It's been awhile since I have posted here and I think that I need a little support and encouragement. Hopefully my question will be a big help to others as well.
I am thinking that it may be beneficial to think about "going dark" with my H. We have been separated since January of this year and he is still seemingly in the same place that he was not soon after we separated. Good news is that I think he was strongly considering D but is now (and for the last few months) still "in the middle." He says that sometimes he thinks that we should not get back together and sometimes we should. He also says he doesn't know what it will take to figure it out. I know that is probably a more common thought process from someone in his shoes, but I wonder if maybe I'm not doing everything (or doing less) than I should.
The thing is that he tends to want to talk to me when he is ready and almost avoids me when I am. I can hear the disappointment in his voice when I tend to not be as gracious to be available when he is ready. However, he tends to lately make lots of empty promises where he says "I'll call you on Thursday, etc." and he never does. I get upset, but of course never let on to him. If he isn't going to call me, then don't say that you will.
Maybe I need to be way less available and take a little longer to return his calls? Or should I try "going dark?" What does everyone think?
Also, if you "go dark" do you let on to your spouse that you are taking some time apart and not communicating until you are both really ready? Or do you "just do it?"
I'm swimming in mud most of the time . . . probably not the best to give advice but here goes. You can catch up on my site here: Bonkers I have been semi-dark. H is in Europe with OW. I do have to email his about rare business/home items. I totally cracked up on Sunday. Cried ALL day. Wrote an emotional email saying I was tired of all of this sh#t. Then Monday saw a credit card charge for perfume for OW. More chastising. Not too much but saying he was insensitive as he charged it to what is essentially my account. I haven't had an email from him since Sept. 30. I hope to hear from him this weekend. From these boards I've learned not to beg, plead, etc early on. I found this site about two weeks after the bomb so I didn't do any begging, pleading except for the day that he flew out to Europe (Spet. 1). I've stated that I am trying to leave him alone and am trying to understand how he must be feeling at this stage in his life (validating) and the struggling he must be going through. Dark is good as at least I haven't humilated myself. I am SO sad and honestly have to GAL but just haven't yet. I'm hopeful . . . but who knows really. It all just makes me so sad. I miss him incredibly.
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
Maybe I need to be way less available and take a little longer to return his calls?
If you are taking every call, and/or returning them right away, this might be a good place to start. Maybe just go "dim" for a bit, be busy with other things, and see what happens. Usually, returning just every second or third call is a pretty good rule of thumb. IMHO, I prefer to see people not go totally "dark" unless things are getting out of control, and contact is doing more harm than good.
I also think that it's a "better done than said" type of thing. It's much better to keep your options open, so you can make changes as the situation changes. When you tell them what you're doing, you've pretty much locked yourself into it, and can seem like you're flip-flopping if you decide to change strategies.
Again, just my humble opinion! YOU are the expert, and will know, or soon find out, what does and doesn't work for your situation. Good luck!
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JJ . . . THANK YOU SO MUCH for saying that it's good to be dim. I've always felt that I've failed a bit at DB as I've never been able to be COMPLETELY dark. I do like the dark idea . . . it's helped me by not pressuring him or humiliating myself . . . but I DO want him to know that I'm still here. Thanks JJ.
Thanks for your feedback and I'm sorry that you are missing your H so much! I definitely know the feeling. Just when I think "maybe I don't miss him so much," I find that I still really do. Sometimes I find that I have to go through these angry spells, where I think that he is being incredibly selfish, insensitive, etc. It's tough, b/c he really usually isn't, but in our case now, it really seems that way. I have to fight to remember all of the great things about him and us, and then I lessen my anger.... but then I start missing him again.
One thing that I have always understood is that I DO see the part I (my previous actions) played in enabling his even being open to an affair. I was critical. I got lazy and took our marriage for granted. I'm not all to blame for everything. He holds things in until he bursts (the affair). We didn't talk and I was blind to so many things.
Thank you so much for your well respected opinion. I have seen so many great things come from your posts, so your feedback is definitely appreciated!
I agree w/ going more "dim" and I have tried that maybe one time and had good results but then got so excited that he called me more that time, that I lost the willpower.
This may be a little too specific, but how many hours/days would you go before returning the call? What if he calls me one time and not several? For example, he text messaged me saying that he was promising to call me on Friday. Of course, he didn't ask if that worked for me and he certainly isn't always available when I call him. Why am I so afraid to do the same thing????
I definitely feel that I took our marriage for granted! We really had (have) a great relationship and so much fun together. Because of all of that, I think that I got lazy too. I remember my friends saying how hard marriage is and I would think "no it isn't!" I don't think it should be hard, but when you think it's easy, then I think you start to lose your focus. There is definitely a balance.