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With the kind permission of Snodderly and M Go Blue, and others

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Snodderly (18/11/02) (11/18/02)

I'm going to tell you what I know from experiencing not once but twice. My ex-h began his mlc probably in 1998. The replay is a very gradual stage. To me, it is the second worse stage of mlc. Anger being the first. My ex-h began to use the computer all of the time. He was in chatrooms talking to people about things that didn't make sense to me, but to him they did. He was into porno sites, he watched a lot of tv and slowly withdrew from me and the activities that he once loved. He shaved his head and started dressing like the kids of today. I thought he was trying to get attention. Little did I know that I was in the midst of a living hell. His taste in food, drinks, music and clothes began to change more and more. That summer, we were at every amusement park, carnival and concert that was available. He became moody and started searching on the net in classmates.com for people he went to school with 20+ years ago. He started driving around his old hometown just looking and doing whatever else he did to think about the past. He began looking at old photos and talking about the past w/his family. This was all new to me, since he never talked much about his past. This man was a loner and didn't have many friends. During mlc, the mlcers feel very alone and will isolate themselves from the people who really care. There were times he couldn't account for in his day. He slept a lot and his moods swung back and forth. He would act childish one minute and in the next wanted to be treated as an adult. There were times he wanted to be alone and others he didn't. He began to acquire aches, pains and illnesses. He acquired new friends that were either separated or divorced and were not of his type before. He wanted to take our life savings and put it on the stock market. Money began to disappear from the accounts and that's when I put a hold on the funds. His memory became really bad during this time. Before too long, he was on the net looking for houses to rent. He was talking of moving out every time something didn't suit him. Once he moved out, I discovered the OW. I truly believe had I not finally called his bluff on moving out, he would be at home today or 6 feet under. The OW was ugly to boot. Now, the old timers are constantly repeating to you over and over again, the OW is nothing but a catalyst to help him out the door. She is nothing but someone that he feels he can talk to and get admiration, encouragement and stroking of the ego and yes, SEX. Not what we call making love, but down right SEX. This woman means absolutely nothing to him. He is searching for someone to act as a mother during this part of his crisis. How can you love your mother in an intimate relationship? You can't. So, please keep in mind, she's nothing. Now, during the replay stage, your man is hurting terribly. The pain is awful. There are days when they simply can't get through the day. They will isolate themselves from you and anyone of the present time. They do love you, but it is buried very deep during this time, as the inner child has taken over and has taken them back in time. I have heard it from the PI that I had hired that my ex-spoke of nothing of the present or future. He talked of the past and all that he had done and the type of job he currently has. He did say he lived in my town one time, but that was it. He had gone back in time. I didn't exist until he had a moment of sanity. They tend to put the present and all that's in it in a box and store it away until they need a reality check in the real world. It's not that they don't care about you or how you feel about things, they are just incapable of doing anything for you right now. They are trying to find ways to ease their pain and they sure as hell can't talk to us the people who love them. Don't even think that they are out there having the time of their lives because they aren't. Sure they may go on trips, but the change of scenery lifts their spirits for just a little while and the inner child comes calling them back to their living hell. They may party or spend money, but the pain never goes away. They can't sleep at night because they are afraid of the demons and from dying. They are up all night on the internet or in bars just to keep their minds from driving them crazy. Their brains are racing 24/7 and there's no way to stop the thoughts that are flying around inside. They are pinballing off the walls at times. They have highs and then lows. Their world is not fun nor happy. Take a real good look at your man. Has he lost weight, is he pale and ashen, check out the dark circles, wrinkles, graying hair, dead eyes and above all no smile on his face. Does this spell happiness? No, it doesn't. It tells me that your man is going through an emotional trauma that none of you can ever imagine. They can't talk to us because they are afraid we will tell them to snap out of it and get on with their lives. They are afraid that we will judge them, criticize them or make fun of them. They can't bear to be around us because of their shame and guilt for something that happened to them so long ago. They feel dirty and confused and look at us as the authority figures in their lives. They want us close, but yet they want us to leave them alone to figure things out. Their apartments, etc. become their safe havens and you probably will not be told where they are living. It is the only safe place that they can go and cry and be by themselves to deal w/their crisis and the horrible emotional pain. Their memories become awful. They will tell you that they will come by, email you or phone you. They won't remember. Time for the mlcer is very slow and is not the same for us. You see, your mlcer has gone back in time and must search for what is missing from that growth period. I never understood any of this the first time around. Because I didn't understand what was happening, my ex-h divorced me. I was given the opportunity to go through another crisis w/someone else and you know what? He's doing the exact same things that my ex-h did. Troting right down memory lane. Each and every mlcer will do the exact same things, but in various degrees. Please understand that what your spouses are saying and doing is nothing personal against you. He is dealing w/his crisis in the best way possible. I will caution you, do not threaten, argue, plead, cry or show anger towards your mlcer. It will do no good except make him extremely angry. They are very good at lying, deceiving and manipulating at this time. The person you knew is now the mirror image of the man you were married to. They become totally opposite and you have to accept him as he is today. If you don't, you will have created a lot of heartache for yourselves. The best advice that I can give to each of you is this, be compassionate

