I see your w is h@ll bent on a divorce and from the get go as well. I'm sorry she's bound and determined to do this, but it's par for course for some of the mlcers to do this. Yes, divorce is unnecessary and very costly all for a piece of paper when she could just up and leave and do her own thing and come back when she's done. However, in her little mind, she thinks that she must severe the ties w/you, the relationship and family in order to have the freedom to do whatever she wants. "Freedom is another word for nothing left to do." I bet she can't even tell you want she's got her sights set on these days in the way of freedom to do things. I will say this, the grass in her rose colored shades will turn to weeds and dirt once the the papers are signed and she wakes up. It's called the search for illusive happiness and it is not found in outward things, but must be found within. In time she will discover this.
You see, wanting a divorce and pushing for one is her way to maintain control over the situation as well. They want to show everyone that they are in control, they know what they are doing at all times and no matter what, they are going to get what they want. In the end, when the crisis is over, it will not be what she thought divorce was. She's forgetting that once she's divorced, you are not liable for anything she does, you don't have to be there to pick her up when she's down. She will then have to figure things out for herself. The one important thing that she will be forced to finally do is to focus on herself and her ugly demon issues. Right now, she's not focusing on the healing part of her crisis. She's focusing on pushing and prodding to get the divorce done. Lancer, I understand how you feel. I was there once too, but I did learn and did come to understand very much so why they need to do this. In the end, if your divorce does occur, it's only a piece of paper and if you still love her enough when she wakes up, you can reconcile. I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but when they are on the train heading for a wreck, it's very hard to turn them around. Sometimes it's better to let them wreck and/or self-destruct and heal from the bottom up. I know that she's sucked you into her drama and hopefully you can detach a bit more and come to realize you need to severe yourself from her drama in order to breathe again.
Remember, this isn't about you at all, but about her and what she needs to do to heal from her childhood demons. In the end, what she's been looking for will actually be what she ran away from and destroyed in the process. Sometimes the relationship can be mended and in other instances it can't be. When that time comes, only you will be able to determine if you want to reconcile w/her. I'm hoping she'll come out the other side a more mature, wiser woman than she is exhibiting right now.
I hope you don't mind me chiming in, but this one really hit me...
My Thoughts On Why They Run Away During Their Crisis
Snodderly 06/13/02
Generally the man/woman in crisis has had a terrible childhood. Their childhoods consisted of parents that fought, drank, did drugs, physically and mentally abused their children, emotionally distanced themselves from their children, but most of all abandoned their children. The more I read about the various "learned" personality traits, the more I'm convinced that as children they were mentally abused to the point of not believing in themselves at all. They felt dirty, unwanted, stupid, worthless, their self esteem was shot to hell. The parents had these children, but really didn't love them unconditionally. Most of the "crisis" children have ADHD, ADD, PA, BPD traits. They suffer from bouts of depression, are very good at lying, picking fights, defensive, and tend to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, sex and spending. As I've listened to my friend, I've come to realize that even though "crisis" children appear normal on the outside, they have a constant internal war going on inside of themselves. They have been damaged beyond repair at that young age and it will take many years for them to even feel safe w/another person, if then. They feel very threatened by anyone that comes near them emotionally and physically. They can't handle it because they fear that this person will hurt them or take away whatever it is that they hold near and dear in their lives. As the "crisis" child grows up, he/she tends to be a loner, stays to him/herself and doesn't trust anyone to enter their safety zone. They tend to not show their emotions except in bouts of anger and are very guarded about their thoughts and feelings. They tend to distance themselves from others. I call this the dance, because when a person gets close to the "crisis" individual, he/she will distance enough to not feel threatened. You the spouse will never know the real person that lives within the "crisis" person until the two personalities are merged into one. The person you know is actually the shell of a person and he/she is very good at masking what he/she is really thinking at all times. However, during the major growing times, i.e., 20's, 30, and 40's (mid-life especially), the "crisis" person has another problem. It's at this time that the "crisis" child is starting to raise its ugly head, becomes stronger and wants to voice it's opinions on how that person was mistreated as a child. It's at this time, that the splintering/splitting occurs. This where the crisis child is doing internal battle with the crisis adult. The battle is a 24/7 emotional roller coaster for the adult. The pain, hurt and anger are there 24/7 w/o any relief. I've sat and listened to my friend speak of many things that happened in his childhood and to hear the hurt and anguish in his voice makes me want to cry for him. It is at this time when the emotional pain becomes so great that the adult can't handle any other stress in his/her life. This person doesn't trust the spouse enough to speak about the turmoil inside. They feel that the spouse will not accept them for who they are right at this moment. Why? Because that person has now entered mlc and will be there for a while. That person knows that something is terribly wrong and knows that he/she must leave in order to heal those long ago hurts. If you recall, as children, when we were scared or punished, we all wanted to run away. Remember those times? Well, this is what is happening to your mlcer. They are very scared and very hurt and they only thing that they know how to do is run, as the "crisis" child comes on the scene. The best thing that this person can do for himself/herself is to go see their parents, sit down and actually talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhood and tell the parents just how hurt and angry they are for how they were mistreated. If they don't do this, it will take longer for them to heal.
