There is an excellent article in the May/June 2006 AARP Magazine on male depression. The article is entitled "So Tough It Hurts". It's worth the read and it explains why men have a difficult time discussing their feelings w/family and doctors.

HOW CAN I LET GO OF PAIN?

Snodderly,
so nice for me to come back to these boards and find you, and the many others who have given me much support.

I don't expect you to remember my sitch, but I do remember your words you wrote to myself and others when I was really down.

My H ( the firefighter), MLC, had OW and we were S for over 2 yrs., M 26yrs.
If I look back, over the last 14 months, many positive changes in our R, but I realize I do still need the support and patience I gained here on these boards in the past.

H asked to come home 12/05, writes long letter to me, " over with OW"--wrong. I don't think they physically see each other, but of course I am not sure. ( OW lives several hours away,and H home on days off now). We attempt MC, but not much accomplished. H physically home, but very much EA and definitely email and phone contact with her I suspect OW asked him to end, " confusing her children", is what OW wrote him.

H has never/and still not able to speak much of anything relating to R. MC ( the MC was my individual C, and H asked to see her together) we had only 1 session and I realized the importance of keeping her as my individual. However, the C used the term "cognitive distortion" to later describe him to me. To me that means, he just "doesn't get it".? Do any of them? H says he is so guilt ridden that he must learn to " forgive himself" I do want to forgive, but dealing with the silence is the hard part.



There are so many positives with our R: H home, same BR, good SL, recent romantic trip, wearing wedding ring, just enjoying each other, but the minute H sees any R talk involving any pain he caused or any talk involving OW, he totally backs off, depressed, quiet, etc. I have come to realize this is how H has really handled emotions our entire M.

Do they ( WAH, MLC) ever get to a point of realizing the pain they caused? consequences? We can go days seeming like everything is getting back on track, only if I "keep it light". Pretending everythng is ok does not seem healthy to me. I truely believe if I never spoke another R word, he would not either.

It so confuses me, how do we ever repair if we/he can't talk about where we disconnected? How much is my silence enabling him to not truely face what happened. I do think he is seeing me as a good listener, trying to validate and I even told him I realize the pain he must feel. I'm not talking about reminding him of his A, and I do not push MC because the few sessions we had were totally quiet on his part. I'm sure due to his admitting the OW and himself "still talk as friends"

I might be answering my own confusing thoughts, with that word patience again. Yes, he also sees I have come a long way and am working on a stronger me and acknowledges the positives he sees.

I think of the Simon & Garfunkel song with the words:
Silence like a cancer grows.....

that's why I am back to the MLC board and still searching.

Recognizing Feelings

Post deleted by sgctxok

Her Brother's MLC Story

p. 5, look for the post by Juice248.
This is a really personal insight into what a man in MLC is dealing with, posted by his sister.

Hi hopefloats7,
I checked out your link and it is really helpful. Thanks.
Truelove

Great post by Was2Sad:

He will be affectionate, distant, melancholy, and downright hostile in the same hour. Don't take any of it personal and understand that this is his problem not yours. Anything you do or say to make it better is voluntary and noble. You can work on yourself and you should during this time apart, emotionaly time apart that is.

As for his stage, he is on time. He has left the Anger station and is well into the Replay tunnel. He can't come back and must go forward. You won't know how far he has gone or how far he has left, neither will he. It will help to spend a lot of your time reading mlc. Try "Understanding the Mid-Life Crisis" - Peter O'Connor and Any of the mlc books by James or Sally Conway.

Early life unhappiness at home was common, or an incomplete prior life stage. Commonly one has gone straight from school into a M, while working to start a career and build a home. They may have skipped over being a happy go lucky rock star or race car driver. Now they have to relive that period to put nature at rest, and move forward to the second adulthood, never to by young again. At least that is what their mind has determined and there is no way to change that with logic or persuasion. They are in the emotional tunnel.

The more you know the more you can cope with the unknown. There will be times he is totally unknown. They start Replay with two identifiable features. The Replay Affair. The need to "run". If you are not managing the money you should start. They also spend. Some are worse than others about new clothes, cologne, and luxuries. Some act different just to confuse the LBS (that is you of course).

You are currently seeing the need to run. They are overwhelmed with the idea that if only they could just go live in a one room apartment with no responsibility for anyone else but themselves. No bills for the family, no demands, nada. It is not just the men, so anything you read about women in mlc will be about as appropriate. You won't find much. Lucky for you there are a lot of titles regarding men.

