2 years. dressing like she was 21, party mode all the time, vacations without me. You name it, I've seen it. the 5 months is the apart segment and it seems like an eternity. Some of my close friends, and hers, are thinking that soon this situation will cross the point of no return. they explained to me that they mean not that she will neverwant to return, they are worried that it will get to the point where I don't want her to return. that is scaring some of our firends. I smile and thank them for their concern. Problem is, thats what scares me. How much is enough and how much is too much. I have thought a loty about that lately. I have not drawn any lines int he sand or put a limit on my stress level, but it is coming to a point where I cannot take her callus nature to all of this much longer. My anger levels towards her are higher than ever the past couple of weeks, most likely due to the holidays, but it is anger. And like the Incredible Hulk, no one likes me when I get angry.
I definitely feel she has been in some place or wandering for at least two years. She seems to walk in circles, and as of late, have stopped watching and waiting. any advice, any pointers anything I can try other than my going dark and dealing with my D and my life.
I'm starting to worry I married my husband in the middle of his MLC, not that I know if it is that.
He didn't even look at me tonight. He did start conversation re work. Complaining, I agreed with him and said must be annoying and he just grunted. He's more friendly with the cats lol.
He didn't ask about my day at all. He is texting or on internet mobile all the time so I just left the room as I thought I might say something I regret.
Not sure if what I'm doing is correct. A waiting game I guess. The tension is awful. He was very angry earlier because he dropped a plate, he is never like that. Shouting at top of his voice. I feel like an intruder in my own home.
I guess it's best to distance yourself so it doesn't affect your mood.
Maybe go to the gym or for a walk when he gets home and he's in one of those moods, or go take a long bubble bath, read a book in a different rm. Anything to get you away from the negativity. It can really bring us down. I know when my H is in one of his moods I can feel my heart begin to race, and I feel so anxious and nervous. Lately I have just been getting out of the rm. I'll put my headphones on or watch a DVD on the portable DVD player, b/c it's so personal. Sometimes he asks what I'm watching (although he knows my friend lent me an entire season of a show I like) then he'll squeeze in to watch it. On saturday he asked if I can turn it off and watch a movie with him. I just don't have the energy anymore to feed into his negative moods when he is in one. I think you should begin to just get away from them too. That's just IMO.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
In late May my wife had a death in her family and she has been under a lot of stress.By July she started saying terrible things to me,but it would be ok.She is showing a lot of signs of a midlife crisis.we are currently seperated she is seeing a counselor that has a hunch at somepoint this would have happened regardless of who she married.we have been together 18 yrs and she is 37 yrs old,late july she said she did love me,i didn't realize i was pushing and it spiraled down hill too quick.we have been seperated for 2 months and our relationship has not gotten anybetter.I am following the last resort techniques.Is there a difference between a female or males midlife crisis?can someone tell me what to expect and chances of putting this back together?I really need help,a teenage daughter and a 11 yr old son need a family and i love my wife.
Oh we are currently switching weeks at the house,but she is saying don't worry about her focus on me build a relationship on the kids.But I am the only one her tone of voice changes with if she talks to me.She is seeing a counselor to help her find her voice and empower herself.Ideas would be great.
ok I'll figure out how to do a thread. Even though she left my laundry in an angry pile, on the dryer. i did wash her clothes, i haven't decided to put hers away or not. i always did in the past and she's no's i'm angry, so do i not do it, or show a little something about my character and what she's going to be missing.she's not mad at me for being nice.
HANG ON BY YOUR BOOT STRAPS... I dont mean to sound negative...but this is something that will take lots of time....I have been on this ride for over 2 yrs. I have no contact with my husband...he is living with the o/w.... he has pretty much put us out of his mind.... At this point and time in my life all I have is God to help me. With all the emotions that go thru us when this happens, feelings of desertion,lonliness,of I just cant go on. They are no longer the people they were....and I know you can tell by the way she speaks to you. Really look into her eyes and you will see them so differently than they did before MLC doesnt even look like their eyes....just dark and empty looking. Before coming here I never even thought of MLC but it is a real thing they are going thru.....keep reading in here and learn all you can. This is very, very hard but you can and will survive it.
