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My H told me two months ago that he wanted a trial separation because he was not sure he wanted to be married anymore. Period. He felt old and trapped. A mid-mid-life crisis, if you ask me. We are in our twenties.
Since he was once so totally commited and in love with me (and I was the cold one) the news came as a shock.
Since then I have cryed, moved out, moved back in, begged, pleaded, threatened suicide, called his parents and brother to help me, talked his ears out about the issue.
For the first week he accepted giving us a chance and lived at home. He finally moved out one day because he couldn't handle my constant bickering about the issue. I couldn't drop it.
My attitude was the same for the following months, except I started going out just to hurt him and show I was independent and didn't need him, just to call him crying a few days later... His approach to the situation changed. All of a sudden, he was sure he wanted a divorce and that he was happier without me. My pursuing him only made him decide sooner that leaving was the answer for him.

I became even more desperate because my attempts to getting him back were backfiring. Since reading DB, however, my whole attitude has changed. I stopped the calling, crying, talking about the relationship and trying to make him jealous. I am actually very upbeat when we talk (maybe too much).
Here are the changes since my 180 started:
- He is more interested in what I am doing and wants to know what time I got home and where I went.
- He starts conversations online and is getting more comfortable talking with me.
- He calls sometimes to talk about the dog or the house, but he did not use to call my cell phone.
- We went out for a hike (my suggestion) and talked and laughed througout the day. I even caught him staring at me when I wasn't looking.
- He makes sexual jokes about us.
- We had sex one day (I initiated it - must not)
- He hasn't brought up the subject of divorce nor asked me to leave the house so he can come back (he had asked it once).

It has been a week and a half since I started DB and acording to Michelle, those are all good signs, but here are the questions:
- Since his behavior is so out of character for the loving and caring H he used to be, am I kidding myself that this is going somewhere? Am I seeing more than there really is?
- He is still in a hurry when he passes by our house and I am here. He always has something he HAS to do right away and needs to leave soon. I always ask him to stay a little longer (MAJOR "more of the same") and he always refuses. What to do?


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Caverna --

It sounds as though things are definitely going in the right direction! 180s are SO powerful -- you've captured that and used it! GREAT.

I think you're doing the right stuff...180s, keeping track of what's working and what isn't, etc. Now comes the PATIENCE part...just keep up with what you've accomplished so far...and keep making small goals and tracking progress.

One thing I noted was that he's the one to end the interactions (and you ask him to stay...). What if YOU were the one who had something to do next time?

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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caverna Offline OP
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Thanks Sage! It IS a good idea! I will def. do that.

180s are so funny... I have been online every morning, so my H is already expecting me there. Today I did a 180 without trying because I couldn't get online, so by midday he called "just to find out if I had walked the dog." When I saw his phone on the caller ID I had to laugh. Becoming umpredictable makes THEM become predictable.


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Umbelievable!
When my H came home to bring the dog back, instead of leaving the house, like Sage suggested (it was late and it's cold outside :-P ) I did another 180 by not following him around the house like I usually do and instead keep watching the TV.
At first he just put the collar of the dog away and was ready to leave, but then turned around as if to get something he forgot.
I kept watching TV.
He came downstairs and started wondering around the leaving room, trying to strike up conversations.
I was friendly, but not overly enthusiastic by his hanging around (he had never done that).
All of a sudden he sits on the couch next to me and starts paying attention to the movie, while asking me questions about my life.
He said "honey" twice, something he had substituted for my nickname since all this started.
Finally, he asked if I needed a massage and we ended up going to the bedroom.
Afterwards he went to the computer and I went back downstairs. But I am static because he never hung around for this long.
He didn't stay for the night, but so far I am impressed with how this 180 works!!!!


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Did a major setback by getting all upset when he told me he had a wedding to go to by mentioning it very "matter-of-factly" when I invited him for a hike this weekend.
He claimed that he might not be able to go for a hike because of "all those things he had to do." However, the wedding is at night so there was no need for him to tell me, but to piss me off.
He succeeded.
I told him it was mean that he mentioned it when he knew it would mean a lot to me if he had invited me.
He appologized saying he didn't know that that would hurt me.
At the end of the day he showed up at the house and I was ready to go out. I didn't follow him around and again he came into the room I was at.
He played with the dog while asking me questions about where I was going and with who. He called my new friends sluts, kidding, but I know he is jealous.
I lied that I was going to a dance club (I actually just went to have pizza with some friends). He seemed very disturbed by that but tried to keep his cool.
Should I stop the jealousy game?


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#550130 10/01/05 06:41 PM
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I had told my H that I wouldn't be home all day (I lied - one of his complaints was that I was always home with no plans, so when I am not REALLY busy, which I am often, I pretend to be). I said to him that I would probably pass by home to change and go out again around 3pm (he asked).
So guess who comes by around 3pm?
Those "coincidences" keep happening....
Gladly I was cleaning the house in my thong and sports bra... hehehe (I always did that - it's freakin hot!)
Anyway, his excuse was to get his suit to this stupid wedding.
I was cheerful and kept moving from one room to the other, minding my business. It was even funny watching him follow me around the house. He finally decided to give me a hug, out of the blue.
I asked, why the hug?
He just smiled and then said that the only reason he was going to this wedding (actually, reception) was because it was an open bar - he barely knows the groom. Why explain himself? Huuuuummmmmm
I told him to have fun and continued my business. He kept wondering around and finally asked what I did last night...
I told him very little.
He decided to leave, but suddenly decided to clean his car, so he has been downstairs doing that. hummmm


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Good work!

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Quote:

Good work!




I agree!! Sounds like you've had a great amount of turnaround in just a short period of time. Way to go!

I also have to emphasize what sage says about....

and keep making small goals and tracking progress.

What would be a couple of small, doable, positive, action-oriented goals you could make, that you'd like to see happen within the next week or two? Also, especially in your case, what are some of the "good things" that are happening right now that you'd like to see continue, and/or happen more often?

You're doing some great DB'ing here so far! Keep up the great work!!


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
#550133 10/02/05 02:07 AM
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I just wanted to post here to vent. I keep on thinking that H is in that wedding reception now and I keep imagining that he could be dancing with another girl. I am going crazy!!! What can I do to calm myself down?????


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#550134 10/02/05 10:04 AM
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Should I ask if H is seeing someone or is interesting in seeing other people?
A few weeks ago he said it was never his intention to see other people. By the contrary, he just wanted to be alone.
When I asked him if I could see other people (just to test him), he got really angry and claimed that this was adultery.
This was three weeks ago.
He has been going out more with friends that always bring a girl home at the end of the night, but one of my 180s is not to talk or obsess about R with him. Am I being paranoid?


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