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#550135 10/02/05 06:05 PM
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I invited H for a hike and we went.
I told him before we left that I had been feeling sick all morning and for the last week too. I had been suspicious that I was pregnant, but didn't give it much thought because I am on the pill.
He said, sounds like morning sickness.
I didn't say anything back.
In the car he gave me one of those stares again.
We went for the hike and talked about a number of things.
He finally asked me what we are going to do about the "living arrangements" since he doesn't want to live with his parents anymore, meanining: when are YOU going to leave our house?
PS: I cannot afford our mortgage.
I told him I hadn't decided yet what I was going to do. I lied that I had looked into some rental places and said that was considering going back to my country.

I was very quiet afterwards and reminded myself that in a situation like this, I had to remain calm, not cry, not ask him to reconsider the relationship.
But then I felt really sick and had to sit down. He went to get the car.
Once he came back I told him that I might be pregnant. His expression softened, as if this was good news for him. I told him I have been feeling very lonely about this; that I hadn't told anyone and that I was afraid he would ask me to have an abortion.
He said I was crazy to think that and that "our situation" would completely change if that was the case. He got emotional and cryed.
We went home and I took a pregnancy test, crying all the way.
It was negative.
I came downstairs in a better mood and told him the news. He gave me a hug and told me he was sorry that I had been passing through this alone, that I could trust him and talk with him.
But that's the part I don't get.
He DIDN'T undo the hug. Instead he kissed me and carried me to bed. We made love and he was more affectionate.
Afterwards he got ready to leave and said I should stay home if I wasn't feeling well.
I couldn't resist breaking my rules and asked him if he loved me. He looked at me for a while and said yes... BUT doesn't want to be married anymore. He says he felt like an animal in a cage as a married man.
I told him he hurt me when he asked me to see other people because I don't want to see anybody else. I want to be with him. He started crying at this point.
I asked if he really wanted me to leave for good. He said he didn't want to, but also didn't want to hold me back, that I need to be happy and successfull.
Said he couldn't make me happy and when I asked why, he answered: because I am not happy.
Then he got annoyed and said, we had this conversation a thousand times before. Then came to give me a hug and left.

I'm very confused about his behavior. Apparently he still wants me to get out of the house, or at least doesn't want to live with his parents anymore. Then why did he kiss me and took me to bed?


caverna's thread VII
#550136 10/03/05 10:35 AM
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H came back last night was VERY upbeat. He even set down to watch Seinfeld with me and laughed out loud. We shared a desert together. He was very friendly and nice.

However, due to the conversation from earlier last morning, I decided to ask him a favor and make him a suggestion. I thought about it for a long time and decided that the best medium would be an e-mail so he could actually think about it, reread it and not defend himself right away. Also, so I could make my point across in a rational and not pushy way.

Maybe I should have waited a little longer since he was so nice at night, and should have asked you guys what is the best move, but it's done and here is what I wrote:
H,
Before anything, I have to let you know how much I
appreciate your patience and sweetness towards me and
my situation. I am grateful that you are willing to
wait for my decisions and that you are taking care of
me.

I still don’t know if my fate is to live in the US or
go back to my country. It’s a tough decision, as you might
imagine. I am still trying to figure a lot of things
out and don't want to have to rush into making a life
choice that I will regret.

The decision for me to leave our home is a very
difficult one, even if just to live nearby, but I also
understand what a tough time you must be having living
with your folks (I’ve done that and I remember :-P)
You must be missing your home and living with the
doggie.

Since I have a major crossroad to face, I have to ask
you a BIG favor: I want to stay in the house for a
little while longer.

But here is the thing: we are getting along, we
respect each other, I respect your freedom and your
decisions, and I want you to be happy doing whatever
it is you want to do with your life. So here is my
proposal: a lot of separated couples live under the
same roof until the divorce is done, especially in the
state of Virginia (in the state of Virginia couples
can live under the same roof and still claim
separation – all you have to have is separate rooms
and beds).

Since we have such different schedules, we wouldn’t
see much of each other anyway and in the weekends
we’ve been having different interests.

By all means, I don’t mean for us to live a married
life. I know that you don’t want that to happen and I
am not stupid to force you to do anything you don’t
want to. I want things to continue as they are right
now. You do your things, I do mine. We don’t have to
tell each other what we are doing with our lives. We
just have to be civilized as roommates. If we want to
hang out, we hang out, if not, than each goes their
way.

I will still pay the bills and we will share doggie
care.

I am serious that I don’t want to invade your privacy.
I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I am just
trying to be as practical as possible while I get my
life straight. I’m actually enjoying most of my alone
time and my newfound social life. I just feel bad that
you are having to live with your folks but am not
ready to move myself.

I will give you some space this week to think about my
suggestion. If I need you to take care of the dog
during lunch, I will give you a call and leave a
message (Tuesday is the only day so far).

Take your time to think about this and just give me a
call when you are ready to talk.


caverna's thread VII
#550137 10/03/05 10:36 AM
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by the way, I am going dark this week.