I have been keeping a thread but not getting much feedback so I though I'd drop in here for a visit since I am reading alot on these boards and believe mlc is the place to start working on for me. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1855103&#Post1855103 I have seen that I am terribly needy and pursuing and if I don't fix that I am in big trouble.It will be hard for me because I have so many reasons in my head and excuses to make it easy to just lie in a dark room and suffer.Tips will be appreciated. Also I have alot of anger and feel like why bother I dont even like him anymore? Even when he is trying to get along he irritates me or I am not over that previouse pain and am waiting for the other shoe to drop.If I dont get over this I will be sure to undermine any progress we make.Need help with this please or direction to a thread that will help please.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I have been posting in affairs, but I think I will be moving over here. H definately seems to fit the MLC criteria, but is a bit young. Either way, this seems like where I need to be. More of the traditional DBing approach and longer term support for standing I am looking for over here. Going to write my DBing history and start a new thread this weekend.
That is very helpful Kansha. The thing I find hardest is to listen....two days ago my H wanted to talk and started with saying that is EA is now feeling guilty about ripping our family apart, and that its is not her fault. i couldn't help myself, I had to say something. I should make it my mantra: shut up, shut up, shut up and listen!
yesterday, my boss told me that I was slacking. I felt so bad for letting the team down and letting her down, but I am just human and hurting. But I couldn't help but be bitter, think about what H is doing to me, destroying me. Sgain, reading your post makes me realize its not personal, he has to get over his MLC. He used to be such a responsible H and Dad.
W=49 H=44 D= 11 M=12 going on 13, T= 16 Bomb = June 26, 2010
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Mike85 - hand in there, do the DB'ing, trust the universe that what should happen will happen. I'm in the same boat. You're not alone. Learning to DB takes so much strength and longer than you would think. Be strong!!!!!!!
______________ married - 24 yrs sons - 23,21,13 bomb - March 2011 EA discovered - April 2011
Hi K, Thank you for that note! I am sufferimg too from H's MLC. the only thing is that he won't talk to me, acknowledge me,or respond to me about our son. I decided that I would handle our sons needs on my own. I am reading eagerly all the info about MLC. I am now understanding the process. I pray for my H everyday that he pulls out of this. How long does this MLC last? 30 days, I wish? Anways Thanks you for the encouragment.
Evening everyone. I am new to DB and not sure where to begi I need help! Am I to post a new thread or do I just start with my situation from hell!? Please advise me
My husband is going through a MLC. I just can't understand how I can act as if with a new baby and a ton of responsibilities, and he's just walking away. This is so hard and ridiculous.
Hi Kansha, this was very helpful to read. thanks. How do i know if H is in a MLC or just feels he is really finished with this M?
Does it matter when we DB? Because the things on your list all sound like things we can/should do anyway.
Thanks and take care.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
hi - I am brand new to db - i don't even know if you see this- i don't know how these forums work- but i also wonder about your "boundaries" and what they were. i feel everything you said. i do not know EXACTLY how long my h mlc going on- maybe years - he was "different" - i didn't know it was this huge or serious. I thought he was working thru something of his own- and we were (silly me) okay at the end of the day. i was soooo sure we'd grow old together- now i have not the least idea. found out 1 year ago about affair - secretary from ancient days- don't even know what if he has cheated for 34 years or just last few. i'm thinking i've "felt" the last 4 years something totally wrong. anyway- i am doing my best to employ db things you did- it's good to know other people out there and they survive. didn't think i would for awhile- like maybe might spontaneously just die of grief. we've been together 34 years- not married tho- i want to fight for this rather than lay down and die- but i wonder if i am crazy or not. my heart still wants him "back" to who he was - my brain says , well, doesn't know what to say. maybe run - he goes to one house for 3 wks - then comes to this one & me for a couple- he calls pretty much each day - unless away w/ ow. i am so confused- on one hand grateful he cares about me and still wnats me in his life- on other hand- soooo offended he can risk this all for that. any insight? is it simply a matter of go with your gut til your gut says run? i'm managing to get more detached & not talk about it, and have patience & silence (a giant accomplishment for me- heart on sleeve kind of gal) i see your wisdom - and the wisdom of this "plan". i'm working on my own shortcomings that i agree with - i'm just lonely & miserable alot so trying this forum to have contact or support or hope or something. i still have hope- find it flagging some days. one year of total realization under my belt- thanks for any one with any comment.