As spouses and friends of the mlcers, we must always keep in mind that they are in a very fragile state when the "crisis" child gains control. They are so confused and hurt. The anger is not at you, but at what life has dished out to them. It's the hurt coming out and it's really a delayed reaction to how they were mistreated as children. We have to remember to treat them kindly and with compassion during this time. Why? Because this could have happened to you. During the "crisis" child stage, you will be viewed as the mother/father authority figure, therefore you are the one that gets the brunt of what is happening. They are afraid to speak to their parents for fear of what the parents will do to them. Who better than us to get the emotional flack? They know we love them, they just don't know how to deal with the emotional pain that goes so very deep. Folks, I've had many long conversations w/my friend and I can tell you, he is suffering terribly from his "crisis" childhood. Until he resolves his issues and speaks to his father, he will continue to run and never heal.
I hope that this will help some of you better understand what is happening. I'd welcome all of your comments. As time goes by, I'll post more of my thoughts and observations. Mlc is not a pretty sight by any means, especially if the mlcer is willing to sit down and speak to you about how he/she is feeling. That's why it is so very important to be a friend during the crisis. You will learn so much more about what is going on. Keep the expectations to zero and I feel very strongly that your spouses "crisis" child will speak to you. Listen carefully, sift through the garbage coming out of their mouths and the answers are all there. It's not about you, but about them and how they were mistreated as children.
n retrospect, what I have learned is that my own fears of abandonment, led to my attempts to control and change my xw desire to separate. What I should have done, is show my love for her by setting her free. By not having any expectations of her, allowing her to discover who she was, and than letting her be that person.
My attempts to change my xw beliefs on separation and divorce were not coming from my love of her. These actions and behaviors were from my fears.
We can live and act from a belief in love and trust, or we can suffer in a world of fear and doubt. it's all a choice within our control.
Me, too. But how does one REALLY, TRULY let go of those fears and control? There are times I think I've done it, only to find myself 'disappointed' and sad when my expectations aren't met yet again. I am trying to let my H go, but his calling and coming over don't make it easier. How do we truly let go for the good of all?
It is all to do with acceptance. Coming to terms with the issues and accepting them. It does not have to be a confrontation, Twisted_Inside's husband came to his acceptance, by visiting his fathers grave.
My answer is no. Even with deceased parents, issues can be resolved. God works, even in mysterious ways.
It can come in flashbacks, validation from a family member, friend, words of advice, a dream, a song, even through the fears themself, an idea, a window in the mind, somehow the does come after hitting bottom.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Back to the control issue. Right now our spouses for whatever reason have reverted back to their teenage age years. If they were good little teenagers back then for real, now they want to be bad little teenagers this time around. So they are like your worst teenage nightmare come true! If you try to reason with them or talk sense to them, they will resent you and look upon you as a parent figure or authoritarian "controlling" figure. Their "bad" friends (Oms/Ows, divorced people) are who they are hanging out with right now and have an influence over them. Unfortunately maybe the only way we can reach them is to try and be their "friend" rather than a parent figure. This means that we sort of have to overlook some very bad and naughty behavior. Maybe it's like they are in a gang or something and the only way they are going to come out of it is if everything blows up in their faces.
Thanks, Laughing......I see your point...Unfortunately, it seems the only flashbacks H is having concern memories of the bad times.
Seems to be so deep in MLC, he can't even conjure up the good times when D15 or I talk about a vacation or a fun experience. He just has this blank look on his face....D15 will say, "Don't you remember, dad, how much we laughed at such and such?" and H will say, "No, I don't remember".