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#550138 10/03/05 02:30 PM
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*hugs* Wow, reading your sitch reminds me a lot of mine.

Okay, here's my advice. No more R talk with him. Let him come to you. No more ILY's, no more questions to see where his head is. This is a long, hard process. There are lots of ups and downs and for you, you'll have to swollow a lot of pride and a lot of feelings. At this point the only thing you want your H to see is a self-confident happy woman who is getting a life of her own. That doesn't mean you don't feel all the bad stuff, but you don't let him see it. This is easier said than done, I know.

Don't bring up the living sitch again. That's not your problem. He left, he has to deal with what to do next. Also, a rule that has helped me some in all this - if you think you want to do or say something major, wait a week. Things change too suddenly.

You worry about you. You've got a lot of positives in your sitch. That's a wonderful thing. They will help you when you're in the down spots.

So now I ask, have you come up with some goals for yourself? And some ideas to really GAL, instead of pretending to get one?

As long and hard as this is to do, it's worth it. And you can do it. Patients. Lots of patients. I'm here if you need someone to talk to or just need to vent.


Hope My sitch
#550139 10/03/05 03:32 PM
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caverna Offline OP
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Quote:

have you come up with some goals for yourself? And some ideas to really GAL, instead of pretending to get one?






Good question!!! My friend just asked me that yesterday. It got me thinking. This is so overwhelming that I forget about everything else that I wanted to do in my life.


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#550140 10/04/05 06:14 AM
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caverna Offline OP
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I had a huge fight with H and then wrote a very nasty e-mail.
I am pretty sure it's over for good. Now I want the big D. I am just too tired.


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#550141 10/04/05 09:01 AM
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(((HUGS))) I am sorry about your fight with H, I have been reading your sitch, I hope you are feeling better today. If you need to chat or anything I should be here most of the day...hang in there!

#550142 10/04/05 10:31 AM
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Hi hope, I really lost it. I did everything I was avoiding doing. I even yelled I never wanted to see him again. He said a lot of mean things too. When I asked if he was sleeping with someone else, he said that this was never about another women, "this is about YOU," he yelled, "YOU are the problem."
I told him I don't remember being that terrible and that I actually think he will regret it because he will never find someone like me (I honestly think I was good for him. We had our disagreements, but I never mistreated him). He started laughing and said that it was going to be the opposite, that I would regret this forever.
I said I don't remember being that much of a bitch and he said, that's the problem.
I got angry and told him I didn't want to see him again and he said, "get out of my house, then"
Of course I said it's my house too and he was the one who left. He said, "you pay the mortgage then" (I can't afford it).
Anyway, he was very angry and called me selfish over and over again, when with this divorce I am going to lose my greencard, lose my job, my house, my life here, have to move back to my country and restart everything there. Plus he says that I am not entitled to anything because I am not a citizen (I don't know where he got that from - the house is in my name too). And then I am selfish?????
That's why I am so tired and am ready to go ahead with it.
I know it won't be easy, but nothing can be worse than what I am living know, crying day in, day out.

An alien did abduct him. It's scary that this man once said he would give his life for me.

Last edited by caverna; 10/04/05 10:32 AM.

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#550143 10/04/05 11:32 AM
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*huge hugs* I've been where you're at many times. All is not lost, you just have double your efforts and start again. The best advice I can give you right now (and I just had to do this Saturday night) is when he starts to get you going like this, don't give in to it. Just agree with him, in a way.
Like this:
Him: "You're such a bitch."
You: "Okay."
Him: "This is all about you!"
You: "If you say so."
Him: "You're so selfish!"
You: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Him: "You are the problem!"
You: "I can understand how you feel that way, but I don't see it that way."

Don't give him anything to argue with. It feels strange to do, but OMG does it work. XH was going to leave me Saturday night, move out, he was done. I didn't argue with him, just told him to do what he needed to do. Sunday morning he said he was sorry. He's not going anywhere.

I know this is hard, and I know you're hurting. I also know how hard it is to keep sane though all this. YOU CAN DO IT. Don't give up.


Hope My sitch
#550144 10/04/05 11:47 AM
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Hope, my case is similar to yours in the sense that I wasn't totally honest with him for a part of our relationship. For the most part, I still thought a lot about my ex (my H doesn't know any about this) and wasn't sure if I loved my H.
One day I was online telling a friend that I wasn't attracted to my H anymore because he was out of shape. I told her I was tired of his sexual advances, because I was never in the mood.
I left the window open and he read it later on.
That day he said he stopped loving me and started thinking about divorce (about two months before he decided to leave). He slept on the couch that night but the next day we were ok again, but since then our lives together just got worse and worse.
I really don't know how to save this relationship. I thought things were getting better until he asked me to leave the house again.
I think this DBing requires a patience that I don't have. Or maybe I just don't love him that much to go through all this.
I want this to be over soon.


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