so - what happened with you "in the end" or are you still working on it all? (if that's not too personal)
i'm new & I just read your post , and i'm glad to have read the bit about "i can walk away at any time". it's a good thought - I hate feeling powerless and i am so resentful - some days i feel like just running. - some days i feel like i am duty-bound (for all the good years & good times) to try at least to ride it out til i can't stand it anymore. I am so insulted all the time and my feelings are hurt. I hate the thought tho, of just handing my life over to someone else "without a fight" - whatever the heck that means. i know i can't do a damn thing to change a damn ting- except maybe me. i lose faith sometimes about it - or hope. i know it could be lots & lots worse- but it doesn't feel better so much to know that.
thanks for the encouraging words- it's wierd & hard to try and find a new life at the drop of a hat- or to think he was finding one and i never knew for a long time. why the heck don't men open their mouths and just be honest or talk - or walk or do something other than lie & lead us on? oh well huh? sorry to rant- thanks for insights.
I am in a situation where my H is in MLC and is a WAS with OW. He has not lived at home for 3 months and is away on a business trip with OW. He says he will not give up OW. How can I start to work on these techniques with him so far away and little time talking to him? The first thing I am going to do is not argue on the phone. We have set our conversations to 6-20 mins and I have asked him to tell me 3 words that say how he feels or something to me. This gives perameters of the length and it can be straight to the point.
This week I am not going to call him and will try to miss some calls he makes. I am trying to be mysterious on our doings. We have 3 children, and I am not fostering the relationship btwn them. He doesn't really ask about them or to even talk to them.
Any other hints??? I need help. I really want my husband to "snap back into it" and come back to our family. But I know he alone is the only one who can choose that.
Another thing...I went out and got my own place for my children and I. He is welcome to come with us if he decides, he is always welcome. Do you think this is relationship suicide? Is this saying, "I have given up and don't even try to work on it?" . I don't want to upset him, however, I want to take a firm stand. I am not planning on telling him, he will be finding out we moved when he returns from his trip. I need something to be unpredictable. Do you guys think this is too much?
hi and wow - you sure have alot of guts & gumption. I have a h (mate) in mlc- he is away two or three weeks at a clip , then back for a couple. he's got an affair going on- i hate it .i hate it-
i haven't done anything as exotic as you moving in secret. your h will certainly not view you as a doormat. we're not married and own a house together. i have no legal rights, am treading lightly until i have a job or a firm plan or a life of my own before i "declare war". part of me wishes i had your balls. i am a terminal "over-thinker" - oh well huh? we all have to muddle thru this crap at our own pace in our own way i guess.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. but it's helped me quite alot and i find i run here for some fellow feeling when i'm really brooding & in the pits. it's a good thing. lots of people offer their bits of input- it help[s to gain a perspective from other angles.
anyway- mine says no to letting go of ow also - (back a year ago when i found out and blew up, etc.) - before i found this book and it described him exaclty). honestly- i have no idea how it will all end for me. i have not said it again- i share your problem of no one here to see my little changes and 180s and different me getting a life. i don't know how the hell we make it work - i just try when i see him- i have a hard time not picking up the phone when he calls - but i don't all the time. i'm pissed that i sit here at his mercy - the person who cares less has all the power. there's not a hell of alot of justice going on here.. i don't call him- if you figure out some wonderful way to make your changes obvious over the phone- let me know.