The advice I was given three years ago was to leave them alone, allow them to come to you when they need your support. The less you aggravate them, the quicker they will heal.

I know that you are having a very hard time dealing with your man's crisis, but if you continue to allow the OW to enter into your thoughts all of the time, you are giving her control over your situation. She is absolutely nothing to you or your h. He's using her as a bandaid for his pain. Affairs will last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. If you must deal w/your mlcer, always speak to him in a very calm voice and never bring up the OW.

Sooner or later, the OW will slip up and begin to set demands and that's where you will enter the picture w/a safe haven for him. Always, always keep your expectations at zero when dealing w/your spouses.

it's important to step back and not react to their childish ways. Always remember, the more you react to their antics, the more they will do them. Ignore them and eventually the antics will cease. Just like dealing w/a child.

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Snodderly (20/11/02) (11/20/02)

Replay takes a very long time, depending upon their issues. Some can be as short as 7 months and others 2-3 years. Just remember that the less you aggravate them, the sooner they will heal and move on into acceptance

We can handle our situations w/class and strength. They thought we would end up like them--confused, upset, in pain, etc. The happier you are, the worse that they will feel. I've seen this several times. In their sick little minds, they want us to be as miserable as they are, don't go there! A word of advice, never let your h see you upset or crying. They can't handle the guilt of such sightings.


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Snodderly (22/11/02) (11/22/02

I was thinking about the word "simple". Have you ever noticed how your darling little mlcer talks about having things simple, or wanting a simpler life? Well, if you think about it, they are talking about the days when they were young, free w/no obligations, and no one to answer to. What is so very sad about this is that they can't go back in time and be that young again. They are now adults w/obligations, i.e., spouse, family, house payment, car payment, debts and jobs. Life really is never "simple", it's what you make it. The mlcer that is traveling through time thinks that if he can get rid of everything, he/she will be free and have a "simple" life. No, no. It doesn't work that way. They create such a mess along the way and complicate things even more. They destroy marriages, families, their self respect, friendships, etc. They are out there spending to their heart's content, not even thinking about how they are going to pay their bills. They now have two residences to pay for and two "families" to maintain. The OW/OM is going to want more than a smile and pat on the back--they are going to want a good time which entails spending money, etc. The mlcer will either lose their jobs or they will quit them because they are too much for them to deal w/right now. They will take minimum wage positions just so that they have no responsibility, but it's never "simple" for them. "Simple" is an illusion or the brass ring that they can never catch. Just think about what they have to face when they do wake up from being Rip Van Winkles! If they think life was complicated before their journey, whew boy! It will be even more complicated when they wake up.

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M Go Blue (22/11/02) (11/22/02)

The OW/OM is their drug of choice. This person helps them to numb their pain from the past versus deal with it. They run right in to the arms of someone who will understand them and not judge them. The OW/OM are a temporary bandaid to their search for happiness.

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M Go Blue (27/12/02) (12/27/02)

For the spouse who is not in MLC, the perception is always that the MLC spouse is doing things to hurt them. They are not. At least not intentionally.

The MLC person is running from their pain, and are in great fear. They are in search for happiness. They have carried painful emotions inside of them since childhood, and now these feelings have come to the surface again. Instead of trying to understand these feelings, they run from them and seek pleasure to bury their pain.

