This is what happened yesterday: I didn't call him after seeing a doctor (I didn't go) and didn't get online all day. When I got home the dog wasn't here, so I thought, he took the dog to the park, like he usually does. I went out and the dog was still not here when I came back. So he took it with him for the night, something he has never done before and his folks hate dogs. The last time he took the dog till late, I call wondering where he was. Could he be doing this to get my attention? And is it a good response to LRT?
Watch movies, journal, read...play the scenario in your head of what will happen if you do call...will it bring you closer to him and your goals?I totally understand how you feel, it is torture to not call, everytime that I end up calling I regret it right away...be strong!
After the fight I went dark and realized that was not helping anything. I asked myself the question: is what I am doing bringing him closer? And the asnwer was no.
I had an insight yesterday and today my attitude is a little different. I realized that everytime I hit a crossroad, something good comes out of something bad. From that, I decided to not be afraid anymore. I believe that if we are to be together, I shouldn't have to worry.
So an interesting thing happened today.
H came by to drop off the dog and was very cold and had an angry look on his face. I asked what was wrong. The answer, of course, nothing.
I broke DB rules and asked him what we were going to do about us. He answered saying that he had to go to the gym...
I told him he always had something to do whenever I brought up the subject.
To make a long story short. He started the conversation with his arms crossed, standing up and saying how horrible I was, that I never loved him and never appreciated him, and that he was traumatized with women and relationships. The relationship is over and the quicker we can end it, the better. The fight we had made him realize that.
Half way through the conversation he was sitting on the floor and was listening more than talking. He was saying then that I shouldn't beat myself up for taking all the blame and that he had never had a R like ours because he had never trusted anyone like he trusted me, but trust is not enough, he said. He was also saying things like, "you never know... we could end up together."
End of conversation: he stands up to give me a hug while I cry. He doesn't let the hug go and gets a hard on...
What's different from this conversation from the other ones we have had is that for the first time I told him that I don't want to divorce him, but was ready to let it go if it was his wish. And for the first time I actually believed my words.
Loc: Georgia, USA
*hugs* Everyone has to do what's right for them and if something isn't working, then change it. I know I've done things in the past that really didn't go along with the "rules" but had a good result. I'm glad yours did.
Please don't have anymore R talks with your H unless he starts them. Look at it this way, when you have them most of it is him telling you what's wrong with you. If he's doing that, then it's wasting time that you can be using to show him what's right with you. Why give him a chance to think about the bad things? It won't help your sitch any. I know it's hard not to want to talk about that huge thing that you feel looming over you all the time. I know it too well. But I promise this is the best advice I can give you!
I lost track of DBing and I need help. My H doesn't get online anymore, maybe to punish me for last week. Today he was supposed to walk the dog after work. I got off earlier and came home with the hopes to see him. Two hours passed and he didn't come. I have a feeling that he saw my car outside and didn't feel like coming in. So I called him pretending I was calling to tell him he didn't need to come. Of course he didn't answer the cell phone (he never does nowadays and I know he does that to people he doesn't want to talk with) and I left a message saying that it was childish of his part not to answer his cell phone when I called. He still hasn't called. It's so strange that a few weeks ago everything was going so well. What should I do? How do I go back in track?
I left H one of those Hallmark cards (Between you and me) that said something about being sorry. I wrote a short paragraph (contrary to my lengthy letters): "Please forgive me. I want to make things better. Love, M"
I left the card under the dog's leash.
When I came back home (at 9pm) the dog was still not here.
I find an interesting pattern that whenever things are improving, or seem to be improving, he takes the dog a little longer than usual so when he brings him back, it coincides with the time I am getting home.
It's funny how now everytime I get home and I see the dog here, something bad is up and the reverse also happens.
He thanked for the card and set very close to me on the couch to show me his new cell phone. He took a picture of me with it.
We talked for a little while and he complained about his job. Said he was very tired and didn't have much sleep (he is sleeping in his brother's room and his brother never sleeps).
I said, "why don't you sleep here?" He thought for a second, but said no. I proposed for either one of us to sleep on the couch and offered a massage. His response was, "another time."
He was much sweeter and thanked me for cleaning his clothes.
By the way, hopeful said once I shouldn't read too much into the fact that he is leaving his clother here, but I can's help but notice that his pile of clothes is getting bigger and bigger. He is not taking them with him anymore. He used to make a point to show me he was not leaving ANYTHING here. Now he only takes a belt.
I have read through your situation. It sounds like he is getting closer.. If he is leaving his clothes with you it sounds like he is feeler safer and more comfortable being around you. Be careful not to put pressure on him.Those cards can be kind of 'heavy'.... Maybe if he is bringing the dog back later at the moment YOU should be a little later. That should make him think!!
Actually, I think that bringing the dog later is a good sign.
He used to just walk the dog and leave around 7pm. I get home at 9pm, so now he is "finding things to do with the dog until then." I personally think he is finding excuses to run into me. Like I have said in other posts, his behavior contradicts what he says, so I go with the behavior.
H got online several times during the day. All the times I remained quiet, waiting for HIM to start talking. So he did a couple of times. Finally, at the end of the day he asked me what time I'd be home. I told him 8pm and asked why. He said, "just curious... I might be there then."
8pm came and he wasn't here. I did a very dumb non-DBing thing and called him. He said he was a few minutes away.
When he showed up we sat on the couch just chichating and bsing and he started complaining about his back.
I offered to stretch him (I'm a personal trainer) because I know how to crack his back. Afterwards I offered a massage and did it for almost an hour.
I asked, joking, if he needed anything else to feel relaxed. He started laughing so I knew what it meant...
No, we didn't ML. It was more like a "happy ending" massage and aftewards we laid on the bed for a little while, just playing with the dog.
It's as if we communicate through the dog. In the awkward moments, we bring out his toys to avoid looking at each other's face.
Anyway, he was very thankful for the whole thing and hugged me before he left. Called me "honey" by "mistake" again.
I offered for him to sleep here, since he has been so tired, and he still refuses, but I have a feeling I am breaking him.