know alot of us are out here trying to do the same things as you- fingers crossed that we can achieve something. good luck . everyone tells me be patient- this is something that doesn't happen over night. i've known for a year, suspected for two and he's been cold & critical for about 4 (God only knows what before that). he's lots nicer lately- i do not know why or what is up- he is not a talker about feelings.
i wonder on and off if i'm crazy to bother- sometimes i'm sure it's worth it. sometimes i think i'm wasting my life- then i think i'm not doing anything better at this moment- so remain calm and flying below the radar. we'll see.
I am apparently lousy at "reading " men- but in my humble opinion i wouldn't think you are killing the relationship- just stating your intentions and what you will and will not live with?! again, good luck - do you know when he returns or just sit and wait.
sorry - i'm such a dope - i didn't see the date and that this is old old post- i'll continue reading- ignore my note i guess - duhhhhhh- i'm not so good at this
i never saw this post - but thanks for the encouragement. this day by day thing is a killer. some days (if i get sleep) i can make do- some days (like today) i feel like the only person in the world. i'm lonely as hell missing my life -
it's been a year of knowing about his ea - i hate knowing it- it was bad not knowing and just wondering. i sure hope you are right that someday it will "pass" .
I am doing db best i can manage- don't talk about r; don't talk about "it", ow, our life. just cruise along acting like i'm having a life. i hate it all sooo much- the duplicity and acting like it's okay. it's soooo not okay.
i know you probably know what i'm saying. i wonder sometimes if it's worth bothering about- i feel it is, then i think perhaps it's wishful thinking on my part. maybe i'm wrong as wrong can be (in light of finding out i've been wrong about him soo many years !!!) how can i trust my gut or brain? maybe he has decided the portion of his life with me in it is dead and over (tho he doesn't end it) and i'm just treading water.
what the????oh well- the confusion is a killer isn't it? guess i'd better go find a person to hang with or go get busy and quit giving in to my feelings. they come and go (according to mwd) i'd never really viewed feelings tht way before reading her books - i guess it's true. they are just what they are at the moment- subject to change at the drop of a hat- an icecream sunday, a nice compliment, etc. i'm clinging to that and hoping they improve today.
take care- good luck - write any time- love commiseration & the support really is helping me alot. good luck- keep strong nero
I am doing db best i can manage- don't talk about r; don't talk about "it", ow, our life. just cruise along acting like i'm having a life. i hate it all sooo much- the duplicity and acting like it's okay. it's soooo not okay.
i know you probably know what i'm saying. i wonder sometimes if it's worth bothering about- i feel it is, then i think perhaps it's wishful thinking on my part. maybe i'm wrong as wrong can be (in light of finding out i've been wrong about him soo many years !!!) how can i trust my gut or brain? maybe he has decided the portion of his life with me in it is dead and over (tho he doesn't end it) and i'm just treading water.
what the????oh well- the confusion is a killer isn't it? guess i'd better go find a person to hang with or go get busy and quit giving in to my feelings. they come and go (according to mwd) i'd never really viewed feelings tht way before reading her books - i guess it's true. they are just what they are at the moment- subject to change at the drop of a hat- an icecream sunday, a nice compliment, etc. i'm clinging to that and hoping they improve today.
take care- good luck - write any time- love commiseration & the support really is helping me alot. good luck- keep strong nero
I know your pain and I am sorry you are going through it -- I feel thesame way some days that it's just not worth it -- then I look at my son and how much he loves the 3 of us as a family - I know that if this were my wife she could never act like this and if I were acting like this she would fight for me too --- I will keep you in my prayers Nero !!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Thank you for posting your list. It really helped me think about ways to keep me focused on myself and not on my situation with my H.
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
I had toyed with the idea of dating here and there, but never had the heart to dive in with the individuals. Didn't feel "right." Then, some of my best students(!) absolutely insisted that I meet their favorite aunt. The students texted her to see if she was still single & open to meeting someone, she was, the kids talked me up to her and made us promise to text each other that night. We did.
Long story short, she was as amazing as her nieces said, and we got married 3/17/12 (two years to the date after that first text). My 13-year-old son was my best man. We're still madly head over heels. I buy her flowers for the 17th of each month and have since we first met.
The XW and I are amicable. We have shared custody of the kids (actually her idea). She married the OM. Funny thing is that he and I get along great right now.
Dunno if I'll check back for replies or not....school and family keep me pretty busy...and happy. Thanks to all for the support way back when.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
SunnyBurst I feel exactly the same way. Exactly. It is beyond horrible & I want to scream at him "No everything is not fine with me you moron because you are destroying our life", but instead I smile & try to act happy all the while I am so sick inside & barely holding onto my job because of lack of sleep & being sick from his MLC. I just keep reading the posts here to see that I am not alone, & neither are you. Take to heart that we feel your pain, but keep on DBing. The one time I slipped up crying begging pleading was the day he did not return - he wasn't supposed to move out for 2-1/2 more weeks but that is what not sticking to the program cost me.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
I know this is an old thread, but I've got a question about what kansha put in her original post. She said that she stopped keeping H updated on what the kids are doing. A few days ago I texted H to tell him about my son's exam results. Should I just have left it and waited until I saw him?
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
The point about not updating her H on what the kids are doing is that she stopped TAKING THE INITIATIVE and talking to him. If your son's exam results were important to note, then telling your H was the right thing to do. HOWEVER, calling your H to tell him what your kids did that day, every day is not the right thing.
He has to initiate.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for the advice Mr Bond I don't tell H about our son on a regular basis, but as you say it was important to note.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Hi, I am new to this forum. My H began acting oddly about 2 years ado. He stopped socializing with our friends and we began socializing with a younger couple (younger by 10 years). H started talking about his age and not having much time to live. He started working out and now has 6 pack abs. He was a loving family man and now he drinks daily and has gotten 7 tattoos in the past 8 months.
8 months ago, he also started hiding his phone. About 2 months ago, I found a text on his phone and discovered the OW. She is the wife of the younger couple we have been socializing with. My H said he doesn't love me any more and he is leaving for good.
He moved in with our daughter for a week, told her he was divorcing me. He moved out of her house and moved in with the younger couple. The OW's spouse is ok with the emotional affair they had for 8 months, since their was nothing physical. He has been living with them for 4 weeks.
He hasn't mentioned or discusses divorce with me yet. He said he has to discuss something with me in person however. I told him I was aware of what he wanted to tell me and that I am not willing to throw away 28 years and that I love him. He became angry and we got off the phone. Before getting off he told me he cant stand speaking to me that i make him unhappy and take im to a bad place. He does not contact me at all. I have had to send him text msg. Regarding his spending, sons college, and recreational equipment.
I am not sure what to do. I resent that he is living with that couple and I resent that my daughter and her husband go there to visit I'm. The OW and her husband seem to have a very strong hold on my H. I am not a fan of theirs and they are vindictive people.
I'll take any advice I can get. I am very lonely, frightened and just wish I could have my loving husband back. I am not sure what to do. Wishing he would move out of their house! Isn't that going to get old after a while?