You may reach the time that his need to run consumes him. If it does it will be clear because he will be so hard to live with as he desparately wants to be alone. Some couples arange time and space under one roof. It is so very hard to this and takes a huge toll on them even when it works. It is most common that they leave, or you do. In your case it would seem right that he leave if that day comes, so consider how you would arrange it as a defensive wall for yourself. You would not believe how many men try to live at home bragging about another woman and think nothing of it.

Now before you get twisted talking about OW, accept certain facts. If there is one, it is not the problem. IT is a symptom for you to ignore all you can. The problem is his low self esteem, sense of life having peaked on him before he was ready, etc. He will also feel a strange awakening of a huge new ego he needs to stroke. That is what the OW is. That is what the spending is.

The euphoric feeling of this newly awakened ego is as addictive as the worst drug. Once they feel it, they can't make the day without it. They may also talk after the bomb about needing to feel that lightening bolt love for someone like when a person falls in love for the first time (forgetting they are talking to you). It is like they have had their first experience with an amazing narcotic, and they have to have more. Another analogy is that they remember when they first met you and miss that feeling.

Whatever they do in mlc is about them. Whatever they do will probably cause pain to everyone else. They do not take up fishing or gardening. Your job is to keep him from doing you unrepairable financial or emotional harm.

It is easier to consider him a person with a controlling alien inside. I also like the idea of a terrible two year old going through the life stage of learning joy, pain, and all in between.

A must read for LBS's:
{this came from Newman's website}
Another tidbit for the recently Betrayeds out there. This time I'll write more directly to the B.Wives...again it's equally applicable to BH's.

Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.

Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash."

A few fast facts about depression, I found interesting from:

Richard O'Connor, Ph.D., Undoing Depression: What Therapy Doesn't Teach You And Medication Can't Give You (New York, NY: Berkley Pub Group, 1999).


The number of deaths from suicide each year is approximately the same as the number of deaths from AIDS.


Depression is not sadness. In depression, we lose the ability to feel any emotion strongly. The true opposite of depression is vitality - the ability to feel a full range of emotions, including happiness, joy, pride, but also including sadness and grief.


The annual cost of depression to the U.S. economy is estimated at $44 billion. It is second only to cancer in terms of economic impact, higher than the cost of heart disease. Yet, there is no high-profile organization helping with research and treatment such as the American Heart Association, American Cancer Society, Diabetes Foundation, American Lung Association, to name but a few.


Almost 20 percent of Americans have depression, most without knowing it. They just assume that they can't win, that their relationships are always trouble and that hopelessness, insomnia, chronic fatigue, and guilt are their lot in life.


Research estimates that 10 percent of children will suffer a depressive episode before age 12, although as recently as 1980 it was thought that children did not suffer depression.


In the past 25 years, while the general incidence of suicide has decreased, the rate of suicide for those between 15 and 19 has quadrupled.


Many alcoholics treat an underlying depression with alcohol. Their depression makes sobriety doubly difficult. Many substance abuse treatment programs now refer their patients in recovery for treatment of depression.


Procrastination is a hallmark of depression. The depressive puts things off until they seem insurmountable. This reinforces his feelings of self-blame and despair. But it also protects him from ever risking his absolute best effort at any task.


Women are three times as likely to become depressed as men. No one knows for sure why this is the case. Theories suggest that women's social role has historically been less satisfactory, that their hormonal ebb and flow makes them more susceptible, that they are more likely to experience trauma, and that they are simply given social permission to express depression.


Men are five times more likely than women to commit suicide. Instead of permitting themselves to feel the emotional symptoms of depression, men defend against them through dangerous, self-destructive or antisocial behaviors, by somatization (rushing to the ER with chest pains that turn out to be an anxiety attack), or by trying to treat them with alcohol. Many men feel they are faking it, making it up as they go along, always one misstep away from disaster. They try to reassure themselves by swaggering around the house, but they wonder if women aren't really laughing behind their backs. Many abusers use violence to express the frustrations and hopelessness that come from depression.


Six million elderly suffer from some form of depression. Their depression tends to be dismissed as inevitable, but in fact is caused more by poor health and poor sleep than grief, loss or isolation. Among the elderly who commit suicide, almost 75 percent visit a doctor within a week before their deaths, but only in 25 percent of those cases did the physician recognize a depression.


There is no organized self-help movement for depression, despite the proliferation of groups like AA, Cancervive, Better Breathers, Agoraphobics Together, groups for the bereaved, for the divorced, for children of divorce, etc. My book Undoing Depression is the first to present a model for a Depression Self-Help Group.