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#1863828 - 10/28/09 04:57 PM Re: How to "go dark" and is it good timing? [Re: Mongoose27]
P17 Offline

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 925
I am not entirely sold on going completely dark either. I think both of us have the same fear though, that if you let go of your spouse (as you have to when you go dark) then they may not ever come back again. That is my fear.

Part of GALing, doing 180's and going dark, at least for me, is getting the strength to move on should things nor work out. However the alternative to going dark, which in my case was begging, pleading and talking about the A, certainly doesn't work. So the saying 'if you do the same thing, you will get the same results' is relevant. Going dark may work, but it may not. MAY work is better than definitely not working though so it's worth a try.

The best thing I have done, and it's only been a few days is to give up entirely on the relationship. My W is having an A with an OM and they happily live about 500 yards away from my house. My W wants to continue a R with my D (her step-D) and I have tried to keep contact between them but it's not really working. I know, almost for a fact, that when (and not if) I stop contact between my W and my D that I will not here from my W again and the marriage will effectively be over.

However I know that I have to do this. It's not a maybe, or a should or could do, but a have to. I am not strong enough to do this yet but when I am, I know now that in the long run it will be better for me.


So does going dark work?? I mean does it really work or does it just lessen the pain of the loss while allowing the person who is leaving to move on easier? Hurting so I really don't know if have anything to offer the forum.

I don't know if Going Dark works. It must work for some people. What it does do, for me is lessen the pain of the loss. The person who is moving on is moving on regardless of what you do. All this stuff isn't for them, it's for you. It took me a while to get that through my head but it's finally sinking in.

My W has turned into a cold hearted b**ch who couldn't give a stuff what I do. She has moved on with her OM. I need to move on with my life. When the A ends, she may see sense although I doubt it.

They key for me, and maybe for you, is just because you are letting go of your W doesn't mean you are giving up. You give up when you feel it's ready.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y
Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010

"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient."
"Delay is the antidote for anger"

#2025409 - 06/22/10 11:43 PM Re: How to "go dark" and is it good timing? [Re: Mongoose27]
resist failure Offline

Registered: 06/06/10
Posts: 31
Would like advice here!
I have not been answering fiance's calls when he immediately calls me about random things like he found this of mine or that or we need to talk about bills, ect. kind of calling immediately after the day prior he will be not so nice and tell me not to call, it's always on his terms. I just don't know how to handle the calls because most of the time it ends up being not a ligament reason for him to call (not life or death or extreme deadline type needed communication). So do I ignore the calls and talk to him at a later day???

For example (today)he called my cell and house phone to talk about a bill, I not purposely did not get the 3 prior calls. When I didn't return his call within an hour he text
"I was only calling cause I had a question about a bill. No matter sorry to disturb you I will figure it out."
I replied " sorry just saw my phone cant talk at this moment everything alright? call u in a sec?"
He replies "its what ev" "no rush"
I reply "then may I call you when I get home"
He replies "ok ok I said when ev"
i didn't reply

Question how do I handle this??? What is total in the dark? When is it suggested to use this? I want to talk take the opportunity to sound optimistic promising and positive but I don't know how to approach such calls when i wonder if and why he is REALLY calling. Please help
Thank you all!

situation: separated for 2.5 months
together 7 years/engaged 5

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