I've kept contact with MIL & FIL (especially since W has pretty much abandoned THEM also in her MLC selfishness...) and they told me that W is a little shocked that I've been able to actually survive and thrive on my own - that the house is clean, the bills are paid, and that I actually have managed to [GASP] develop a social life on my own.
Do I still get frustrated, angry, and depressed? Damned straight I do. But, as my (awesome) therapist has pointed out to me, if I didn't have the occasional low point, it wouldn't be normal. She also told me to make time for sadness and anger but to NOT speak out to W or to/around the kids when I'm in that mode. I've learned to vent when I'm alone in the car or alone at home, and not say anything out of anger, hurt, sarcasm, etc. (can't "unring that bell").
I'm still a newbie at this - only five months in since the bomb. Still learnin'
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Thanks for the wise and to the point counsel. It was very timely!
Me:42 H:47 D:17 S:14 D:13 D:13 M: 18 years H filed 6/16/08 (I considered separation 5/08). D final 11/09. EH MLC/alcoholic. Not sure what the future holds..
Help!!! I need to know that there is still hope after a divorce. My ex wanted one and I gave it to him. Now his is living with ow and is in love. Grown a pony tail and sports cars etc and is happy. I want to let go and go on. Let go and let God. Everyone tells me it is over. He is never returning. He never will love you again. Yet in my heart I can not help but realize that it takes two to make it work and that I need to work on me now. He needs this time to work on him. I had my dignity hence the divorce. HE was angry then happy then angry now last month it happened. I have not spoken or emailed him since August. In my heart I see the foolishness of all of this. That in this world there is hope for reconcilliation at any point when there is something that you find that you miss and realize you are both more aware, mature and still want it to. I only pray someday he will. I emailed the last one that I forgave him and wanted to talk but need time for me now as I was hurting. He respected that or perhaps was relieved or maybe just does not care, right now with ow. Please help me.
There are many cases of restoration of marriage after divorce. The woman who founded Rejoice Ministries has a restored marriage after divorce. http://www.rejoiceministries.org However, there is a definite suggested approach to this restoration. Another web site I recommend is http://www.midlife.com. As for what he said to you, they all say that. Even the ones that end up coming home. He appears happy, but he will soon see that you aren't the source of his problems, because you aren't around. Statistics prove that most of these relationships do not last, and that most of the ones that last a while do not end in marriage. Most of the ones that end in marriage do not last. I have a friend whose H remarried, then divorced the OW after 3 years and is now reconnecting with my friend. If you are willing to love your H in spite of what he does and use the approach that is suggested to you, you will have a chance for a restored marriage. This is not easy. I have not seen my wife in 3 years. You will have to let this MLC run its course. You must let go of him, turn him over to God, and spend the time working on what you can change:YOU! Come to the midlife board and get the support you need. With the DB board, Rejoice Ministries and Midlife, you will get tremendous support and all the tools you need to weather this storm. Know that this won't end next week, next month, or possibly next year. Be prepared for a long haul. This will test your mettle far more than anything you've experienced, believe me. God bless you. I'm so sorry you have to be here.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
I am posting over at the WAW section. My wife, I believe is in midlife based on her dropping the bomb speech and everything else. I am 5 months into this and have received tremendous support form this board. I have been doing the db'ng and I am doing well on a a personal level, but my emotional level is still waivering. She is with OM which makes it difficult. It took me time to realize that none of this had anythng to do with me, relaitionship or my marriage, this site really brought things to perspective.
I find myself wanting to throw in the towel, sometimes it seems like too much. I give credit to everyone who has survived and reconciled, but my fear now is that she doesn't appear to be coming back, ever. I know there are no guarantees in this. I have spent the last 5 months working on myself and have done very well. she lives with one of her friends in a room in her house. I have packed up ll her clothes and taken down all pictures of her. there is no sign in my house that she ever existed. her comments to her frineds, "I'm glad he's moving on". I know I am not supposed to believe anything that comes out of her mouth, but it all still hurts to think he is thinking this way. Do you have any advice for getting thru the low spots and what keeps you motivated? I am thinking that I haven't gone to church and since I've been trying everything I am tinking of giving it a whirl. I am thinking it is out of my hands, everything is up to her so maybe I should put it in his hands. I will see her tomorrow for thanksgiving at her dad's. I wasn't gonna go but my two younger D's will be there and they want me to go. I have not said more than 5 sentences to her in over a month. Our only communication is texting a couple of times a month for her to pay her share of the car insurance. financially she is not good at all. I am caught up with all my bills, no late notices a all. First time in over a year. Looking for advice and some happy ending stories. Is it possible top really reconcile after she has been with another man, and i don't know if i can last another month let alone 1-3 years. Thanks
5 months is no time at all. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's true. It is said that MLC takes 2 1/2 to 5 years to run it's course. However, I wouldn't lock in on that. What gets me through is prayer. You must not focus on circumstances. Stop talking to friends about the situation. If you have one good male friend who is supportive, talk to him. No matter what you say, it will get back to her and sabotage your efforts. You want to do nothing that will allow her to continue blaming you. All of these people have affairs. You can get past it. Sooner or later it will be OM aggravating her, not you, because you aren't doing or saying any aggravating things. Read my email to the previous poster and check out those web sites. They are very supportive. I'll check you out on WAW syndrome.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Thanks, I have read your posts. She has been acting and dressing like she was 21 for a couple of years now, so according to opinion, she has been in this for at least 2 years. I was with her at thanksgiving yesterday, for the first time, socially, in over a month. She looks worn, aged. I see what everyone is talking about now. I do not talk about her with anyone, except one friend, unless its here. Yes, I found out stuff got back to her so i clammed up.
