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becomingabutterfly is givingyou god advice. Please don't see this as a set back, just think of it as an opertunity to practise all that DBing stuff. It should be fun! Don't attach, and chase him. Let him do it as his pace. Don't always be available etc etc. But most importantly don't see this as a bad situation. I am sure he got scared getting so close to you again. - it happens.
I agree with butterfly and that's what I will try to do. I already had made plans for the whole weekend so I'm not sitting around waiting for him to ask me out and I will continue to not call and get online. Yesterday he did call late at night just to say goodnight. He actually called both phones: home and cell. I didn't hear them.
so H called from work asking what time I would go to work. He said he was coming home to visit in the middle of the day. So he just passed by. We just set on the couch not really talking. He was very quiet and we watched some TV while he played with the dog. He DID kiss me on the lips before he left and said he just wanted to see me because it has been a couple of months since he came by during lunch time. I know, I know, lots of positives, but we are kinda weird with each other, as if we don't know what to say, how to behave. Is this normal? What can I do to remedy that?
So H came home at the end of the day and was grumpy. After some inquiring he finally admitted he felt sick for the last few days because he hasn't slept, nor eaten much. Again, crying spell... He hugged and cryed. I asked if he has seen a doctor yet. No. I alked if he has been thinking about suicide. Yes.
Caverna, It sounds like H is wanting you to rescue him. DONT! He needs to learn to deal with what he is going through. If not he won't acquire the skills to work through hard times in the future. AGAIN, horrible mistake I made. You will want to Rescue him but what you can do is be his friend. Validate and ask him - I understand you are confused, and I am here if you need me to listen.
On one of your previous posts you said things feel weird. They do, because my guess is you are attached and operating from a space of wondering what is the right thing to do? Try to remember that your existence does not depend on what he is or isn't doing. I think that may help you not feel so weird. If you have plans - by all means keep them. But don't punish him either. If he wants to do something on the weekend, tell him you would love to but you already have plans - because you really do have plans. Tell him, if you want to do something another day let me know. GAL means really getting one and not getting one for spite. If you get into a tit for tat situation it will be a power struggle and that isn't setting up a good foundation for a new beginning. Again, Caverna - I am not an expert on Dbing, I am new to it. But I can see things from my past experiences so much clearer now that I have been dbing and detaching.
Quote: Caverna, It sounds like H is wanting you to rescue him. DONT! He needs to learn to deal with what he is going through. If not he won't acquire the skills to work through hard times in the future. AGAIN, horrible mistake I made. You will want to Rescue him but what you can do is be his friend. Validate and ask him - I understand you are confused, and I am here if you need me to listen.
Gosh butterfly! thats awfully harsh If my H was crying and thinking of suicide I'd want to rescue him too. I see what you're saying about him needing how to deal with it himself though. I have made similar mistakes with my H. He is TOTALLY iresponsible with money...not the same as suicidal thoughts I know...) But I keep on lending him money. I keep bailing him out, in a way I am encouraging him to be foolish with money because he always has me to fall back on. I know that but I just can't seem to stop doing it.
I suppose I feel my H should be able to rely on me.
Loc: Philadelphia Area
I totally agree with becomingabutterfly. We can't really save anyone. They need to save themselves. He does need help though, especially if he is suicidal, but I believe professional help may be best in this situation.
"There's a price to pay if you want to make things better, and a price to pay for just leaving things as they are."
These suggestions are from my Judgement Good Judgement comes from experience (mostly bad) Experience comes from bad Judgement
If you can find a group like "Marriage Encounter" and attend a weekend gathering. Make friends who are very Pro marriage.
The Prehospital and Fire Dept business is good but I would include H or go into slowly. Lot of guys who are in the Rescue business are not the most Moral as relationships go. It varies from Dept to Dept.
There is more to your story I'm sure (not my business) but did your H just crack over the possibility of other men's real or imagined advances? Years ago when I was single before I was into bodybuilding and had to go way way out of my way to ensure Husbands I'd rather eat broken glass than harm a marriage. These guys honestly thought I was going to approach their wives and they told me so.
They stated how emabrrassed they were not in the same condition some tried to outdo me in areas they were good at. It was strange cause I never wished to compete.
At the risk of being more Preachy than I am I'll offer the following stat.
1. Christian couples who get divorced 1/2 2. Christian couples who pray together daily to 3X week who get divorce 1/4000. Got this from Promise Keepers. I did not pray with my wife so guess which column I'm in.
I'm more exicted your marriage is back on the right track though just beginning and slow than you joining a FireDept. It's great you did the right thing.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin