My husband is going through a MLC. I just can't understand how I can act as if with a new baby and a ton of responsibilities, and he's just walking away. This is so hard and ridiculous.
Hi Kansha, this was very helpful to read. thanks. How do i know if H is in a MLC or just feels he is really finished with this M?
Does it matter when we DB? Because the things on your list all sound like things we can/should do anyway.
Thanks and take care.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
hi - I am brand new to db - i don't even know if you see this- i don't know how these forums work- but i also wonder about your "boundaries" and what they were. i feel everything you said. i do not know EXACTLY how long my h mlc going on- maybe years - he was "different" - i didn't know it was this huge or serious. I thought he was working thru something of his own- and we were (silly me) okay at the end of the day. i was soooo sure we'd grow old together- now i have not the least idea. found out 1 year ago about affair - secretary from ancient days- don't even know what if he has cheated for 34 years or just last few. i'm thinking i've "felt" the last 4 years something totally wrong. anyway- i am doing my best to employ db things you did- it's good to know other people out there and they survive. didn't think i would for awhile- like maybe might spontaneously just die of grief. we've been together 34 years- not married tho- i want to fight for this rather than lay down and die- but i wonder if i am crazy or not. my heart still wants him "back" to who he was - my brain says , well, doesn't know what to say. maybe run - he goes to one house for 3 wks - then comes to this one & me for a couple- he calls pretty much each day - unless away w/ ow. i am so confused- on one hand grateful he cares about me and still wnats me in his life- on other hand- soooo offended he can risk this all for that. any insight? is it simply a matter of go with your gut til your gut says run? i'm managing to get more detached & not talk about it, and have patience & silence (a giant accomplishment for me- heart on sleeve kind of gal) i see your wisdom - and the wisdom of this "plan". i'm working on my own shortcomings that i agree with - i'm just lonely & miserable alot so trying this forum to have contact or support or hope or something. i still have hope- find it flagging some days. one year of total realization under my belt- thanks for any one with any comment.
so - what happened with you "in the end" or are you still working on it all? (if that's not too personal)
i'm new & I just read your post , and i'm glad to have read the bit about "i can walk away at any time". it's a good thought - I hate feeling powerless and i am so resentful - some days i feel like just running. - some days i feel like i am duty-bound (for all the good years & good times) to try at least to ride it out til i can't stand it anymore. I am so insulted all the time and my feelings are hurt. I hate the thought tho, of just handing my life over to someone else "without a fight" - whatever the heck that means. i know i can't do a damn thing to change a damn ting- except maybe me. i lose faith sometimes about it - or hope. i know it could be lots & lots worse- but it doesn't feel better so much to know that.
thanks for the encouraging words- it's wierd & hard to try and find a new life at the drop of a hat- or to think he was finding one and i never knew for a long time. why the heck don't men open their mouths and just be honest or talk - or walk or do something other than lie & lead us on? oh well huh? sorry to rant- thanks for insights.
I am in a situation where my H is in MLC and is a WAS with OW. He has not lived at home for 3 months and is away on a business trip with OW. He says he will not give up OW. How can I start to work on these techniques with him so far away and little time talking to him? The first thing I am going to do is not argue on the phone. We have set our conversations to 6-20 mins and I have asked him to tell me 3 words that say how he feels or something to me. This gives perameters of the length and it can be straight to the point.
This week I am not going to call him and will try to miss some calls he makes. I am trying to be mysterious on our doings. We have 3 children, and I am not fostering the relationship btwn them. He doesn't really ask about them or to even talk to them.
Any other hints??? I need help. I really want my husband to "snap back into it" and come back to our family. But I know he alone is the only one who can choose that.
Another thing...I went out and got my own place for my children and I. He is welcome to come with us if he decides, he is always welcome. Do you think this is relationship suicide? Is this saying, "I have given up and don't even try to work on it?" . I don't want to upset him, however, I want to take a firm stand. I am not planning on telling him, he will be finding out we moved when he returns from his trip. I need something to be unpredictable. Do you guys think this is too much?
hi and wow - you sure have alot of guts & gumption. I have a h (mate) in mlc- he is away two or three weeks at a clip , then back for a couple. he's got an affair going on- i hate it .i hate it-
i haven't done anything as exotic as you moving in secret. your h will certainly not view you as a doormat. we're not married and own a house together. i have no legal rights, am treading lightly until i have a job or a firm plan or a life of my own before i "declare war". part of me wishes i had your balls. i am a terminal "over-thinker" - oh well huh? we all have to muddle thru this crap at our own pace in our own way i guess.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. but it's helped me quite alot and i find i run here for some fellow feeling when i'm really brooding & in the pits. it's a good thing. lots of people offer their bits of input- it help[s to gain a perspective from other angles.
anyway- mine says no to letting go of ow also - (back a year ago when i found out and blew up, etc.) - before i found this book and it described him exaclty). honestly- i have no idea how it will all end for me. i have not said it again- i share your problem of no one here to see my little changes and 180s and different me getting a life. i don't know how the hell we make it work - i just try when i see him- i have a hard time not picking up the phone when he calls - but i don't all the time. i'm pissed that i sit here at his mercy - the person who cares less has all the power. there's not a hell of alot of justice going on here.. i don't call him- if you figure out some wonderful way to make your changes obvious over the phone- let me know.
know alot of us are out here trying to do the same things as you- fingers crossed that we can achieve something. good luck . everyone tells me be patient- this is something that doesn't happen over night. i've known for a year, suspected for two and he's been cold & critical for about 4 (God only knows what before that). he's lots nicer lately- i do not know why or what is up- he is not a talker about feelings.
i wonder on and off if i'm crazy to bother- sometimes i'm sure it's worth it. sometimes i think i'm wasting my life- then i think i'm not doing anything better at this moment- so remain calm and flying below the radar. we'll see.
I am apparently lousy at "reading " men- but in my humble opinion i wouldn't think you are killing the relationship- just stating your intentions and what you will and will not live with?! again, good luck - do you know when he returns or just sit and wait.
