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#550185 10/16/05 06:41 PM
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caverna Offline OP
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What I am trying to do is this: he knows that I will be home at a certain time, so I want him to realize that I might not be there and if he wants to see me, he would have to track me down. That's why I leave the house when I know he is coming over. Am I acting crazy? Or does it make sense?


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#550186 10/16/05 06:48 PM
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you are *so* not crazy...it does make sense. I like the idea and will be doing it myself, but doesn't he question you? Didn't he ask you why you were in a big hurry and didn't stay to have a chat etc?

Pink

#550187 10/16/05 08:04 PM
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Does anyone think that what I am doing (not being available, always "be gone") is a bad idea?

I think that "always" being gone might just backfire on you at some time in the future. If he "never" gets rewarded for positive behaviour, then he won't know when he's doing something right.

It sounds like what you've been doing has been working to a degree, but don't get stuck there. Maybe set a goal on how to step things up a notch, how to achieve the next small step in your ultimate goal, and work with that for awhile.

What would you like to see happen next, within the next week or two?


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
#550188 10/16/05 10:52 PM
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Hi caverna, and pink (and JJ my good friend!!!!)


Caverna....what I pick up that you are doing is thinking that you are not pursuing....but you are offering him things like backrubs and stretching....and from the things you said....it sounds like he does know when you will be in. So I might not be understanding. But keep a calendar with a schedule that only you can see and really mark down what you are doing and the response you get each time.

Don't ALWAYS be unavailable...but don't be predictable. If you aren't ....

JJ is right.....the LRT is for last resort. A jumpstart. NOT for longterm. You have to know how to go back in. So when he's coming around, you don't make him offers.....but give him 'wins' as JJ says. Let him 'win' bits of you.

first..... let him win a small amount of your time.
then larger amounts.
let him win smiles from you.

let him seek out the backrubs. sometimes you give it.
sometimes you wish you could but you just don't have time.

until he's fully engaged.



pink.......it's an excellent question that you ask. be vague. not direct. Oh....I was just running late. Oh I just got tied up talking with some friends. Oh....just had to run an errand. Not a complete lie. Not the complete truth.

DON'T BORE THEM WITH THE DETAILS. It eases their mind, and you DON'T want it eased. Exception: if he's going to be abusive with that answer. Then do whatever.

But if you want him interested.....don't give all the details. It will take awhile. He won't like it. We all fall into that trap....but it won't serve you.

btw....sage is the Other moderator!!!


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
#550189 10/17/05 03:43 AM
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Haha... I like this one Jamesjohn. It's the same adive my dog trainer gave me for my puppy.

Quote:

"If he "never" gets rewarded for positive behaviour, then he won't know when he's doing something right."




Just thought it might give everyone a little laugh.

So, are men really like dogs. I know I have seen some beg for a treat ) Oh well... it's bedtime now on the East Coast.

A wonderful evening to all!

Warm Regards,
Ali


"There's a price to pay if you want to make things better, and a price to pay for just leaving things as they are." My situation
#550190 10/17/05 04:49 AM
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A got the weirdest reaction from H today.
I had just finished reading a part of "getting through to the man you love" that talks about expecting miracles and how would you react if one happen to your relationship...
So, here I was, minding my own business, falling asleep as I watched "pretty woman" for the 50th time.
I wake up with H coming home to bring back the dog. I glance at the watch and it's 1am.
Since I am half asleep I forget that we have been separated for 3 months and I greet him as if nothing had happened.
He sits on the couch and starts saying he is sorry.
I ask, "sorry for what?"
He says for everything and I think he is crying. He can't be, I think.

Then he starts talking about the fact that now there are signs along our side walk prohibiting parking and wants me to come to the window behind him and check it out.
I see and go back to my previous couch spot (later on I realized he just wanted me to approach him physically).

So I'm continuing to watch the movie/fall asleep when all of a sudden he takes off his shoes and gets in a spooning position behind me.
I ask him what's wrong and he is crying and saying he is sorry over and over again. I ask if he wants to talk and he shakes his head.
I just hold his hand.
Finally I turn around and he keeps caressing my hair and trying to ML. I tell him I am not on the pill anymore, so he stops.
He is still crying and saying he is sorry for hurting me so much, that he still cares a lot about me and just doesn't know what to do.
I just listened (big 180 - would usually force him to talk more and cry along).
He takes me to bed and covers me. Now he is gone. He was still crying.

Don't know what to make of it. Any comments?


caverna's thread VII
#550191 10/17/05 11:43 AM
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Here is an e-mail I wrote him this morning:

Just wanted to let you know that I appreciated how
sweet you were last night. It's very important to me
to know that you care. Thank you.


caverna's thread VII
#550192 10/18/05 10:57 AM
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H did the "dog trick" last night again, meaning, he returned the dog when he knew I'd be home in order to run into me.
I was watching TV and he kept hovering around trying to strike up conversations (ps: I didn't get online). I didn't look much at him; was paying more attention to the TV. He kept staring at me.
Finally he said, "thank you for the e-mail." (I don't know why - thanks for thanking him???)
Anyway, I said I was greatful because I thought he didn't give a sh... He said he did, talked a little bit more and finally left very slowly.

I hate that he can come and see me anytime he wants. From now on I won't be home if the dog isn't here; or I will go to bed.

I just feel like he never gets to really think about us, because he keeps coming back, trying to reach me; which is a good thing, but he doesn't do more than that. I feel that if we really had some distance, especially initiated by me, that he would have more to think about and wonder more about us.


caverna's thread VII
#550193 10/19/05 03:22 AM
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All I can say is, WOW to LRT.

I am keeping my resolve not to get online so I am not available to talk when he wants to.

HOWEVER, he keeps doing the "dog trick" so he runs into me at the end of the day. So I did something different: I went to bed instead of waiting for him as I usually do by watching TV, and I locked the door of the bedroom.

He came home and walked around the house silently (I heard him) and finally decided to knock on my door. I did a good job pretending I was asleep and opened the door. He asked me, puzzled, what time I had gone to bed (since I never go before 12pm - it was 11:30).

He laid in bed next to me very close and didn't say much as I yawned. All he did was stare at me and my face as we talked about our day. Some long silenees happened, all the while he kept staring at me, as if he wanted to say something, but didn't know how.

I asked what was wrong and of course, nothing.

I pretended being sleepy and he said, "I guess I should go" and gave me a long, sensual hug (I let it go first). I was about to turn off the light, but he turned around and wrassled with the dog on the floor for a little bit. Then he laid on the floor and we talked some more.

Then he said, "I guess I will see you tomorrow? Same place? Same time?" and I just said, "sure," and turned off the light.

PS: I invited some girlfriends to come by tomorrow night, so I guess it's another 180.



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#550194 10/19/05 04:05 AM
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Caverna,
WOW! Although I am new to dbing I have to say that I have been going through this with my H for 2 years back and forth. Congratulations on keeping your resolve and having so much value for yourself. One thing my DB coach said to me which made so much sense to me (and which I have made many mistakes doing) is don't rescue him. It sounds like his curiosity is growing and he is having to deal with his feelings around that. Your ability to not rescue him - to ease his fears is great. I feel very strongly that it is important for them to deal directly with what they are going through and make decisions based on their own realizations. Again, congratulations - present and pull back.

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