A MLC person mistakes PLEASURE, for HAPPINESS. The PLEASURE they get out of being irresponsible, self centered, free living is mistaken for finding true happiness. The OW/OM to them brings PLEASURE, which they equate to HAPPINESS.

It is percieved by the LBS that the WAS is the cause of all their pain and unhappiness. Just as the WAS justified their reason for leaving in the first place.

If we place our HAPPINESS in the hands of others, we will be very dissapointed most of the time. Happiness is a choice. We can choose to understand what true happpiness is and then try and make it a part of our daily thinking and attitude.

Happiness is within us. It does not come from the external world of the right spouse, the right home the right car the right job. If we continue to look for happiness through this external power, we will have feelings of nothing is ever "good enough." Seeking contentment with what we have vs. what we don't have is part of the step towards happiness.

When we hang onto the thought that our happiness is determined on whether our spouse comes back or returns to who we thought they used to be, we are not taking control of our own happiness. Happiness is achieved through our own thoughts and attitude, It is not controlled by others. It is within our own control, yet we give that control to others.

The only things within our control is our own thoughts, our attitude, and the choices we make.

Try asking yourself this question before you make your next choice. "Will this choice I am about to make bring me happiness?" I believe it will give you an opportunity to look at your choices from a different perspective.

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M Go Blue (22/01/04) (01/22/04)

As I continually analyze MLC, I believe that those who are the extreme cases, had childhoods where they did not learn how to deal with conflict and emotional feelings.

They were taught and told to stop their crying, quit complaining, and that all emotional feelings were not valid. Basically, they were taught that you shouldn't be feeling what your feeling. That there was something wrong with you if it brought you to a point of crying. Crying was a bad thing. Speaking up for what you were feeling was a bad thing. What they learned was to supprerss their emotional pain and pretend it didn't exist. Many learned to puit of the "Happy face" even though inside of them was filled with anger and resentment for not being able to truly express their feelings.

They learned coping skills versus problem solving skills. They learned to run, hide and live in a world of denial about their pain. Instead of facing their pain head on and learning about themselves and what was the root cause of the pain.

Feelings of insecurity and not being good enough or feeling loved and appreciated were running wild within them as children. As an adult, they finally explode and attempt to take charge of their lives by demanding to be in control at all costs and disregard to others. their pain has reached such a boiling point that they are blinded by all the harm they are doing to others around them. There only concern and focus is to make their pain go away, evn if it causes pain to others.

So what does the MLC spouse do? They set out on a "feel good" path. They begin doing anything and everything that makes them feel good. They look for quiuck fixes or a dose of "feel good" everyday. Be it by drinking, shopping, gambling or losing yourself in the euphoria of a bew love relationship. They enter the world of "la la land." Where everything is wondeful, and it's because they have finally taken control of their life and their own happiness.

It is their duty, or to some, their right to protect this new found good feeling at all cost. To strike back at anyone who challenges them and their new discovery of happiness.

The MLC spouse looks at those closest to them as controlling and the root of all their pain. Any attempts by the LBS spouse to control them or their thinking when it comes to saving the marriage, is to be fought with all force and furry from their buried pain.

The LBS begins to look and act just like the MLC parents when growing up, at least in the eyes of the MLC spouse. The LBS is now enemy . Any attempts to control will be met with anger and hurtful words to get the LBS to back off.

It is deffinetly crazy times while the MLC and LBS do their continual dance. The lesson for all the LBS is, to stop doing the dance. It is only making things worse.

You were very fortunate in having such great teachers as your parents snodderly. The only way to rid yourself of pain is to work through it. Face it head on, as it will no dissapear inb time.

The old saying, "time heals all wounds," to me is only half true. Time can help, but only if you choose to face the pain, deal with it, understand the root of it, and then begin the healing process. All which takes time. And not to forget, great PATIENCE.

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smr, this information is invaluable, and timely. Thanks for doing all this research! This fits W to a T, I think.


"When you're going through hell...keep going."
-Sir Winston Churchill
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This is helpful.


"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
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SMR,
You did a very nice job! Do you need glasses yet from reading all of the archived files? The postings brought back many memories of so long ago and now I just sit back and think. Wow! Did I really post that?

Keep plugging away. There are still many good threads out there that need excerpts taken from them. You may want to do a search on Clarke Kent as well. He was posting around 1999-2001.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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