On my Thread, "The Long Journey Home-an MLC Journey" I posted these within the text. Since it is so very long I decided to extract them and put them in a neat list that you can copy. For the long version feel free to go to my thread.
I am saying a prayer for you, that you find the help and comfort that you need. You are not alone, God is with you always. We here at the DB are too. Hugs
Here are a few things I did to DB my H while all the craziness was going on:
·I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.
·I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was. ·I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.
·I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.
·I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. (If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.)
·I worked on my self-esteem.
·I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.
·I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.
·I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.
·I tried different 180’s.
· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.
·I became mysterious.
· I stopped initiating any conversation.
· I went to my room as soon as he came home.
· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.
· I never made plans that included him.
· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.
· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.
·I avoided OR talks.
· I stopped confronting him.
· I left the room first and ended conversations first.
·I was always friendly but distracted.
·I stopped defending myself.
·I listened to him ad- nauseum.
· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.
·I took antidepressants
·Went to counseling by myself.
·Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)
·I took stock of what about myself could be improved and did so.
·I prayed
·I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.
·I gave the whole situation over to God.
The above are a "few" of the things that I did.
Sometimes I felt like a doormat. But always reminded myself that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to and I could change my mind at any time.
About choice: So many times in the MLC journey it is so easy to feel powerless and that our H/W's have all the control. Reminding myself that I could check out anytime I liked was (is) really helpful in feeling more in control.
About anger and blame directed at us: I always told myself as my H blasted me, that I could stand there and listen or I could turn around and walk out.
One more thing that was helpful is even though I listened I never accepted what my H said as true. I said to myself, "that's how he feels." Before my H's MLC I was apt to take what he said as gospel.
For those that have trouble keeping up the PMA(who doesn't at first)here is something that should help you:
Try to "interrupt" (stop) any "negative" thought you have. Replace it with a positive thought about yourself such as; I am pretty or I am smart. While you are doing that, think of a picture in your mind, that makes you smile and feel warm inside. Do this every time you start to worry, or get that pit in your stomach, or feel sad, powerless, or lost.
This will help you to detach and to keep up the PMA(positive mental attitude) which is critical to successful DBing
I asked my H to please talk to me respectfully. If he continued, I would tell him I am leaving the room or hanging up and then do so.
I asked him not to bring little S around OW. He tried that about 3 times and each time I confronted him. As pleasantly as I could but firmly.
I asked him to not walk through my office to get to the bathroom(he could walk behind me and see what I was typing on the computer)
These are just a few.
Boundary setting was quite a challenge and it just wasn't a: tell him what I expect and forget it. He didn't like it when I opposed him in anyway. I also had to try not sound like his mother.
I will bring up the thread about setting boundaries for you to read.
Thanks Patience: There are so many people that need help here. I'm hoping that by posting this clear list that people will take things from it and be able to implement one or two things a step at time.
But, as you and I know, when you are hurting so much, you really need a kind person to hold your hand and listen. Even now I appreciate a personal response. A word of encouragement.
So, I thank you for yours. How are you feeling? Glad the operation was successful. Keep us posted.
Kansha Great thread. Someimes, actually alot of the time us long time DBers need to be reminded of what works and what doesn't. I had the holiday from hell this past weekend and did some really bad divorce busting. I honestly don't see and end to this MLC crap in the near future. I am dark again hopefully not to resurface until he comes out of this alien holiday he is own.We are fixing to go into month 16. Take care Pam
Thank you Kansha for bringing this up. I'm not familiar with your sitch, but I am very pleased to see that,according to your list of things to do while DBing, I am on the right track. I hope I stay on it. If you read my thread "Am I doing everything wrong?" you'll see that I had to set boundaries too. It was the hardest thing so far, but I felt guided to do it, and I think it's for the best. Thank you again.