Sorry you've found yourself here GMD You need to tell everyone your story on the newcomers thread so people can respond personally to your story. Initially what you need to do is to not text him at all for now. Leave it a week or two to let the dust settle. Do you have friends or family that can rally round for the next two weeks? At the moment your H is angry and nothing you can do or say can change him. At this moment in time your H has left your marriage. He may return at a later stage and there's nothing wrong with having that little bit of hope that he will return. After the initial shock and upset is over, you need to start working on yourself. This is for your mental and physical health. He does sound like he's in a MLC and yes his friends may be egging him on. I thought this at the start when my H first left me, but now I don't think he sees his original friends. This novelty of living with another couple will wear off eventually, we would hope so anyway. Right now you've got a long road ahead of you. Get yourself a new thread on the newcomers page and then you'll get a lot more help. Let me know on here once you've got a new thread. Look after yourself and take care
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
180...yes, if he wanted to know he would've asked. I know how tough this part is. There are SO many times I want to call and share something that I saw or that the girls have shared with me. I don't.
If he asks, I answer other than that , no volunteered info.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
hi everyone -- it has been a bit of time since I have been here on site -- my family is 8 months into this mess. My wife and I are doing ok, I think, but I was hoping to get some help. I am having a very difficult time watching my wife suffer so badly in one area: the manic 24/7 energy she is experiencing. She just can't seem to settle down at all. I do not critique, and try to make her laugh about it when I can, but I would love to know if there is something I can do to help. She told me yesterday that if she was not always moving that she would worry about going completely crazy...this is the only thing that has scared me so far in this process ... (except loosing my wife, of course)
We really spoke about what is going on with her for the first time yesterday, and I told her again that I would not give up on her, on us, or on our family. I think she finally heard me this time. I also told her that I knew there was an OM (likely EA, but I am not sure). I told her that I did not believe in adultery or divorce, but that I understood and would stand by her. She told me that she thought that was completely unfair to me; I explained that it was not up to her to define what I was willing to sacrifice for our family. Good solid day yesterday, and a good weekend ...
can any of you help me understand this manic energy thing?? it is very, very hard to watch someone you care about go through that ... thanks!
I am new to this page but most definitely not new to mlc and infidelity (several years and counting). In short my husband is in the midst of a major mlc triggered by various stressors and some fairly awful childhood issues. I am not going to write out my entire story here tonight as I am just too tired but some time I will. Mine isn't the worst or most horrific case out there but it's well past the half way mark, if you get my drift. The reason I'm here tonight is that I have a question and I would welcome some insight from those of you further travelled along this road whether you are betrayed and left behind or a wayward husband in the midst of his own crisis. I promise I won't judge - I have seen too much anger, hurt and devastation to be pious or prejudiced. Just an honest answer please. I have read and understood a fair amount about the stages of a mlc. However does the bomb drop always come at the beginning of replay or can this stage already be well and truly entered into? Does replay begin when the affair is still emotional or only after it becomes physical? Can the affair continue into the depression and withdrawal stages or does the affair partner have to be out of the picture completely? Please can someone explain how you can tell if the acceptance stage has started and they are going back into the tunnel to close the doors on the various stages? Do they go back as far as replay and how many times do they go back to each stage? Everyone and every situation is different, this I understand, but your experiences would be appreciated! Thank you. Meldb
However does the bomb drop always come at the beginning of replay or can this stage already be well and truly entered into? Does replay begin when the affair is still emotional or only after it becomes physical? Can the affair continue into the depression and withdrawal stages or does the affair partner have to be out of the picture completely? Please can someone explain how you can tell if the acceptance stage has started and they are going back into the tunnel to close the doors on the various stages? Do they go back as far as replay and how many times do they go back to each stage?
First you would be better off starting your own thread.
BD normally comes about 1/2 way to a 2/3 of the way through REPLAY. That being said don't get the idea that the TIME will go fast after BD. We could be talking about many, many years.
Normally it is taught here that as long as their is an affair partner they are still in REPLAY.
As far as Acceptance goes, I really only know what I have read and observed on the boards. You may not know when they are in acceptance, and yes they go back through all the stages. Best to forget all the stages and not worry about them. Stages are best viewed looking in retrospect after the crisis is completely over. Other than that it is very likely that you will be wrong about anything you are viewing. When Jim Conway wrote the stages I believe he was talking very much in generalities and depending on each crisis you may see other scripts or cycles within each crisis.