Her father had invited me for thanksgiving, way ahead of her and told me yesterday he preffered my company while she is this way. He said he can see right through her fake laugh and smile and it pisses him off. My MIL went through the same, butmy FIL was physically abusive and did get therapy after she left him. I have done nothing but be the perfect husband. She slipped a few times yesterday and kept calling me hon. That is what she always called me before. for 5 months its been D..... or hey or hello?. FIL picked up on it. I read a posting here about a woman who came out of it after watching her husband playing with a kid just rolling a ball back and forth. Yesterday me and my grandson, he's 2 and just way too cute, were playing football. He wanted me to sit onthe floor and do "rolling". so I did without any thought to what I had read here. He was laughing so hard he kept tipping over. My W was laughing and watching us the whole time. My FIL had to get up and go into the kitchen to hold back his tears. He told me she was just watching you, staring at the two of you playing. I was a huge partier. Last year at that time I was passed out drunk on the couch. I have a lot of changes in my life, rededicated myself to what is important and got my head out of my a... AmyC and Sandi and a few others have been incredible support and have been keeping me focused. I didn't make too much out of yesterday other than the fact that after she was there for about 15 minutes i wanted to leave. My MOO was always to leave when i was uncomfortable or upset. I 180d that one. People were supportive andI had some good conversations with my FILs girlfriend who went through this. she didn't go back to her husbnad because he was a drunk and lazy and just a drain on her. Grass was definitely greener on the otherside for her. she says my W will see it isn't for her. She told me my FIL was watching me all day andgave me credit for being happy, being cool, and being very cordial. He says he doesn't know how i did it. Let me tell you, if it wasn't for the support I get here, i would not have gone. and as AmyC pointed out, I would have what if'd myself to death. I think I got at least two positive signs yestrday, small, but they were there. I know this will take a while to get through. I also know that the POS OM called while we were sitting around adn i was playing with grandson. She dismissed it and continued to watch me and my grandson play, even encouraging me to do this with him and do that with him and remember how you used to do this with our kids. There is no doubt in my mind she saw me as she did many years ago with our own kids. I was big into wrestling around with them and laughing and doing whatever. It was my greatest joy at the end of the day. It was a great time in our lives. My therapist had told me that at some point in time she will see or hear something that will throw her back toa time when she was madly in love love with me. He claism that is the time when they begin the long trek back. He told me she must see you, when she does, as the man she always loved. I do not pursue, pester or cvontact her. she contacts me for whatever. I am no longer her safety net and she is aware of that. i would have regretted not going yesterday. My D commented on how nice i was dressed yesterday and the W agreed. she says dad always looks good when he goes out, he's like a woman, always making sure he looks good, like he's meeting someone. The W reply was really?. I willpost both here and on my site to get as much feedback and support as possible. I feel good today, would feel better if she had crashed yesterday and fell apart in my arms, but that's a dream for a different night.
there is evidence that she has been going through this for about 2 years. dressing like she was 21, party mode all the time, vacations without me. You name it, I've seen it. the 5 months is the apart segment and it seems like an eternity. Some of my close friends, and hers, are thinking that soon this situation will cross the point of no return. they explained to me that they mean not that she will neverwant to return, they are worried that it will get to the point where I don't want her to return. that is scaring some of our firends. I smile and thank them for their concern. Problem is, thats what scares me. How much is enough and how much is too much. I have thought a loty about that lately. I have not drawn any lines int he sand or put a limit on my stress level, but it is coming to a point where I cannot take her callus nature to all of this much longer. My anger levels towards her are higher than ever the past couple of weeks, most likely due to the holidays, but it is anger. And like the Incredible Hulk, no one likes me when I get angry.
I definitely feel she has been in some place or wandering for at least two years. She seems to walk in circles, and as of late, have stopped watching and waiting. any advice, any pointers anything I can try other than my going dark and dealing with my D and my life.