Describing the crisis as a slinky works best for me. You go round and round and end up in almost the same place.
My bomb drop was in January 2013, so 18 months ago and counting. Or rather given up counting and focusing on self and children.
As a matter of interest when in replay does the affair start and is it normal or when do they try to reconnect with their children and come home then panic and run off again. I guess this could be cycling and it is sure confusing me, and the children (daughter 18 and son 12 but son is mentally handicapped and autistic and has developmental age of a 4 year old).
Hope things are working out for you. How long have you been doing this for?
Wow, this is a tall tall list. A lot to apply and change. So much has already changed, but now I'm looking for positive changes, mostly for me. I started the first of summer to start changing my life and building my self esteem. But as I read this list of yours, I saw so many things I need to do to stop the craziness. I find it very hard to do some of them, but I will do them anyway. I have made a decision. I am so grateful to have this place to come to, because I have had no one to really talk to. I have so much bottled up, I always wanted to talk, to express my feels, so I picked my husband, my life mate, the man who I should feel safe to say anything to, huh, well, I was wrong about that. It's good to know this and it is ok. I ready to get off the roller coaster!
Last edited by Cristy; 10/20/1404:08 PM. Reason: please protect your identity, do not use your complete name
To add to my posting above, this is Jeanne7. I'm ready to get off the roller coaster,but I'm having trouble and need guidance.I really do not have the tools in what to do that will reverse all the damage that has happened. I have been reading a lot of these postings and I find it logical but Logic is hard to do when I'm such an emotional mess. I called a friend who told me about Divorce Busting and she even gave me a book on it. The book really gave me new ideas. I really thought if you express or articulate your feelings well enough the husband would wake up and smell the coffee, boy was I wrong! Quit the opposite. He doesn't want to know when he hurts me or when I've been rejected. When is the husband accountable for his actions in this program? I'm hoping to get there but I have to start at the beginning. I'm ready. My husband and I are both in our mid 50's I started MLC about 10 years ago. It was very hard because pre-MLC I was easy going and nothing bothered me ...to much. I say back 2006 we had a 5 year plan, BIG MISTAKE! That is when he went back to school to get his Masters in Business. His reason is so it would be job security. So if laid off again, he would be more marketable. I thought it to be a smart move and I agreed. We were still raising our youngest daughter and our middle son had just graduated from High School. My daughter approaching High School meant that I would be very involved in School activities. My husband now is my 2nd marriage, and we just hit our 20 years! We did celebrate because we both felt we needed a long awaited break and we went to California. It was good, it was just him and I and no distractions. No familiar people who made me feel like we were never along. But everything changed and we both went back into status quo actions and responses, or lack of response. I would say my husband started MLC about 7 years ago. I really had no idea that all of this could just be him. I really blamed myself for a lot of the arguments. H e clearly pointed them all to me, I was the problem, it's my fault, it's all in my head, I am crazy. That is to say a few things he was always saying to me. I know I was very confused, lonely and heart broken, that my husband who always loved me, supported me, spoiled me and made me his one and only in his world started changing little by little and I began to realized that it was, I, living in a fantasy world. I was really looking through rose colored glasses. All I can say is I was heart broken and I still am. I really can look back an see where it all began and how I would change things if I could go back in time. I need someone to help me. Their is so much more, I haven't even touched the surface. But my eyes are filled with tears and the old emotions are still in me. I need to move ahead but I don't know how.
Don't know if you're still around. I just caught this post and want you to know that we're not ignoring you.
You should copy your posts and start a new thread for yourself in the Midlife Crisis forum.
That way people will respond to your there and will be able to keep track of your story.
Hang in there,
----(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Does MLC make them think that they have no feelings or love for you?
I can't answer that but my husband told me that he doesn't love me anymore. He use to he said but not anymore. He said you can stop loving someone that fast.
You need to tell everyone your story on the newcomers thread so people can respond personally to your story.